How to Recognize and Combat Gaslighting in Relationships

Gaslighting is a type of manipulation and emotional abuse experienced in relationships when the abuser, or the bully, convinces the other person that the way they remember things is faulty, wrong, or a misinterpretation of events. This false narrative makes the target question his or her judgment and take on reality while encouraging him or her to accept the abuser’s version of events as the truth.

The effect of gaslighting in relationships is that the target begins to feel unsure about how he or she understands the world and may start to reconsider whether he or she is thinking clearly.

The tragedy of gaslighting in relationships is that this manipulation is present for a long period. The consistent second-guessing and contradictions of the abuser lead the target to question his or her ability to remember correctly, and how to interpret his or her reality. The effects can include the target experiencing uncertainty, timidity, and insecurity around his or her emotional and even mental stability. It also creates a dependency on the perpetrator.

Romantic relationships are the primary area in which this type of abuse occurs, but it is not absent from friendships and family relationships when control is an issue. Experts suggest that those who gaslight are likely to have a type of mental health disorder in which they use this type of emotional abuse to influence and manipulate others, whether friends, families, or colleagues.

Signs of gaslighting in relationships

How do you know if you are being gaslit? The purpose of gaslighting is to undermine your perception of reality. You may increasingly second-guess what you remember of past events, and whether or not your perception of what happened is correct.

A regular symptom after communicating with the abuser is that you often feel dazed. You wonder if there is something wrong, that perhaps you are to blame for something, or that you are too sensitive to events.

As your judgment is constantly attacked, elements of your mind connected to your judgment may be severely affected. These are typically your self-image, memory, and general mental health.

Lies are a mother tongue

Those who engage in gaslighting are more likely to be habitual and pathological liars who frequently exhibit narcissistic tendencies. A pathological liar lies often regardless of the context, while habitual lying is believable and may have truthful elements.

Even when confronted with proof of his or her deception, the abuser will often never admit fault. The abuser will often use terms such as, “That did not happen,” “You must be crazy,” or “You are making things up.” Lying and distorting the truth is often the basis for gaslighting. Even when the target knows the abuser is not being truthful, he or she can begin to doubt his or her own perception as the abuser can be persistent and convincing.

Discredits you with others

The abuser will also undermine you. He or she will often fake concern for you in front of others but will actively be spreading rumors and gossip that you seem unstable, emotionally fragile, or even losing your mind. Over time this method has proven effective leading to people siding with the abuser’s version of the truth without being aware of the truth.

Gaslighting in relationships is then characterized by the abuser reporting to you that others also think you are losing a grip on reality whether or not this is the truth.

Uses distraction

When the target confronts the abuser, he or she may point to some inconsistency or falsehood. But the abuser uses that moment to change the subject to distract the target. By asking a question instead of answering yours, the abuser looks to take control of the conversation and move your thinking away from your concern to something entirely separate. It also gives the impression that your question is irrelevant.

Belittles mental and emotional life

Can you spot the common effect of these statements: “You are overreacting,” “Stop being so hypersensitive,” or “Calm down”? Each of them takes the air out of your sails and surreptitiously gives the message that you are wrong, and the other person is right.

An abuser will often never acknowledge your input and point of view, be they your firmly held convictions and beliefs, feelings, or thoughts. The experience of being starved of validation or not being around someone who understands you is isolating and degrading, and many find coping with the situation to be highly difficult.

The blame shifts to you, always

The emotionally abusive tactic of blame-shifting is rooted in the fact that abusers have difficulty taking responsibility for problems. They will do whatever it takes to blame others for their circumstances, and they do not accept responsibility for their emotions.

They also deceive themselves by projecting blame onto their target. For example, the abuser may say his or her anger is a reasonable response to being hassled by you. Or, the abuser would not hide things from you, if he or she thought you could handle the truth.

The abuser points responsibility back to you so that even when you are discussing how his or her behavior makes you feel, you are left questioning whether you are truly the cause of your partner’s behavior.

The pattern is often established whereby the victim is convinced he or she needs to be better, to work harder, and to correct the issues in the relationship.

Deny doing anything wrong

By denying any wrongdoing, abusers avoid taking responsibility for poor choices. As part of the abuser making these claims, you often feel unseen and unheard, and the impact of the neglect does not matter to the abuser in the slightest. This lack of acknowledgment often creates an emotional and mental barrier that hampers the target from moving away from the relationship or starting healing from the wounds caused by the abuse.

Manipulates with false compassion

There may be occasions where the abuser is challenged, and then they will use words that normally reflect a kind and loving disposition, such as, “I’ve done everything I can to show my love to you. You know I would never cause you any distress on purpose.” It is sometimes easier for others who are removed from the situation to notice that the cycle of poor behavior continues despite the beguiling language that is used.

Sometimes the abuser’s behavior and language will improve for a period long enough to prevent you from holding him or her accountable, but he or she will turn back to his or her natural disposition once this time is over.

Recording over history

An abuser who uses gaslighting in relationships will retell stories so that they reflect well on him or her. For example, if he or she cannot find car keys, he or she may later ask you why you moved the keys to a different place. If he or she pushed you while arguing earlier, he or she may recount the story and say how you had slipped and as they tried to catch you, you fell.

Constantly being exposed to this deception causes you to doubt your memory and increasingly rely on the abuser’s version of events. The abuser aims to keep you confused and second-guessing yourself.

There are several warning signs to take note of if you fear you are experiencing gaslighting in relationships. These signs include:

• Being told lies.
• Being discredited.
• Feeling like you cannot trust your thoughts or emotions even when you have proof.
• You are always to blame in your relationship.
• The abuser does not reform.
• The abuser’s version of history keeps him or her blameless.
• The abuser continues abdicating responsibility for his or her words and actions.

If you notice any of these dynamics in your relationships, a qualified Christian counselor can help you recognize the problems and form defensive strategies to protect yourself.

Christian counseling to help with gaslighting in relationships

If you’re looking for additional help to cope with gaslighting in relationships and the effects it has, then browse our online counselor directory or contact our office to schedule an appointment. We would be honored to walk with you on this journey.