How to Improve Emotional Intelligence Through Christian Coaching

Almost everyone has heard of IQ as a measure of intelligence – but have you heard of EQ? It stands for “emotional quotient,” and it’s comparable to IQ but not exactly translatable. Emotional intelligence refers to your capacity for understanding and expressing other people’s emotions, as well as your own.

Reasons to Improve Your Emotional Intelligence

Why would you want to improve your emotional IQ? Well, there are several reasons why you might want to:

Improving your emotional intelligence can improve your relationships. Research shows that people with higher EQs have healthier relationships with others.

Improving your EQ can improve your work life. Many employers emphasize emotional intelligence because it can increase productivity and lead to better working conditions for everyone.

It can increase your levels of understanding and compassion for others. As Christians, we are called to love our neighbors, and increasing your emotional intelligence is just another way of saying that you’re trying to understand yourself and others better. This understanding can lead to a kinder and more loving life.

Sometimes, it’s challenging to identify areas for improvement in your own life, and it can help to have someone to talk with, someone who can help you grow in understanding. Christian coaching or individual counseling can provide a space for you to reflect, learn, grow, and apply EQ skills to your life with built-in accountability.

Let’s talk more about EQ and the role it plays in a well-rounded life.

What is Emotional Intelligence?

The dictionary definition of emotional intelligence is “the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one’s emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically.”

The phrase originated in 1990 in a research paper by two professors, who noticed that some people seemed to be better at identifying feelings and solving relationship problems than others. Writer Daniel Goleman then published a book on the concept in 1995, and it became an international bestseller.

The original researchers, Mayer and Salovey, are known for proposing the basic framework for emotional intelligence (Positive Psychology):

1. Identifying emotions in the self and others.
2. Integrating emotions into thought processes.
3. Effectively processing complex emotions.
4. Regulating one’s own emotions and the emotions of others.

Goleman’s theory expanded to include five elements of emotional intelligence, which are (described in a simplified way):

1. Self-awareness.
2. Self-regulation.
3. Internal motivation.
4. Empathy.
5. Social skills.

Many employers have implemented emotional intelligence in the workplace through training and hiring processes. High EQ can improve your relationships as well.

According to Positive Psychology, research shows that there are many benefits to having high emotional intelligence: “It is a core competency in many vocations, can support the advancement towards academic and professional success, improve relationships, and boost communication skills, the list goes on.”

High emotional intelligence is known to:

• Improve physical health.
• Improve psychological health.
• Encourage success in academics and business.
• Improve relationships.
• Solve personal problems.
• Improve stress management.

With all of these benefits in mind, it’s hard not to see how self-development should include working on having a high EQ.

How Do I Know if I’m Emotionally Intelligent?

If you are assessing your own level of emotional intelligence, it might be helpful to think in terms of opposites. What are the signs of low emotional intelligence?

Here are a few signs that you or someone else might be low in EQ. This isn’t meant for condemnation, but as an area where you can self-reflect on your potential for growth. You can also consider how to manage your relationship with a person who has a lower EQ.

According to Verywell Mind, “Low emotional intelligence refers to the inability to accurately perceive emotions (in both yourself and others) and to use that information to guide your thinking and actions.” Signs of low emotional intelligence are:

Relationship struggles: having few or no close relationships (this will be linked to the low EQ person coming across as abrasive or not willing to engage in the give-and-take required of healthy relationships).

Poor coping skills: lacking the ability to make sense of strong emotions, hiding genuine emotions, or avoiding emotionally charged situations altogether.

Behaving insensitively: Since low emotional intelligence means difficulty in understanding others’ feelings, a person might make insensitive remarks that can be hurtful and inappropriate.

Emphasis on always being right: arguing even in the face of evidence, and refusing to agree to disagree, along with a refusal to listen to the other person.

Making conversations about themselves: dominating conversations and always having to one-up the other person are common symptoms here.

Emotional outbursts: being set off by small things, not being able to understand or communicate why they’re upset, being overly reactive.

Blaming others for their problems: Since they struggle to identify their emotions and connect them to their problems, they might be more likely to blame people or situations rather than taking personal responsibility.

If you recognize yourself in some of these descriptions, don’t be discouraged! The fact that you’re willing to evaluate and reflect means you have the capacity for growth. We all have room to grow, and the beauty of our faith is that we know God can work in us for growth and we don’t have to do it on our own.

Is EQ More Important than IQ?

People often ask whether IQ, or cognitive intelligence, is more or less important than EQ, or emotional intelligence.

Cognitive intelligence is linked to success in health, academics, and earning potential, but according to Verywell Mind:

“[T]oday experts recognize that IQ is not the only determinant of life success. Instead, it is part of a complex array of influences—one that includes emotional intelligence. Many companies now mandate emotional intelligence training and use EQ tests as part of the hiring process.”

It’s encouraging to note that EQ can be learned or improved. In the next section, we’re going to look at some ways to do that.

How Can I Improve My EQ?

The Harvard Division of Continuing Education suggests three basic steps:

1. Identify and name your emotions.

This might seem overly simplistic, but if you’ve been out of touch with your emotions for a while, pausing to develop emotional awareness can be the first step in regulating them.

2. Ask for feedback.

Ask someone close to you how well you handle conflict, express empathy, or respond in stressful situations.

3. Read literature.

Why? According to Harvard: “Studies show that reading literature with complex characters can improve empathy. Reading stories from other people’s perspectives helps us gain insight into their thoughts, motivations, and actions and may help enhance your social awareness.” So yes, simply reading a book can help you understand yourself and others better.

If you’ve taken some self-help steps and would like ongoing help and accountability for this process, consider reaching out to one of the qualified counselors at Seattle Christian Counseling. Through Christian coaching for self-development, you can be more proficient at identifying and managing emotions, which, as we’ve seen, can improve your life in a myriad of ways.

Emotional Intelligence and the Bible

It’s obvious that emotional intelligence is a secular concept, but an integrated approach between psychology and the Bible can help us understand the role EQ plays in a Christian’s life.

Understanding others is the first step towards responding to them with kindness and meeting their needs. The Christian’s mandate to love your neighbor involves knowing how to love them well.

In some households and families, emotional intelligence is “caught” growing up. Parents who display empathy, identify others’ feelings, and regulate their responses model those behaviors for their children.

But if you grew up in a household where emotional intelligence was not modeled, you might struggle more to learn it yourself. As Christians, we can take comfort in the fact that studying Scripture itself can help us increase our emotional intelligence. Reading Scripture to understand the experiences of others and see the compassion Jesus had for people can help us learn how to live lives of humility and service, the way he calls us to.

Having good emotional intelligence is a key prerequisite of healthy leadership. Christians in leadership positions are called to be servants of all. Developing better emotional intelligence can help Christians in all walks of life be better models of love, kindness, and understanding.

So if you are working on self-development and growing in Christlikeness, consider Christian coaching for personal growth. You might be surprised at your capacity for growth and improvement, and how much the world opens up as you learn to understand yourself and others better.