Neglect and Marriage, Reflections of a Christian Counselor

If one asks why most couples enter counseling, they will say, ”Neglect.” Neglect is a form of mental abuse that spreads over time and is easily justified by the abuser. It is a ripple effect of emotional and physical disconnection. Your spouse will only tolerate  your excuse that your work obligations supersede your date night for a limited time. At one time, couples only experienced neglect later in their relationship. However, today more and more newlyweds are facing the inability to connect in meaningful ways. Neglect sounds like the following statements:

• I’m alone even when he/she is around.
• She does not care about what matters to me.
• Other people are his priority over me.
• I’m tired of being the one who says, “Sorry.”
• I don’t really see myself with her anymore.
• I need to work to take care of the family. Why can’t she understand that?

Neglect speaks of a partner’s failure to extend care and concern toward their spouse. I am not speaking of enabling dysfunction or denying responsibility for one’s own emotional stability. Today’s marriages are inundated with work stress, child challenges, Facebook, and in-law interruptions. We spend more time focusing on outward distractions than on inward congruence. Many of the clients in my practice feel overwhelmed with making a living while trying to figure out their intimate connections with one another. In this article, I explore some ways in which a couple can renew their commitment to encouraging one another.

Fight for Connection in Your Marriage

Let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works. Don’t neglect one another.  – Hebrews 10: 23-25

Consider ways to stay connected each day. Assuming that things will get better when your finances improve will only prolong and extend the neglect. Connection speaks of intimacy. How do you connect in ways beyond the sexual and move into the emotional? Try spending 30 to 45 minutes per day decompressing with one another. Regardless of your age or stage in life, connecting on the weekend is not enough to feed a relationship for a lifetime. Reflect on the areas in which you have failed to properly care for your relationship.

Don’t Ignore Conflict – Confront It

Don’t go to sleep angry.  – Ephesians 4: 26

Often we seek to avoid issues that are uncomfortable to deal with. But people who go to bed angry usually wake up annoyed without knowing why they still feel troubled. As uncomfortable and anxiety provoking as conflict may seem, problems  do not go away by ignoring them. You need to establish an environment in which you can say what you need to say without your spouse losing their cool in the process. Confront the problem instead of attacking each other’s character. The instruction, “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger,” speaks of investing time and attention in the topics that really affect your relationship.

Challenge the Facade of Perfection

Let love be the ultimate guide to how you love.  – 1 Corinthians 13: 4, 5

When things feel tense, we often put on a good face for the general population. Most clients admit to holding it together around family and friends until they get home. Over time, you find yourself saying and doing things that deep down you don’t feel good about or that you don’t believe at your core. It takes courage to be transparent when we are in emotional pain. Learning to pick up on your emotions and the emotions of your spouse means tearing down the facade of perfection. Every couple has something they need to work out or work on. You need to focus on what is really going on in the conversation. Often the fear we experience of our own emotions keeps us from understanding others. Are you so afraid of exploring your emotions that you find it difficult to connect with your spouse’s emotions? Let love guide how you love your spouse.

Christian Counseling Can Strengthen Your Marriage

As a Christian counselor, I have seen how neglect is a relationship killer and how couples divorce because of neglect. Our addiction to social and economic success has produced a numbness in emotional connection. Learning to move from neglect to compassion requires courage and a commitment to your relationship. Connection, transparency, and accountability are necessary in order to combat neglect. A relationship is like a plant that requires time and attention in order to grow. You need to take control of this common marital challenge early before it leads to a serious state of regret and remorse. It is time to move from living like married singles to being a couple committed to love and growth. Give me a call if you are interested in finding out how Christian counseling can help you in this process. I look forward to supporting your efforts to moving your relationship forward.

 

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“broken-heart002.jpg,” by Prawny, morguefile.com