Surviving or Thriving? A Christian Counselor’s Tips for a Healthy Marriage, Part 1

Part 1 of a 2-Part Tips for a Healthy Marriage Series

More and more couples are seeking help for their troubled marriages. With a divorce rate of over fifty percent and remarriage and re-divorce being commonplace, it  is no wonder there is a demand for wisdom on how to build and nurture good marriages and repair relationships that are failing. The time to take stock is not when your marriage is beyond fixing. When the earliest signs of discontent crop up, it is time for you and your spouse to ask: “Is our marriage merely surviving, or is it thriving?” If you are married, this article is the first in a two part-series which provides tips for keeping your relationship healthy.

Date Each Other

Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away! – Song of Solomon 2:13, NKJ

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What happened to the candle-lit dinners, walks on the waterfront, holding hands at the movies, and weekend getaways that made your courtship and early marriage so exciting? Often things like having a baby, opposing work schedules, soccer practices, late nights at the office, budget constraints, Bible studies, maintaining friendships, and having too many outside commitments can crowd out the time with your spouse that you once could not get enough of. While there are many other important people, responsibilities, and tasks to attend to in life, a couple simply cannot afford to forego shared activities and time spent alone together. For love to thrive and not merely survive, you need to make couple-time a priority. Take turns initiating and planning dates. Work on the extras that differentiate a “date” with your lover from an ordinary outing with a friend – think flowers, a hot new outfit, pulling out her chair, nibbling on his neck, gazing into her eyes while she talks, whispering sweet nothings … Seek out fun together and enjoy your marriage.

Respect and Accept Each Other’s Differences

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. – Ephesians 4:2-3, NIV

No two people are alike, and when it comes to couples, opposites do often attract. We tend to admire people who have strengths we lack and enjoy those with a personality complementary to our own. We may even be intrigued—at first—by a mate whose ideas, interests, and approaches challenge our own opinions and tendencies. For example, one of you may be a spender, the other a saver; one likes to go out, the other prefers to stay home; one insists everything be in its place, the other is comfortable with a level of disarray; one is a quiet thinker, the other the life of the party.

Differences in ideas, habits, preferences, desires, beliefs, values, goals, communication, and ways of doing things often eventually lead to conflict. A “love conquers all” mentality sparks a common fantasy regarding marriage: that marital love can somehow overcome differences and move a couple toward homogenous bliss. But sameness is not possible, nor is it the goal. Dr. John Gottman, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, indicates that not only are differences resistant to change and conflict inevitable, but that sixty-nine percent of marital conflicts are unsolvable.

The key is to nurture the friendship underpinning the marriage and (I would add) to cultivate the mind of Christ toward your mate. The mutual love and respect characteristic of a strong friendship and Christ-centered marriage can spur both of you to seek strategies for resolving solvable issues and to learn to live with unsolvable ones. This enables you to move away from gridlock and to begin talking about your differences in a way that doesn’t hurt either of you.

Verbalize Your Praise and Affection

Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, Sweetness to the soul and health to the bones. – Proverbs 16:24, NKJ

How many times have you been awed or impressed by the way your spouse did something or handled a situation, but it didn’t come out of your mouth? Or maybe you noticed, again, how beautiful your wife is, or admired some favorite feature of your husband’s physique, but failed to mention it? Say it. Trust me, your beloved never tires of hearing compliments from you, or expressions of your love.  Think of different ways to say, “I love you,” without using the word “love.” Try exclamations such as, “You are amazing!” “I am so intrigued by you!” “I have so much respect for you!” “I can’t wait to be with you tonight!” or “I adore you!” Saying the same thing the same way can diminish its impact and reception over time, while keeping your praise new and fresh can amplify the same heartfelt sentiments.

Do the Little Things (That Aren’t So Little)

A mighty flame followeth a tiny spark. – Dante

Do you remember when you were willing to drive forty-five minutes just to spend ten minutes with her when she was on break at work? How about texting just to remind him how crazy about him you are, lighting candles at dinner, turning off the TV to focus on her, cuddling while watching a movie, spending an entire morning together in bed, offering to run an errand to make her life easier, fixing his coffee in the morning just the way he likes it, giving her a shoulder rub after a hectic day with the kids, greeting him at the door with a heartfelt kiss … These are the kinds of things that send the message that your spouse is loved and important to you. Tending to the little things that bless your spouse helps to preserve the flame of affection.

Balance Separateness and Togetherness

Just as lotions and fragrance give sensual delight, a sweet friendship refreshes the soul. – Proverbs 27:9, LB

No single person can meet all of your emotional and relational needs. For personal health and well-being, it is a good idea to have and maintain other relationships in addition to the one with your spouse.  Friends and other family members are an enriching part of life, affording you diverse contexts in which to socialize, give and receive, and grow. They also provide opportunities to enjoy a broader range of experiences, activities, and communication because they are different from those that characterize your marriage.

Similarly, most people need to be by themselves once in a while. Some people need more solitude than others. Alone-time can be especially elusive for busy mothers and fathers who are juggling a plethora of responsibilities. Some couples mistakenly believe that a good marriage is exemplified by an enmeshed state of constant togetherness; other couples feel a disconnect due to one or both partners being too generous with time spent alone or away from their spouse. Loneliness within a marriage is painful and, unfortunately, common. Wise couples prioritize time spent together but avoid either extreme of too much separateness or togetherness.

How Christian Counseling Can Help Your Marriage Thrive

Marriage is a sacred adventure that most adults will embark on in their lives. As with any adventure, there are times that are exhilarating and times that are, well, daunting or just a little dry. You can pursue a thriving marriage without expecting a perfect one. Christian counseling provides mediated discussions about hot-button issues that elsewhere normally erupt into non-productive fights or stonewalling. A Christian counselor can help introduce conversation about topics that are difficult to talk about, such as sex or in-laws, while helping to preserve emotional safety for both parties. An objective third person can assist you in assessing problems, voicing unmet needs, identifying strengths and weaknesses, and developing marital goals and strategies based on Biblical principles to overcome problems and encourage habits, perspectives, and attitudes that promote a healthy, thriving marriage.

Resources
Gottman, J. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Three Rivers Press.

Photos
“Loves I Love” courtesy of fairuz othman, Flickr CreativeCommons (CC BY 2.0); “Unbalanced Scales” courtesy of Vichaya Kiatying-Angsulee, freedigitalphotos.net, ID# 10042291; “Yellow Bow-Broken Heart…The Break Up” courtesy of Linda Tanner, Flickr Creative Commons (CC BY 2.0)