Understanding How to Manage Anger

In looking at how to manage anger, it is helpful to better understand the three primary emotions. Psychologists normally agree that we all experience three basic emotions: love, anger, and fear. It is helpful to compare these to the three primary colors of red, yellow, and blue.

Every color, shade, and hue we see is one of these three primary colors or some combination of them. In the same way, every feeling we experience in life is one of the primary emotions, or more likely, some combination of them.

It helps to see that each emotion has movement and direction. Love is the emotion that always moves us toward someone or something. When I love someone, I want to be with that person. I move toward them. I want to hear their voice and feel their touch.

Anger moves you toward or against.

The movement of anger is not only toward, but also against someone or something. Anger is a separating emotion. I move toward the object of my anger, but with a marked intensity that either strikes out against that object or pushes it away.

The movement of fear is always away from someone or something. If I am afraid I back away. I want to get away from the object of my fear. If I am afraid to ride in elevators, I keep my distance from them. If I am afraid of confrontation, I will back away if possible and avoid all conflict with those around me.

Anger and fear have been called the emotions that trigger the fight or flight syndrome. This prepares me to fight to move against and push away. Fear prepares me to take flight to move away from a threat. Both anger and fear are reactions to a threat.

Fear and anger share responses.

Interestingly, what takes place in my body when I am angry is identical to what happens when I am fearful. The difference is in my understanding of that which is threatening me.

For example, let’s say you are visiting a friend of yours in a different city, even though the town is scary and dangerous to you. You arrive in the evening but the parking space nearest his home is several blocks away. You quickly lock up and start walking briskly to your friend’s house.

But then you hear footsteps behind you. You momentarily slowed down. So do the footsteps. You speed up. So do they. You start running. So do they. What would a normal human being experience in that situation? Fear.

You run toward their house, but just as you are banging on their front door to let you in, the footsteps come up from behind you and stop. The voice behind you says, “Aha, I got you!” You turn around and see that the footsteps belong to your friend. Now what do you feel? Anger, instantly.

What happened? For one thing, your emotions changed from fear to anger in a split second. The reason they did is based on another thing that changed – your perception of the threat. When the threat was unknown, and you heard oncoming footsteps, you imagined all kinds of things if the person chasing you caught up to you. When the threat became known and was seen to no longer be a threat, then anger became the natural response.

Now imagine if that friend was also your fiancé – you can see how the three primary emotions of love, anger, and fear can get all mixed up. As we can move from love to fear to anger – and back and forth between them – it can become a confusing pattern.

When we add to these three emotions the myriad of feelings we experience, it gets even more complex. We use the term feelings to describe worry, guilt, anxiety, sadness, depression, happiness, joy, contentment, and the like. But we can better understand these many feelings if we can understand the three basic emotions and how they work.

Love enables us to act instead of react.

Our understanding of their movement will also help us sort out what we experience emotionally when we are in a sequence of events like those described above that have all three emotions working at the same time.

Another important point to understand about the three basic emotions is how they are related to self-control. The emotions of anger and fear are reactions to threatening situations or people. Love is the emotion of self-control, for when love is our response, we can act, not react, to life.

Tips for how to manage anger.

Keeping a lid on your anger is challenging at the best of times, and they damage our health and our relationships with those closest to us, so here are some simple anger management techniques to remember.

Stop, think, and then speak. 

If you were to ever catch fire, remembering to stop, drop and roll so that you can smother the flames is something we were taught at school. Remember your tongue can easily start a raging emotional fire. If you feel yourself burning up with anger, stop, think, and then speak. Spitting out red-hot words in the heat of the moment may be something you will regret later. Instead, collect your thoughts and give others a chance in the conversation to do the same.

Put yourself in a timeout.

You may be used to putting your toddler in timeout. The benefit of getting a short break during a stressful day can also help you to self-soothe and moderate your mood. Even a short break of quiet time away from others will enable you to feel better prepared to cope with oncoming stress calmly and effectively.

Keep a solution-orientated mindset.

Rather than looking at the reasons which provoked you to become angry, work on resolving the issue. Is your child stubbornly refusing to learn good habits? Keep working on creative ways to engage him or her appropriately. Is your husband hopeless at remembering where he put his keys?

Help him to establish a routine to store his keys in the same place whenever he enters the house. It is good to understand that some things are out of your control, so be realistic about what you can and cannot change. Keep in mind that anger does not fix anything, and often only adds fuel to the fire of combustible situations.

When angry, refer to yourself, not them.

If you criticize someone or blame them, you will likely increase the tension between you. Try to instead use statements that begin with “I” when describing the problem while being respectful and specific.

For example, instead of saying, “You never help tidy up after supper,” say, “I am upset you do not offer to help clean up.” To add a more objective tone to the conversation, begin with “It seems.” For example, “It seems like you do not want to share in the housework after dinner.”

When calm, describe your concerns. 

With a mind cleared of the temptation to react in a knee-jerk manner, express what you think and feel in an assertive but non-aggressive manner. This means when you are finished explaining your needs and concerns, no one feels hurt or that you are trying to manipulate them.

Use exercise as a stress antidote. 

Elevating your heart rate regularly for 20 or 30 minutes each day will help to dial down the stress you feel that tips your reaction towards anger. If you feel your internal temperature climbing, go for a quick walk, run, or any other exercise that you enjoy.

Do not hold a grudge.

A common metaphor for unforgiveness is drinking poison and expecting the other person to become ill. Allowing anger and other negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you may well find your bitterness and resentment growing out of control. Forgiveness is extraordinarily powerful. It can overcome negative feelings and provide a platform to help you both to learn from the situation and strengthen your relationship.

Remember that laughter is the best medicine.

A smile and a laugh diffuse tension. Try and experiment with humor to help you confidently face the topic that is causing you to get angry and consider using it to name any expectations – realistic or not – for how you want things to work out. Do not use sarcasm as it can hurt the feelings of others and make matters worse.

Become better at relaxation drills. 

Imagine when you are next tempted to fly off the handle, that you instead take a series of internal actions that successfully dial you down and keep your feet on the ground.

Look to better understand the techniques around deep breathing, visualizing a relaxing scene, or using a vocal mantra of a calming word or phrase, and then look out for opportunities to practice them. Start with low-risk scenarios and practice to the point where you can use them successfully in any stressful situation.

Know when you need help.

Understanding how to manage anger is never easy. If you suspect you have an anger problem or are being consistently told that you do, then it is appropriate to get help for anger issues. If you do things that you regret or cause hurt to those around you, then it is time to get help.

Christian counseling for anger management.

If you’re looking for additional help to establish how to manage anger beyond this article, or perhaps even if someone you love is unable or unwilling to recognize the challenges they face, browse our online counselor directory, or contact our office to schedule an appointment. We would be honored to walk with you on this journey.