Triumphing Over Divorce 101, A Christian Counselor’s Perspective, Part 5

Part 5 of a 5-Part Triumphing Over Divorce 101 Series
This is the final installment in a five-part series on overcoming the painful life challenge that divorce brings. Divorce is so prevalent in our modern society that virtually everyone has either been divorced, come from a broken home themselves, or has friends and loved ones affected by marital collapse.

The experience of divorce is catastrophic at worst, but even under the most cordial circumstances, it can lead to feelings of failure and sadness, which in turn can lead to a measure of depression and a loss of interest in life’s activities. The good news is that life does not end at divorce. With God’s help, positive relationships, and a determination to overcome, you can bounce back and begin a fulfilling new chapter in your life.

My previous articles offered many steps and strategies for healthy self-care during and after a divorce. They suggested ways in which you can intentionally engage in activities that promote emotional healing, connection with others, and personal growth. This final article focuses attention toward the future, a future filled with promise and hope.

Learn From the Experience of Divorce

After a period of grieving, attending to your wounds, and starting the process of rebuilding your life, it is time to reflect and learn from your own mistakes. “My mistakes?” I can hear some of you gasping. “You don’t understand what my spouse did to me. The divorce wasn’t my fault!”

The old saying, “It takes two,” can be insensitive and inaccurate. Clearly, in many divorce situations, one partner is responsible for considerably more damage than the other, such as in the cases of addiction, adultery, and abuse. Nevertheless, in any relationship of substantial duration, more often than not the offending parties had marital counterparts. Examples are an addict wife whose husband was an enabler, an unfaithful husband who felt neglected by his wife after the baby was born, or an abuser who married someone who could be victimized. People do not generally choose and employ destructive behaviors in a vacuum. The issue is not as much about blaming as it is about participation. You need to face your own weaknesses and flaws, especially since those are the only ones you have any control over.

As I have navigated through my own painful experiences in life, my prayer has continually been, “Lord, do not let my suffering be for nothing!” Seek to always remain humble and teachable. Even if your contributions to your marital problems seem small by comparison, identify what they are and seek out your “takeaways” so that you can protect yourself and those you love better. This will also enable you to offer a healthier you in current and future relationships.

Forgive and Seek Forgiveness after Divorce

Emotional and spiritual health requires a willingness to forgive anyone who has wronged or mistreated us, and to forgive ourselves for the ways in which we have harmed others. Often there are other people who have hurt you or whom you have hurt in addition to your ex-partner. Examples are in-laws, your own relatives, friends, church leaders, and even your children. Forgiveness does not change the fact of what has occurred, or the wrongness of it. It does not begin with a feeling, but with a decision made in the heart. You may have to decide to forgive many times before the feeling of forgiveness follows and sticks along with the decision. Don’t give up. God has commanded us to forgive, and as you seek Him in this matter He will help you to stop dwelling on the past and what cannot be changed, and will enable you to release yourself and others from your bitterness and unforgiveness.

It is also appropriate to seek forgiveness and make amends to those you have hurt, where possible. Owning up to your own failures and sin to a partner you are now separated or divorced from does not have to have anything to do with reconciliation, although this can occur. Whether you choose to meet face-to-face or to correspond with a heartfelt letter or some other form of communication, the apology is sometimes better heard and received when a little time has gone by and emotions have had a chance to de-escalate. Be prayerful in whatever you choose to do.

Dream New Dreams

If you press through the damage-control phase in the aftermath of divorce, your grief and loss will eventually give way to a “new normal.” With this comes the capacity to start dreaming again about life’s possibilities. With the freedom of singleness comes the opportunity to make some rather independent decisions about what course you would like your life to take. Where do you want to live? What self-improvements do you want to make? What career pursuits sound appealing? What experiences would you like to have? Would you ever consider marriage again? Broached with an attitude of curiosity and anticipation, this can be a very exhilarating time of contemplation and planning.

Draw Up a Five-Year Plan and a Bucket List

Once you have ideas about some things you’d like to do with your life, it’s time to develop some goals and action plans. A great tool for achieving this is developing a Five-Year Plan. If you are able to do so, I suggest taking an entire weekend for yourself and going to a peaceful place, such as the woods, ocean, or mountains, where you can rest, think, pray, and brainstorm with few distractions. Bring only your Bible, notebook, and basic necessities for your travel. Even if you can’t spare a weekend, carve out a chunk of time, find a private place locally, and get ready for God to meet you there.

During this special time read, pray, and take lots of notes. Don’t discount ideas that come to mind just because they sound like you in your own head. Consider possible goals for various areas of your life: spirituality, relationships, recreation and hobbies, career, learning/education, home and location, ministry and/or civic pursuits, travel, family traditions, etc. You may want to organize your plan into six month, one year, and five year sections. Keep in mind that the plan is not intended to be carved in stone, but is somewhat fluid. Expect to make modifications over time.

A Bucket List is simply a list of all the things you would like to see, do, or experience at least once in your life. Things on the list can range from the totally doable to the outrageous long shot. You probably won’t do everything on the list before leaving this earth. But in making the list you will have identified your yearnings, which increases the likelihood of pursuing and satisfying some of them and improves your overall enjoyment of life.

Christian Counseling Can Help You Heal from Divorce

I hope you have found this series of articles helpful in providing clear and tangible strategies for overcoming the emotional devastation and life-restructuring challenges of divorce. By putting into practice some or all of my suggestions, you should start to see your new life taking shape and begin to feel better. However, tragedies such as divorce are not easily dealt with alone. Family, friends, and other loved ones can be a tremendous source of support and encouragement as you sort things out. When that doesn’t seem to be enough, or you feel like you are floundering, a professional Christian counselor can come alongside you and walk you through your process to victory. To find out more about Christian counseling and to reach out for understanding and compassionate care, feel free to contact me here.
Photos
“Freedom,” by Kaysse, Flickr CreativeCommons (CC BY 2.0); “Make a Wish,” girl with dandelion by len-k-a, Image ID 1327279