Your Marriage is Your Mission Field: Thoughts from a Christian Counselor, Part 2

Part 2 of a 2-Part Your Marriage is Your Mission Field Series

In my previous article, I argued that the primary mission field of the married person is that person’s spouse. Human beings are called to do something worthwhile in this world, and the single most important thing that a married person can do is to sow into, or minister to, their husband or wife. You are called to be a safe place for your spouse, a place where their heart can find shelter and protection. In this article, I continue this discussion by looking at the sort of love that you are called to offer to your spouse.

Is Your Love About Giving or Getting?

Everyone marries someone they love. Take Joe-Husband, for example. He married the woman he loves more than anything, but is his desire for her fullness or his fulfillment? Is his love defined by desperation to see his partner fully alive ̶ to see his wife living as her truest self? Or is his love actually more about his self? Does he expect his wife to make him feel secure, and hope that his marriage will complete him? In both cases, the hope is that one partner sows into the fullness of the other, but the first is about giving and the second is about getting. It is the first scenario that is the worthy mission of a mature husband while the second illustrates dependence on his wife who is expected to be mature for him.

Creating Happiness Together

How about you? Do you hope to create happiness together, or to have happiness served to you? Do you love your partner in order to generate life and health together, because of the desire to join two stories? Or do you love them because you see them as a fairly complete list of the traits you think will make you happy? The real question is: What kind of story are you offering to add to your partner’s story? Is it a story of service out of love, of wise priorities, and good boundaries? When a person is concerned with providing these things, they can provide a lovely home to any heart ̶ a solid foundation of “Be” that leads to a lovely home of “Do.”

However, when a person is more concerned with the techniques of making someone love them, it is usually a sign that they lack the security of a solid foundation within themselves. This person will tend to focus on himself or herself when it is time to focus on their partner: their mission field will be to make someone love them. (And they may never truly believe that they deserve such love, which makes the futility in the cycle clear.) A partner who is not ready to sow into their primary mission field will soon fail the test of love and will find themselves caught up in criticism, hurtful talk, resentment, and fault-finding.

What is Needed to be a Life-Giver?

If the people around you are marked by receiving your love, then the odds are good that when your spouse suddenly becomes closer and more familiar than a sibling, you will still desire good for them. You will also be able to receive good from them because your love is focused more on who they are and less on how you are. If the people around you always seem to fail you, you might be preoccupied with providing for yourself rather than being a life-giver. This means that you won’t be a safe home for another’s heart. There are many reasons why people require service instead of serving and some of them are not their own fault but are rather because someone else took from them. Nevertheless, any partner’s heart will still need a safe, mature, consistent home.

At its core, breaking your partner down is usually a demand to be served. By breaking your partner down, you are starving their beauty which is the prize you claim (and either cherish or despise) when you marry. Do you want to be served or do you want to see your partner’s beauty? You are the most influential shaper of their self ̶ and they of yours. Sow into your primary mission field and pour your heart into blessing and nurturing your partner. There is nothing better you can achieve day-to-day, and there is no better investment.

Christian Counseling Can Strengthen Your Marriage

Christian counseling can help you to understand your role in your marriage and enable you to appreciate how you and your partner affect each other. If the questions raised in this article seem significant for you and if you want to become a better home to your partner’s heart, or if you want to seek healing in your marriage from damage done by either partner being inhospitable, speaking to a trained Christian counselor could be a wonderful investment.

 

Photos
freedigitalphotos.net: Mission Closeup Stock Photo. By patpitchaya,Stock Photo image ID: 100168004; Summer In Sweden Stock Photo. By Poulsen Photo, Stock Photo – image ID: 100218115