5 Abandonment Trauma Triggers in the Workplace

We carry the effects of abandonment and neglect into every area of our lives, including the workplace. Despite our efforts to keep our work and private lives separate, trauma wounds do not recognize boundaries. We might feel sudden, strong emotions because of something that happened with an employer or coworker. This can lead to emotional dysregulation, making it difficult to focus on work tasks.

In some cases, these triggers can be extreme enough to affect our work performance. If we are going to heal or confront abandonment trauma, we must observe how we are triggered in every context of our lives, even in the workplace.

A Complicated Relationship With Authority

A person who has experienced abandonment and neglect has grown up with a gap or void in their life. This is the place where a parent’s constant concern and love should have been. It should have been partially filled by a teacher’s guidance and encouragement or by an older sibling’s reassurance.

We naturally look to the parental figures, leaders, and senior peers around us to provide us with attention, affection, appreciation, and affirmation. When we miss out on this or only receive it occasionally from people who blow hot and cold, that gap remains empty. The abandonment wound aches to be seen, noticed, appreciated, and cared for.

Many of us grew up with parents and caregivers who were physically present but emotionally distant or only available to us on their terms. In the absence of their care, we naturally look to the next authority figure to provide us with emotional stability, which might be another relative, older sibling, or teacher.

For some of us, the quest for attention and care never ends, and we continue to look to senior peers or authority figures for something to fill the void. Of course, this means that many of us look to our bosses, managers, and even coworkers for attention, appreciation, and affection, whether we are aware of it or not.

This doesn’t mean that we are inappropriate in the workplace, treating professional relationships casually. Some people do try to form friendships with their colleagues and bosses. More often, however, we adapt to life with an abandonment wound.

What this means is that we try to gain appreciation, attention, and affirmation through our work performance; we hope to be praised for our achievements, and we feel shame over our failures as if we have let a parent down. As much as we try to separate our professional experiences from our personal lives, when we are carrying abandonment trauma, the crossover is natural and can get messy.

Simple Acknowledgement

People who have been emotionally wounded by trauma tend to feel shame as if they somehow caused the pain. We are never to blame for our hurts, but we are responsible for acknowledging them. It takes courage to admit something like, “I don’t know what is wrong with me, but I know I’m not okay.” That is the first step to healing our abandonment wound.

We might notice that our emotions have gone haywire over a particular situation at work and not understand why. We might cry regularly in the restroom, find relief in venting about things with a coworker, or lose sleep over a work-related issue. We do not need to be ashamed of these experiences, but we do need to acknowledge them because they point to something being out of alignment.

Next, we must try to identify what triggered our emotional or mental turmoil. If we begin noticing the things that currently affect us, we can start connecting the dots and seeing patterns between these occurrences and our past experiences. We might benefit from having a friend, confidante, or counselor to talk through these things with, but it will also help us begin to confront and heal our abandonment wound.

Five Abandonment Trauma Triggers You May Encounter At Work

Many things that happen in the workplace can be hurtful and hard to cope with, but certain types of treatment we experience trigger pain in the abandonment wound. Others might become angry or frustrated over the same situation, but they cause those with abandonment trauma to feel completely worthless. Unfortunately, there are common occurrences in many workplaces, regardless of the nature of the job.

Your work is overlooked.

There are few things as soul-crushing as having your hard work ignored, forgotten, or dismissed. Many bosses would say that their way of thanking their employees for all their hard work is with a paycheck at the end of the week or a bonus at the end of the year.

While the monetary gain is fair compensation for our time and energy, we sometimes genuinely need verbal acknowledgment or praise. If we grew up with parents who overlooked our achievements or only showed us affection in the context of acknowledging our accomplishments, we would be hurt by a boss overlooking our work.

Your ideas are dismissed

Equally as hurtful as having our work overlooked is having our ideas dismissed or shut down. Bosses, managers, and leaders at the top tend to have similar abrasive, harsh, or outspoken personalities. Their words and attitudes can be cutting, even when they don’t intend to cause harm or lower morale.

Other personality types might have to adjust to this kind of treatment, but it is incredibly triggering for those with abandonment trauma. It never gets easier to have your ideas dismissed, especially when you are confident that your suggestions would help the work.

Your thoughts and feelings are invalidated

Many workplaces are brutal environments where workers have no time or space to regulate their emotions. They are expected to focus on the task at hand and meet their quota of the day’s work.

Some people have no choice but to adapt to working conditions like these, but they are triggering conditions for those with abandonment trauma. We can never get used to feeling like our thoughts, feelings, and preferences don’t matter when that is the message that our workplace repeats daily.

Colleagues and coworkers are acknowledged instead of you.

The most outspoken, dynamic personalities are sometimes the only ones recognized in the workplace, regardless of their work ethic. They catch the attention of management and bosses and often know how to win them over, even taking credit for things that they have not personally accomplished.

It can be difficult to confront them with this and not feel like a tattle-tale, especially when the bosses seem to favor them. These are the same dynamics many of us had with siblings or schoolmates, and it remains a trigger for many in their professional lives.

Your boss “dangles carrots”

One of the most common and most damaging triggers is when bosses hint at promotions, promise perks or bonuses, or schedule one-on-one meetings that never end up coming to fruition.

This is in line with experiences most of us have had throughout our lives, and it’s hard not to feel some way about them. It’s unfair and unjust on any level, but when it happens to people with abandonment trauma, it is a grim reminder of all of the times we have been lied to by the people we ought to trust.

Next Steps to Deal With Abandonment Triggers At Work

If you have struggled with any of these experiences, you are not alone, and your emotions are valid. You might not know how to navigate them, but you are one step closer to healing than you were yesterday.

It’s not easy to heal from abandonment trauma alone. Many people benefit from talking about their experiences with a neutral third party, like a counselor. If you would like to meet with a counselor, please contact us, and we will connect you with a counselor near you.