Why You Should Talk about Your Spouse’s affair with a Christian Counselor

Part 1 in a How to Discuss What Went On During An Affair Series 

References NOT ‘Just Friends’ by Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D with Jean Coppock Staeheli

A lot of people will tell you that talking about the details of one spouse’s affair is bad for your marriage.  They will say you are only making it more painful for yourself because dwelling on infidelity keeps you from healing. None of this is true. Counselor and author Susan Glass, PhD, argues that discussing the events of an affair helps bring both spouses closer together.

Why Your Partner Needs to Know

Because the betrayed partner was not with you while you were being unfaithful, they have to imagine what happened. These fantasies may or may not bear any resemblance to the truth becauall the betrayed spouse has to go on is what they have been told, and what they think they know. Which do you think is worse– having your partner tell you the truth about their infidelity, or building up the horror show in your head of what you think they did?

Answering your mate’s questions as they decide what they are ready to know helps them establish security. You also rebuild trust as you show your willingness to answer questions. This part can be hard. Talking about your infidelity can be shameful, or you may not want to discuss everything because of residual loyalty to your affair partner. Only by proving to your mate that you won’t keep secrets from them anymore can you regain their trust.

Talking about infidelity is difficult and painful, but it is also liberating. “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:32) When Jesus said this, he was referring to himself. But it is by pursuing the only legitimate path to life that people can be freed from the constraints of sin. And it is only by being honest with their spouse about their affair can partners escape the bonds of deception and unfaithfulness.

 What You Did

It is hard to have an intimate relationship with someone who keeps secrets from you. People feel hurt and resentful when they know their spouse is excluding them from part of their life. You can help heal this by filling them in on the details of the affair. Revealing the truth will also clear up any misconceptions and fill gaps.

The betrayed partner goes from thinking everything is dandy to trying to figure out what their spouse was actually up to during the affair period. “That’s why both partners need to get out their calendars, discuss the receipts, and review the cell phone calls. Things won’t make sense to the betrayed partner until all the missing pieces are accounted for.” (193)

The betrayed partner may start reexamining time you spent together or surprise gifts to find out what your true motivations might have been. Did you get them that fancy Christmas present out of guilt? Did you miss your daughter’s game because you were meeting your lover? Finally learning the truth can help the betrayed spouse to stop obsessing and start focusing on rebuilding their marriage.

How You Did It

Understanding how the unfaithful spouse managed to pull off the affair can also be helpful. Explaining when they found time to meet with their lover and where they went can help their mate get a better picture of what went on during the affair period. It also assures them the infidelity is over because now they know where and when their spouse was meeting their affair partner.

 Breaking Your Loyalty to the Affair

Revealing secrets related to the affair is also beneficial for the unfaithful spouse because it takes some of the shine off the affair. Putting it out in the open forces you to be more realistic when you look at it. It is no longer protected and romanticized in the safety of your mind. Glass cites a study that claimed keeping an affair secret “intensifies arousal and makes the [affair] partner appear more attractive and exciting than he or she would otherwise have been. Secret relationships are overvalued because [keeping them a secret] creates an irrational perspective.” (196)

During the beginning stages of affair disclosure, many unfaithful partners struggle with loyalty to their lover and illicit relationship. By discussing your affair with your spouse, you empower yourself to break your ties to your affair. You also begin dismantling the barrier separating you from your spouse. Concealing an affair requires you to shut your spouse out of a major part of your life. You are on constant alert to keep them from finding out where you’ve been, what you were going, who you were with… “Instead of being free and authentic, you become artful, subtly crafting your verbal responses to influence your partner’s impressions and reactions. It’s hard to be truly close to someone when you’re hiding something of significance from him or her.” (197)

Few unfaithful spouses can keep secrets from their spouse forever. Yes, there is the rare occasion where a spouse is kept in the dark the entire marriage. But they usually know something is amiss, even if they do not know what it is. You know each other too well and see each other too often to keep much to yourself.

“Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but whoever takes crooked paths will be found out.” (Prov. 9:10 NIV) More than once Proverbs reminds us that honesty really is the best policy. It is just too difficult to hide another relationship from your spouse. And, not only will it devastate your marriage when they eventually find out, holding them at arm’s length to keep them from discovering your secret will hamper your marital intimacy. Consider the imagery of “crooked paths.” Walking a bumpy path in the dark is dangerous. So is keeping secrets from your spouse. Both are liable to trip you up and keep you wandering in the wilderness. It is best to keep everything out in the light.

Healing Through Disclosure

Glass cites an online survey of 1,083 betrayed partners that proves talking about the affair helps repair the marriage. It revealed that couples that had thorough discussions about the affair were more likely to stay together. “Open discussion and honest communication led to restored trust and an improved relationship that was even better than before the affair.” (192) When the unfaithful partner answered their spouse’s questions about the affair, 72 percent rebuilt trust. When they refused to answer questions, only 31 percent rebuilt trust.

You cannot expect your spouse to automatically trust you again after you reveal an affair. You have to earn that. Answering their questions about the details of the affair is the best way to do that. Willingness to tell them about this part of your life shows your spouse you are no longer hiding anything from them. 

 Christian Counseling for Talking About an Affair

Figuring out how to talk about an affair can be complicated. The betrayed partner might not be sure what they are ready to know. The involved partner might struggle with wanting to keep secrets out of loyalty to their affair. They might also be worried about upsetting their spouse with what they tell them. If you and your mate are uncertain how to go about discussing an affair, make an appointment with a professional Christian marriage counselor.  They can guide you through discussing infidelity and dealing with the accompanying emotional storm. Christian marriage counseling provides couples with a source of spiritual support and a safe place to take on the difficulties of infidelity.

Images cc: freedigitalphotos.com -“Man Comforting A Woman” by David Castillo Dominici
“Chain With A Broken Link ” by David Castillo Dominici