Marriage to a Partner with ADD/ADHD

When Opposites No Longer Attract

Often the opposite qualities that were once appealing are now a source of constant frustration and misunderstanding. When these resentments build up over time, couples lose respect for one another. Though this is common in any marriage, it is especially true in couples where one or both have ADD. The easy-going nature of one once attracted the planner in the other. However, over time the easy-going one becomes “irresponsible with a lack of focus,” while the planner becomes the “nagging, uptight” one. Neither person is happy in this new dynamic.

Getting to the root of their motives and misunderstandings is crucial if this couple is to thrive in a satisfying and loving relationship. Learning communication skills and behavioral techniques will be essential in their work in therapy. The person with ADD genuinely struggles with tasks that come easy to their partner without ADD. And the partner without ADD needs consistent help in shouldering the responsibilities of marriage and family life.

Working Together as a Team in Marriage

Focusing on the strengths of one another is important in learning to work together as a team. It is too easy to view the other as “never doing enough” or as “always nagging.” Instead, you need to find the calmness to focus on the genuine strengths that the two of you possess as a couple. This will help you to function as a team in which one partner’s timeliness can work together with the other’s high energy and spontaneity. An exercise that can help you prioritize tasks and gain understanding of one another is by playing the Rating Game.

The Rating Game

In a couple, the responsibilities and needs of each individual have probably changed since they walked down the aisle and committed their lives to each other. One strategy for gauging each partner’s needs and responsibilities is by rating on a scale of 1 to 10 how exhausting a task is for each person.

For example, one person may have been keeping track of the bills since the first month of marriage. During the course of marriage, this activity has become one that she absolutely dreads each and every month, and an activity that demands a large piece of her time and energy. During the rating activity, she may discover that her partner rates that task a “3” on the scale, while she finds it to be a “10.”

On the other hand, he may have been in charge of cleaning the bathrooms a few times each month. He dreads that activity and rates it a “10,” whereas she would prefer to do that chore and rates it as a “2.” They discover that they can switch tasks as one small step forward in working efficiently as a team.

In order for this activity to be effective, it is important to set aside at least an hour or two in which you can sit down and truly listen. First air out any complaints of the day by hearing one another out, and giving each other turns to speak without interruption. Then proceed onto the Rating Game.

Christian Counseling to Address ADD/ADHD in Marriage

I know that this may sound over-simplified and that the issue is much more complex. But it will take time and many small steps forward to make a satisfying change in your relationship. Consider calling a Christian counselor today if you would like to find a safe space in which to process your misunderstandings and resentments, and to learn to love one another well in order to thrive in your relationship and your family life.