Surviving or Thriving? A Christian Counselor’s Tips for a Healthy Marriage, Part 2

Part 2 of a 2-Part Tips for a Healthy Marriage Series
This is the second article in my series on tips for marital success. In my previous article, I discussed dating each other, respecting and accepting each other’s differences, verbalizing your praise and affection, doing the little things, and balancing separateness and togetherness. These are key strategies to ensure your marriage thrives, not merely survives. In this article, I discuss five more suggestions that can help you to fan love for your mate and heighten the enjoyment of your marriage.

Nonsexual Touch

A tender touch tells us that we are cared for. It can calm our fears, soothe pain, bring us comfort, or give us the blessed satisfaction of emotional security.  – Ed Wheat & Gloria Okes Perkins

All of God’s creatures need touch in order to thrive. The chances are that when your love was still new, you couldn’t keep your hands off each other. You kissed, held, hugged, rubbed, nibbled, stroked, patted, and brushed, often culminating in love-making. But you also used brief physical encounters to emotionally connect with your lover and convey many messages that have nothing to do with sexual intention: caring, concern, reassurance, support, devotion, interest, encouragement, understanding, playfulness, fondness, approval, praise, and simple acknowledgment. Putting an arm around your mate in church, a shoulder squeeze and kiss on the neck while he or she is cooking at the stove, resting your hand on your spouse’s leg when sitting close, holding hands while shopping together, a playful swat … these are the kinds of gestures that help maintain emotional intimacy and keep marriages thriving.

Husbands, know that many women report that it is important to them to be touched affectionately by you with no strings attached, but that it also tends to elevate general interest in making love with you. For both men and women, frequent doses of non-sexual touching can increase warmth and positive feelings in the relationship, serve as a prelude to sex, and enhance the enjoyment of sex when it does occur, all of which promote a closer marital bond.

Check in Daily

Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much. – James 5:16, NKJ

And let us be concerned about one another in order to promote love and good works … – Hebrews 10:24, HCSB

In the busyness of our fast-paced modern life, it is tremendously challenging to maintain close relationships, even with those we live with. According to the Office of National Statistics, married couples spend an average of 150 minutes (2 ½ hours) together each day, with 55 minutes being spent watching TV, 30 minutes eating, 24 minutes doing housework, and only a mere 16 minutes interacting. To keep a marriage thriving, it is vitally important to seek each other out every day whenever possible and to give each other undivided attention — that means without the distractions of the computer, television, or anything else. People have a deep need to know and be known. By touching base regularly, you express continued interest in each other and keep your finger on the pulse of each other’s lives. Ask questions about your spouse’s day and share yours with them. Be aware of the small and great challenges and burdens your husband or wife is wrestling with so that you can pray about them. Encourage each other in everything. Exchange light-hearted banter, share funny stories, compare notes about family and household issues, discuss your schedules and plans, and follow-up on previous conversations.

Speak to Each Other Respectfully

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. – Ephesians 4:29, NIV

The childhood rhyme, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” is widely regarded as untrue. Harsh or cruel words cannot really be taken back, and although they may be forgiven, they are often not forgotten. A buildup of hurtful communication can weaken the bonds of affection and destroy a marriage, even when the offending party is quick to apologize. Everyone becomes angry sometimes, but the trick is to not sin in your anger by shouting, cursing, belittling, criticizing, threatening, name-calling, humiliating, or using a contemptuous tone.

When anger spikes, the ability to think rationally or to be sensitive to the feelings of others is compromised. It is best to cool down and think about what you want to say and how you want to say it before opening your mouth. Speaking curtly or rudely, even if not necessarily ill-intentioned, can become a bad habit if left unchecked. Joking at your spouse’s expense can also be extremely toxic to your relationship. It just isn’t funny. Everyone makes mistakes and sometimes we sin against each other. It can be tempting to cut loose on your mate when he or she fails you or you feel wronged, but these are opportunities to demonstrate self-control and love at all times. (Proverbs 17:17) Treat your sweetheart as a precious treasure by guarding his or her heart and seasoning your words with grace.

Make Lots of Deposits

It is more blessed to give than to receive. – Acts 20:35, NKJ

In today’s pop culture, marriage is often viewed as a vehicle for “getting.” The Biblical perspective on relationships in general and marriages in particular, however, places emphasis on “giving” … giving love, respecting, honoring, preferring, serving, sacrificing, blessing, etc. If you seek to out-give each other in every way, the chances are that the needs of both of you will be met and you will be happily married.

Within each of us there is a “Love Bank,” a concept developed by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D. He argues that everything a husband says or does within the relationship is either a deposit or a withdrawal in his wife’s Love Bank, and vice versa. To put it simply, deposits are those things that elicit positive emotions, while withdrawals trigger negative emotions. According to Harley, you will like anyone when their account is above zero, and a balance above the “romantic love threshold” produces feelings of love. Frequent and substantial deposits into your account not only enhances love but offsets occasional withdrawals and can potentially mitigate in the event of catastrophic error.

Keep in mind that marriage is fluid and there will be times when one spouse seems to be doing most of the giving. Always seek to be of the mind to give more than you get, and do all to the Glory of God.

Keep God at the Center

A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. – Ecclesiastes 4:12

Marriage was instituted by God, and the Word of God is the most important marriage manual there is. For a marriage to thrive, you need to make it a personal goal to know God’s will for marriage and how to become the marriage partner He has called you to be. Pray with each other, for each other, and for your marriage. Do devotions, read the Bible, talk about God and spiritual matters, and worship together. Invite God to influence and guide your planning and decision-making. Submit your mind, will, and emotions to God and seek His wisdom and help when needed. Satan seeks to steal, kill, and destroy your marriage. Your best defense is for you, your mate, and Jesus Christ to form that three-stranded cord that is resistant to the enemy’s attacks.

When to Seek Christian Counseling for Your  Marriage

Marriage can be one of the most rewarding and satisfying experiences of life. However, there is no doubt that a good marriage is not perfect, and building and maintaining one takes commitment and hard work. Christian counseling can benefit your relationship at the first sign of trouble when problems are entrenched, and also as a preventative measure. I would love to sit down with you and explore how the tips I have shared, together with other strategies, can enhance the quality of your marriage and reverse some of the bad relationship habits that chip away at intimacy.

Resources
A brief summary of Dr. Harley’s basic concepts (1995-2014) can be found here:  http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_summary.html
Retrieved May 2, 2014

Photos
“Jumping In,” courtesy of H. Michael Miley, (CC BY-SA 2.0) Flickr CreativeCommon; “Got the Giggles” courtesy of Simon Powell, (CC BY 2.0) Flickr CreativeCommon; “Two Pigs Shows Financial Investment and Security” courtesy of Stuart Miles, freedigitalphotos.com, ID# 100146085.