How to Improve Children’s Self-Esteem

Some claim that it is impossible to improve your children’s self-esteem too much. Others assert that giving your child unrelenting praise will spoil him or her and give the impression that the world owes him or her something.

You must think about the type of praise you give your child in addition to the quantity. Which one will motivate your child? Which one could be a hindrance? How can you give praise that will be most effective?

Children’s self-esteem: all praise is not created equal

Consider the following with regard to children’s self-esteem.

Too much adulation can be detrimental.

To raise their children’s self-esteem, some parents lavish their children with unmerited praise. However, Dr. David Walsh cautions that children “are smart enough to see through the exaggeration and conclude that you do not really mean what you say.” They may conclude that they cannot trust you because they know they didn’t deserve the praise.

Praise that is merit-based is better.

Let’s say your daughter has a natural talent for drawing. She will be inspired to hone her skill even further if you compliment her for it, which is only natural. But there might be a downside. Your child might believe that the only skills worth pursuing are those that come naturally if you only praise him or her for natural talent. He or she might even be reluctant to take on new tasks out of fear of failure. Your child may think, “If something requires effort, I must not be cut out for it—so why try?”

The best praise is effort-based.

Children who are encouraged for their effort and persistence rather than just their talent learn an important lesson: skill acquisition takes time and effort. According to the book Letting Go with Love and Confidence, people who are aware of this “put in the work required to achieve the desired result.” Even when they fall short, they don’t see themselves as failures; rather, they see themselves as learners.

How you can help.

Honor effort rather than just talent. It might be more beneficial to say, “I can see that you put a lot of thought into your drawing,” rather than, “You’re a natural artist.” Both statements are positive, but the second one might unintentionally imply that your child’s abilities are limited to those that come only naturally.

By praising effort, you can show your child that talent can develop with practice. Then, your child might approach new challenges with more assurance. You can apply this principle from Proverbs 14:23 NIV: “All hard work brings a profit,  but mere talk leads only to poverty.”

Encourage your child to accept failure. Even good people occasionally make mistakes. But after every error, they get back up, take the lesson, and carry on. How can you encourage that positive mindset in your child?

Any criticism delivered properly will uplift a child rather than break his or her spirit. Additionally, if you regularly compliment your child appropriately, it’s likely that he or she will appreciate advice on how to improve. Then, his accomplishments will bring him and you both satisfaction.

How to raise respectful kids in an me-first world.

It might seem that a lot of people only think about themselves. Evidence of that can be found almost everywhere, including in people’s remorseless deception of others, aggressive driving, crude language, and explosive tempers.

In many homes, there is also a “me first” mentality. For instance, some couples simply divorce because one partner believes that they “deserve better.” Even some parents might unintentionally foster a me-first mentality. How? By giving in to their child’s every wish while being reluctant to impose any sort of punishment.

In contrast, a lot of other parents successfully teach their kids to put others before self. Children who show consideration are more likely to have stable relationships and make friends. Additionally, they are more likely to be happy.

Why? Because, as the Bible states in Acts 20:35 ESV, “remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’” You can ensure that your children benefit from kindness and stay uncontaminated by the culture of self-indulgence that surrounds them by being a good example.

Overpraising.

Researchers have discovered a troubling pattern. Many young adults are entering the workforce with a pronounced sense of entitlement, which is the expectation of success even when little or no work has been done to merit it.

Some young people simply assume that they will advance quickly despite not being experts in their field. Some are convinced that they are unique and deserving of special treatment, but when they discover that others do not feel the same way, they become disheartened.

Sometimes a person’s upbringing can be linked to his or her sense of entitlement. For instance, the self-esteem movement that has gained popularity in recent decades has unreasonably influenced some parents. Its principles appeared to be sound: If some praise is good for kids, then more praise is better.

However, it was believed that expressing any kind of disapproval would only serve to demoralize a child. That was regarded as the height of reckless parenting in a society that aimed to boost self-esteem. According to what parents were told, kids should never be made to feel bad about themselves.

Thus, many parents started constantly praising their kids, even when they didn’t do anything particularly deserving of praise. Every success, no matter how small, was acknowledged; every misstep, no matter how serious, was disregarded.

Those parents held the view that praising the good and ignoring the bad was the key to fostering self-esteem. Making kids feel good about themselves has surpassed teaching them skills that will make them feel good in the long run.

The Bible acknowledges that when praise is due, it should be given (Prov. 31:31). However, giving kids compliments just to make them feel good can lead to them having a false self-image.

Overprotecting

Many young adults starting their careers appear ill-equipped to handle difficulty. Even the smallest criticism can devastate some people. Some people are picky, and they will only accept work that completely lives up to their standards.

For instance, Dr. Joseph Allen describes a young man who said to him during a job interview: “I get the sense that sometimes parts of the work can be a little boring, and I don’t want to be bored.” This is a quote from the book Escaping the Endless Adolescence. He didn’t seem to understand that all jobs have some boring aspects, according to Dr. Allen. How did someone reach the age of 23 without realizing that?

Many parents today feel obligated to shield their kids from any kind of adversity in the last few decades. Your daughter did not pass a test? Demand that the teacher raise the grade by intervening. Your son was issued a traffic citation? Forgive him the fine. A romance gone wrong? Accuse the other person of everything.

Although it is only natural to want to shield your children from harm, doing so too much can give them the impression that they are not required to take responsibility for their actions. According to the book Positive Discipline for Teenagers, “[such] children grow up extremely self-centered, convinced that the world and their parents owe them something, instead of learning that they can survive pain and disappointment, and even learn from it.”

For instance, the apostle Paul experienced a variety of difficulties while serving in ministry. But overcoming difficulty was advantageous for him. In Philippians 4:12-13 ESV he wrote, “I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.  I can do all things through him who strengthens me.”

How to Improve Children’s Self-esteem

Strive to live according to the Bible’s teaching that “we each must carry our own load,” (Gal. 6:5 CEV) taking into consideration the maturity level of your children. It might be best to let your son use his own money to pay the fine if he gets a traffic ticket. Perhaps failing a test should serve as a wake-up call for your daughter so that she will be more prepared the next time.

If your child loses a relationship, first console him or her. Then at the right time, encourage your child to consider how the experience revealed any areas in which he or she needed to grow. Children who solve their own problems develop resilience and self-confidence, which are qualities they might lack if a parent is always coming to their aid.

If you need help improving your children’s self-esteem, please contact us and speak to a qualified counselor. A Christian counselor can help you address these important issues for both you and your child.