The Key to Forgiving Yourself

Do you struggle with forgiving yourself? It is human nature to either be too easy on ourselves, to justify ourselves, or at times, to be too hard on ourselves, and to condemn ourselves. Paul addresses pride: we’re all unjustifiable (Romans 3:23), and we’re all given to think too highly of ourselves (Romans 12:3). Jeremiah asserts that while we can deceive ourselves about our condition (presumably thinking that we are better than we are), only God can truly interpret our hearts (Jeremiah 17:9-10).

While pride is prevalent, it’s also possible to punish and hold oneself up to contempt even when God has forgiven our sin (2 Corinthians 2:6-8). This is the plight of the one who having sinned, cannot forgive him/herself.

But John makes this astounding promise, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9, ESV). In this article, I want to address the need to forgive oneself of sin and God’s heart for the anguished soul that is harsh on itself.

The basis for forgiving ourselves

The Bible makes it abundantly clear that only God can forgive sin, so in one sense it is incorrect to speak of “forgiving yourself.” After all, we didn’t sin against ourselves. All sin is a violation of God’s law, so all sin is ultimately against God, the Lawgiver.

However, when God has forgiven us, it is inappropriate to wallow in our misery instead of enjoying the grace, mercy, kindness, and compassion found in Christ Jesus (Ephesians 4:32). In this sense (and in this sense, alone) we may speak of “forgiving ourselves.”

All who are in Christ are freed from condemnation (Romans 8:1) and freed to love (Galatians 5:13). We are meant to display the mercies of God as sinners forgiven of their sins (1 Timothy 1:15-16). Our forgiveness of ourselves can never come before we have received God’s forgiveness.

Extending grace and kindness to oneself and others is the transformation God effects in those who have received His grace and kindness. Such gentleness is only possible for us because Jesus has set us free from the power of sin, the tyranny of self-rule, and the oppression of evil (Galatians 5:1). Jesus said “If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” (John 8:36, ESV) The starting point of forgiving ourselves is experiencing God’s forgiveness.

Keys to forgiving yourself

Clarifying responsibility

Sometimes we blame ourselves for our suffering when it is others who are actually responsible. This is common among survivors of childhood abuse and other childhood trauma. One can experience self-contempt for being vulnerable to trust, longing for love, or even experiencing some pleasure or affirmation while being abused.

But children are never responsible for what adults do. Many adults have borne inordinate or false responsibility for much of their lives because the trauma of childhood abuse has not been identified and healed. They may struggle with defining what they are responsible for and what they are not.

They may discover, through counseling, the need to process anger toward a perpetrator because they project and displace anger onto those who are not the perpetrator(s) but may be triggering the memories of past abuse. Many adults need to see their younger selves compassionately and integrate the needs and longings that were once violated.

If we wrongly blame ourselves we prolong our healing, for in so doing, we postpone having to grieve and forgive the choices of others. It’s terrifying to face our pain, and so it seems easier to take the blame for it. Compassion for self, and self-forgiveness can result from clarifying responsibility for our pain.

Renouncing pride and worldly grief over sin

Pride says,” God can’t forgive me; I’m beyond grace.” Sometimes an unwillingness to seek forgiveness in God’s grace is a matter of pride. “I can earn God’s favor and that of others.” Self-justification is the universal spiritual disease leading to spiritual death (Romans 6:23).

Self-condemnation also leads to spiritual death: “For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.” (2 Corinthians 7:10, ESV) Renouncing both pride and worldly, self-condemning grief over sin opens us to receiving God’s forgiveness and grace, the basis for forgiving oneself.

Seeking repair/amends/reconciliation

God’s forgiveness gives us the desire to seek to repair relationships, to make amends, and to pursue reconciliation with others whom we have hurt or who have hurt us. When we acknowledge our responsibility and seek to make things right, our own experience of God’s love and forgiveness is deepened through the grace of the one we have hurt. When I experience the forgiveness of God and others I can extend it more readily to myself. (Ephesians 4:32)

Loving courageously

Jesus identified loving God and neighbor as the two greatest commandments. Love requires courage and boldness because love is always costly, and opens us to possible suffering (because of sacrifice, unrequited love, and misunderstanding) as well as to deeper connections. Sometimes our refusal to forgive ourselves is a justification for self-protection from further pain. But love and intimacy are only possible when we are vulnerable to being hurt again.

Despite past sins – both our own and the sins of others against us – we are always faced with the choice of how to live now. Love is kind (not only to others but to self); love keeps no record of wrongs (not only of others but of our own) (1 Corinthians 13:4-5). As the failure to forgive ourselves hinders our love of others, so our love for others can facilitate self-forgiveness.

How Christian counseling can help

If you are hard on yourself and struggle with forgiving yourself, Christian counseling can help to clarify responsibility, facilitate the process of understanding the past, be the setting in which trauma is relieved and healed, and where anger, grief, and forgiveness can be expressed and processed.

A counselor with a biblical worldview can support and leverage your faith in Jesus Christ to seek truth, humility, repentance, repair, and a lifestyle of courageous love. If you are interested in these possibilities, I encourage you to browse our online counselor directory and contact our reception team to schedule an appointment. More freedom awaits.