Triumphing Over Divorce 101: A Christian Counselor’s Perspective, Part 1

Part 1 of a 5-Part Triumphing Over Divorce 101 Series

Divorce is an alarmingly common occurrence in today’s society. According to statistics published at divorcestatistics.org, 45 to 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce, 60 to 67 percent of second marriages end in divorce, and 70 to 73 percent of third marriages end in divorce. Add to this the demise of relationships that fall short of legal matrimony, and there is a whole lot of heart-ache going on out there. While there is considerable debate regarding the accuracy of such statistics, it is easily recognized that divorce is rampant, even among Christian couples.

The main purpose of this series of articles is not to comment on divorce itself, but rather to provide inspiration and direction for those in the midst of divorce.

Have You Really Lost Everything?

Some divorces take a long time to emerge and, by the time they occur, they do not surprise anyone.  Others are sudden and unexpected.  Either way, the dissolution of a marriage is marked by a tremendous sense of loss.  A variety of feelings may punctuate your typical mood, such as apathy, numbness, depression, relief, anxiety, fear, despair, shame, embarrassment, rage, and often an all-encompassing intense emotional anguish. Your hope that things would get better have been dashed, dreams and plans for the future dismantled, and trust is irretrievably broken.  It can feel as if you have lost “everything” and you must start your life all over again.

The truth is, you haven’t lost everything and you don’t have to start your life all over again.

You lost a spouse and a marriage. You may have lost having your children live with you. You probably lost some possessions and maybe some friends.  Peace, security, and happiness may seem to have been lost (although you may have actually gained it). You may have lost self-respect. But if you take an inventory, you will note there are many things you haven’t lost.  Your salvation and relationship with Jesus?  Your children, who will always be your children, regardless of where they live?  Friends?  Employment?  Your church? Everything that you have overcome in life, and the things that God has wrought in you, everything you have learned?  Strengths? Memories?  Dreams? There are things that no one can take away from you, that you did not lose, or do not have to lose. What’s more, the loss of your emotional well-being need only be temporary.

Triumphing Over Divorce 101

You can move forward and live your life today. You are not starting over from the beginning as if that were even possible. You are picking up from where you are at. And in this series of articles, I outline some of the things you can do so that you can begin to live again.

Establish a Support System

Allow people to help you. Proverbs 17: 17 tells us that: “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.”  Similarly, John Donne’s phrase, “No Man is an Island,” is widely quoted to illustrate the fact that people need interconnectedness with others in order to face the twists and turns of life.

A good support system is typically comprised of Jesus, close friends, loving and healthy family members, a pastor, church elders or leaders, possibly a mentor, and often a professional Christian counselor.  One golden rule is to discriminate between negative, defeatist people and those who tenderly care for you.

You need to be surrounded by people who allow you to be real while offering constructive support, and who encourage you in your walk with the Lord.

Allow Yourself Time to Grieve

Grieving the loss of your partner and marriage is normal and necessary.  Let’s be honest, you will need to grieve even if you caused or wanted the divorce, or if it was necessary in some way.  It is highly unlikely that you embarked on your marriage without hopes and dreams of a happy future.  You have lost what it was, what could have been, what it should have been, or what you wished it would have become.  Don’t be tempted to minimize, deny, justify, rationalize, or sweep such a painful life event under the rug.  Give yourself permission to feel and process all of your feelings (even those that, as a Christian, you don’t feel you have a right to have) and to say “goodbye” to what you need to say goodbye to.

Your emotions, or your lack of emotions, may fight you in the beginning. Give yourself permission to mourn, but resist the urge to crawl in bed and pull the covers over your head or drown your pain in destructive activities.

Christian Counseling Can Help You Heal from Divorce

In the following articles, I will provide further suggestions that can help you to triumph over divorce. However, you need to bear in mind that divorce is a traumatic, major life event and should not be shouldered alone. A grief and loss or divorce support group can provide helpful support in your struggle to move forward after divorce. Likewise, working with a Christian counselor can be a vital support at this time. A trained Christian counselor will listen with empathy as you sort out your thoughts, feelings, and concerns.  If you or someone you care about is going through divorce or struggling with its aftermath, I have personal and professional experience to help. Together, we can explore ideas and strategies for getting through such a painful experience, regaining clarity, and moving toward goals for a fulfilling future.

Photos
Provided through Flickr CreativeCommons; “Ra” by Chris Marchant, (CC BY 2.0); “Talking” courtesy of Pedro Ribeiro Simoes (CC BY 2.0)