Top 3 Hopes and Fears in Christian Relationships

One of the greatest desires, if not the greatest desire of our hearts, is to love and to be loved…unconditionally.

At the very core of our being, we want to be known completely by someone else. No masks, no pretense, nothing held back. We want to be utterly real and still be loved and accepted. Not for what we can or cannot do. Not because of our accomplishments or failures, but simply because we are.

Yet, how many of us are ready to embrace such a gift? The reality is that mingled within our dreams and hopes are our fears.

Relationships, specifically romantic relationships, present within themselves the greatest possibility for that type of love and acceptance. Nonetheless, they also present the possibility for holding back because of our fears.

Lori H. Gordon, in her book Passage to Intimacy, identifies three hopes in all love relationships:

1.  That I will continue to have complete control over my decisions and the very core of my being.

2.  That everything I ever wanted and didn’t have I will find and fulfill in this relationship, including friendship, sex, romance, loyalty, trust, etc.

3.  That anything bad, disappointing, or upsetting that ever happened to me in past relationships will never happen in this current relationship, including betrayal, fear, violence, arguments, fights, harshness, etc.

Lory H. Gordon points out that behind the hopes lurk the fears that directly oppose those hopes.

1.  I will lose my freedom, the option to make my own choices or my other relationships.

2.  I will not find the fulfillment in the relationship that I hoped to find.

3.  Everything bad that happened in past relationships will happen again.

Seeing the connection between our feelings of love and fear – our dreams and nightmares – and understanding how we respond unconsciously to that connection invites us to reconsider the way we understand emotions.– Lori H Gordon, Passage to Intimacy

All relationships present themselves with the crash between our hopes and dreams, and the fears that hold us back.

Have you ever found yourself overreacting about a comment made by your spouse?

It’s dinner time, and a young wife and her husband are trying out a new recipe.

“What do you think about it?”

“Yeah…it’s okay.”

“What! You don’t like it?”

“No, it’s okay, I am just not used to lime flavor on my beef.”

“You hate it, I know you hate it!”

“No honey, it’s good”

“Fine, I am throwing it away. You can go and get some fast food since my food is so horrible you can’t stand it!”

While this example might seem a little over the top, situations like this happen. A small comment, not intended to be offensive, all of a sudden becomes a big deal, leading into seemingly stupid fight where one person is left clueless, and one person is inexplicably hurt.

However, if we were to dig deep, we might find out that the young lady trying a new recipe had a father who’s life message to her was, “You are not good enough, you cannot get anything right.” She heard those words and carried those with her.

She hopes that in her new relationship she will find a man that will cherish her and love her. One that will think she is perfect the way she is. Nonetheless, a little hesitation over the new recipe threatens her security, and there is a real fear that the messages she heard from her father will be repeated by her husband. “Does he also think I am not good enough?”

What is important to understand, is that while we all have great dreams and hopes that a romantic relationship will fulfill all our needs, the truth is that there is no relationship on this earth that can do that. We all carry within us messages from our past. We all have imperfections, and we are all capable of hurting those we love, even if we don’t intend to do so.

Yet, there is one relationship where we can be known completely. No masks, no pretense, nothing held back. We can be utterly real and still be loved and accepted. Not for what we can or cannot do. Not because of our accomplishments or failures, but simply because we are.

You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. — Psalm 139:1-5

We all struggle with our hopes and the clash they have with our fears. It is a constant struggle and a battle of the mind. Sometimes, it helps to have someone come along and help us make sense of the emotions that surface as a result of that clash.

As a Christian counselor, it would be my honor to help you work through your emotions and help you make sense of why you react the way you do in your marriage or your relationships. You can find healing from past messages that have hurt you, and continue to do so. And you can find hope in the freedom of the one relationship that offers unconditional love.

Images
cc: freedigitalphotos.net – “Newly Wed Couple Hugging” by photostock and “Young Couple Pointing at Each Ohter Against A White Background” by David Castillo Dominici