Is it Really a Choice Between Being Alone and Monotony?

Contemporary Western culture inhabits what is possibly its strongest period of ambivalence toward marriage. People don’t want to be alone, but neither do they want to commit to what they fear is a one-way ticket to monotony. Nevertheless, despite their concerns, many continue heading toward the altar.

The Upside of Marriage

In his book The Meaning of Marriage, Timothy Keller argues marriage has traditionally been a means of maintaining healthy social standards and has statistically proven its benefits to its affiliates. “Eighty-four percent of married people are very satisfied with their family lives, compared to 71 percent of those living with a partner, 66 percent of those who are single, and fifty percent of those who are divorced or separated,” according to a Pew Center study he cites that was conducted in 2010. Keller also cited a study performed in 1992 of retirement data that said people who stayed married had 75 percent more wealth at retirement than those who never married or had been divorced and never remarried.

Marriage Helps Us Grow More Integrity

On paper, marriage is looking better and better. So the issue becomes not whether marriage is beneficial, but what kind of marriage. Obviously, God did not intend for people to make matrimonial commitments only to be miserable for the rest of their lives. He created Eve because Adam needed someone. Humans were paired because life is enhanced when you have a partner with whom to live it. Spouses also help their partners become better people. Keller discusses how spouses hold each other to a certain standard of integrity. They will also help you curb more practical vices such as finance management. Most single people don’t have someone there to make sure they don’t spend all their money on burritos and Bouncing Souls vinyl; marriage changes that.

Beyond Self-Absorption

Healthy marriages also provide a nurturing environment for children. A State of Our Unions study Keller cites several times claims children who grow up in married, two-parent families are two to three times as likely to have positive futures than those who don’t. Marriage has traditionally been viewed as a social tool for providing children with attentive, nurturing upbringings. And it is because of this commitment to nurturing that marriage has also traditionally been viewed as a tool for “civilizing” men.  “One of the classic purposes of marriage was very definitely to ‘change’ men and be a ‘school’ in which they learned how to conduct new, more interdependent relationships.” (Keller 31) It was considered an institution where men began to look outward rather than inward and learned how to serve others.

Being Prepared Through Avenues Such as Premarital Counseling Statistically Reduces the Likelihood of Divorce

But this space of “stability, love, and consolation,” is not created just by making a few promises in front of a pulpit. (Keller 35) It takes work, which is why so many dewy-eyed couples find themselves filing for divorce. However, just because marriage is hard, doesn’t mean divorce is inevitable. As Keller points out, the better prepared a couple is for marriage, the lower their likelihood of separating. Yes, statistically 45 percent of marriages fall apart. However, the majority of divorces are filed for by people who marry before they turn 18, who don’t finish high school, and who have a child before marrying. People who wait to pursue their education, establish income, and marry toward their mid-20s stand a much better chance of making it. (23)

Often Divorce Doesn’t Solve the Underlying Issue

As Keller goes on to mention, statistics suggest divorce doesn’t necessarily make anyone any happier. He goes back to the State of Our Unions study to show people who may not be happy in their marriages now often eventually become happier. I heard a story about a woman from a small town who raised some eyebrows when she told a group of people she didn’t know why she left her first husband for her second and her second for her third because she always ended up with the same problems she had in the first place.

Marriage is Not Salvation it’s Part of Our Sanctification

Many people get married because, like this woman, they think it will improve their lives. They think it will not only provide an everlasting fountain of love and approbation, but it will also make all their problems disappear. False. To address this, Keller draws on the analogy of a believer’s relationship with Christ, the pattern God used to design marriage. Just as salvation provides us with a means of combating our sin nature, it does not eliminate it. And just as marriage provides us with a life-partner who loves us, couples have to work to develop and maintain that refuge of safety and acceptance.

Marriage is a Window Into the Gospel

However, Keller argues that this was God’s design for marriage, that it would be “a major vehicle for the gospel’s remaking of your heart from the inside out and your life from the ground up.” (48) Because creating a healthy bond between two sinful human beings is so difficult, marriage drives the married to the Cross for help. “On the one hand, the experience of marriage will unveil the beauty and depths of the gospel to you. On the other hand, a greater understanding of the gospel will help you experience deeper and deeper the union with each other as the years go on.” (48)

*Article based on Timothy Keller’s “The Meaning of Marriage” 

Images cc: freedigitalphotos.com – “Couple Reading A Book” by imagerymajestic