Codependency in Friendships: Identifying Patterns and Finding Healing

We want great friends, and we want to be great friends. We all have a deep desire for meaningful friendships. We long to know others and be known in turn. Unfortunately, we may have patterns of thought and behavior in our lives that undermine that noble goal. Codependency in friendships is one such pattern that may at first glance look great, but it is ultimately damaging to all concerned.

Understanding Codependency

When a person is codependent, they may have difficulty being able to define themselves on their own terms. They struggle to have a strong sense of identity. Often, they understand themselves in relation to others and what they can do for others. A codependent person will feel purpose as long as they can do something for someone else.

There may be many reasons why a person becomes codependent, including growing up in a dysfunctional family. Instead of being nurtured, circumstances can cause a young person to take on the role of a nurturer. That can result in patterns of prioritizing others’ needs above one’s own and being over-reliant on others for emotional validation. Trauma can also be at the root of codependent patterns.

A codependent person can enter a relationship with someone who enables their codependent patterns. If a codependent person is an over-eager helper who is willing to sacrifice their well-being for another, the enabler is willing to allow them to do so. If a codependent person feels a sense of wholeness when they swoop in to rescue others, the enabler is often in trouble. They will allow the codependent person to rescue them, time and again.

From a certain perspective, codependency in friendships can look like a friend helping another friend in need. However, there’s a lot more going on beneath the surface. Helping a friend shouldn’t have to hurt all the time, but codependency means constantly putting yourself and your well-being on the line for others. A good friend wouldn’t require that of others, and a healthy friend wouldn’t do that to themselves.

Identifying Codependency in Friendships

When you pause to consider the possibility of codependency in friendships, it’s important to be open-minded and willing to change. You could be the codependent party in this equation, or you might be the enabler. Neither position is a healthy one. The codependent party is being over-reliant on others for their sense of self, and the enabler isn’t protecting their friend from themselves or learning how to handle their own crises.

There are ways to detect a codependent relationship.

Unbalanced dynamics A friendship is meant to be the meeting of two equals who decide to do life together. The friends have different skills and gifts, but there is mutual respect between them. In a codependent friendship, one friend dominates the relationship or makes all the decisions.

Over-reliance Scripture extols the virtues of having support from loved ones, especially during times of trouble (Ecclesiastes 4:7-12). There is a difference between this, and one friend relying too heavily on the other for emotional support or validation. The two become so enmeshed that they don’t know who they are without the other person.

Enabling behaviors This can look like one friend consistently enabling the other by rescuing them from the consequences of their behavior. This might include bailing them out, covering their bad financial decisions, being their alibi to cover their lapses, or otherwise making excuses for them and their bad behavior.

A lack of boundaries People need boundaries to preserve their sense of individuality. The boundary is a limit indicating your personal preferences, what you’re comfortable with, and what you want. Essentially, a boundary indicates who you are and what you’re about. If the relationship comes with difficulty in setting or respecting personal boundaries, it points to a codependent dynamic.

In a friendship, the friends should be able to disagree freely, to hold differing opinions, and to feel different emotions. Codependency can result in being heavily influenced by others’ emotions to the point of not allowing for your own. You may feel subtle or overt pressures to have the same opinions about matters as your friend.

Emotional intensity A codependent relationship may also be marked by intense emotional highs and lows, often fueled by drama or crises. It can look like a cycle. The enabler encounters trouble – getting into debt, losing their sobriety, or falling into a slump. Then the codependent friend swoops in for the rescue, paying the bills, getting them situated, and so on.

The key thing to remember is that codependency can look like a healthy relationship between two friends supporting one another and being helpfully present in times of need. However, if you look at the patterns over time, it becomes clear that one person always seems to come to the other’s rescue, and those roles are familiar.

The Unfortunate Results of Codependency in Friendships

A codependent relationship may look like a relationship between one functional person and another who seems to constantly need help and rescuing. That is how it may seem from the outside. That is how it is experienced from the inside as well. However, unlike a healthy relationship where there are established boundaries, a codependent relationship can be discerned by the damage it does to both parties.

Codependent friendships can lead to burnout, for instance. For the codependent friend, being at the demand of their friend and always being the reliable rescuer that clean ups can take their toll. One of the marks of codependency is that it is an unwise form of self-sacrifice. We all need boundaries to protect ourselves, to give ourselves room to recharge, but codependency denies those needs, resulting in burnout.

In addition to burnout, a codependent friendship may also be marked by resentment. The resentment may come because of the disruption the enabler causes in their friend’s life. They may need help at an inconvenient time. They may be asking for money and stretching their friend’s resources to breaking point. As the codependent friend struggles to say “No” due to poor boundaries, they help, but that can plant seeds of resentment.

There is also a loss of personal identity that comes with codependency. One can become so enmeshed with the needs, problems, and desires of their friend that they lose themselves. At the heart of a friendship is the idea that two distinct people come together to walk alongside one another through life. Codependency robs them of that, as one friend’s sense of identity is so closely tied to the other that they lose themselves.

Finding Healing and Recovering from a Codependent Relationship

One of the hardest parts of overcoming codependency is identifying it and naming it for what it is. The people-pleasing behavior, inability to say “no,” and being willing to come to the rescue repeatedly can easily be mistaken for virtue or “being a nice person.” Codependency robs loved ones of their ability to define themselves apart from serving others. It can also keep the enabler from taking personal responsibility for themselves.

Apart from identifying codependent patterns, it can be helpful to take time to invest in self-care. Take time to rest without needing to attend to others’ needs. Pursue or develop hobbies, exercise, and take the time to discover what you enjoy. If the other person isn’t willing to give you room to be yourself, it may be worthwhile considering ending the friendship, as hard as that might be.

Finding healing and recovering from codependency also means learning to establish and maintain healthy boundaries with others. This could require a process of self-discovery as you explore your own limits and interests. Enforcing boundaries is also an important skill to learn. You don’t have to do it alone, though. A counselor can help you build these skills, explore past experiences, and unlearn the patterns that fuel your codependency.

If you believe you are in a codependent friendship, reach out to our offices today. We can set up an appointment for you with one of the therapists on our staff. They will guide you through the process of becoming healthier in your relationships.