Abandonment Trauma and Attachment Styles

In recent years, there has been a rise in general interest in the topics of trauma and attachment styles. Of all the different types of trauma, it is abandonment trauma that tends to have the biggest impact on our attachment style. Whether it was experiences we had in childhood or traumatic events we had as an adult, the way we approach relationships and intimacy is often affected by abandonment trauma.

Many people are unaware that they have abandonment trauma. It is often only as we start getting into serious relationships that we realize we might be damaged in certain areas. It is the way we navigate intimacy that shows where we are hurt.

Shaped by Trauma

Everyone will experience a sense of abandonment at some point in their lives. Some people will feel pain, shame, or anger in the moment, but they will move on relatively unaffected or become slightly more wary of others. However, a sense of abandonment can shape other people and affect their future relationships.

For example, a daughter might have had a close relationship with her father growing up. This closeness might have been affected by a new job that demanded more of his time, gradually stealing him away from her entirely.

While she didn’t blame him for working hard, she still felt like her dad had cast her aside and valued his career over their relationship. The connections she forms as an adult might be affected by her childhood experience with her father. She might always feel second-best to a loved one’s career, even when that is not the case.

The Signs of Abandonment

We get scars from physical injuries, and they become part of our life story. Scars are tangible mementos of our experiences that others can point to and ask about. Unlike bodily injury, abandonment trauma hurts our emotions, beliefs, and sense of self-worth, producing unseen damage. A physical injury might heal over time thanks to our immune system, but emotional wounds like abandonment trauma won’t heal until you locate them and begin to address them.

It is usually in the context of close relationships that we begin seeing the signs of emotional damage. Our beliefs and behavior show what is inside of us. In other words, our attachment style reveals the emotional wounds we are carrying. Realizing where we are hurting is good because then we can begin dressing the wounds and working at replacing the lies we’ve come to believe with the truth.

Attachment Styles

There are four main attachment styles: secure attachment, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, and disorganized attachment. For the sake of this article, we will only be considering the insecure types of attachment styles, namely anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.

People with any of the three insecure attachment styles have difficulty maintaining relationships, regulating their emotions, and conquering their fears. A large percentage of the American population has an insecure attachment style.

People with an anxious attachment style generally have a negative view of themselves but a positive view of others. They are often people-pleasers who use subtle emotional manipulation to win others over and keep them from leaving. Their greatest fear is being left behind – a fear directly linked to abandonment trauma.

Those with an avoidant attachment style have a positive self-view but a negative view of others. They are self-reliant and mistrustful of others. Once again, this can be linked directly to abandonment trauma. To protect themselves from the indignity of being left behind, they try to ensure they only ever rely on the one person who won’t disappoint them: themselves.

Some people swing back and forth between over-reliance on others and being emotionally avoidant. They desire intimacy and connection, but they simply can’t get past their fears of abandonment. This is the disorganized attachment style.

Abandonment and Attachment Styles

As with all types of trauma, abandonment trauma manifests differently for every individual. However, abandonment trauma often manifests through our attachment style. Before we can begin to heal our abandonment wound, we must find out where it stems from and what beliefs are connected to it.

You can’t kill a tree by picking off its leaves, and people don’t deal with their intimacy issues by changing their behavior. Our behavior is linked to our beliefs, and our beliefs are inspired by our experiences, both the good and bad experiences we’ve had.

Sometimes, we have a blind spot as far as our behavior goes. We might need a partner or a loved one to confirm what we are like or how we act. The following are examples of how people interact with others based on their attachment style and how their actions might be linked to abandonment trauma.

Anxious or Disorganized Attachment

People with an anxious or disorganized attachment style tend to be people pleasers. They will constantly put other’s needs, preferences, and general happiness before their own because they tend to value and trust other people above themselves. In relationships and friendships, they give too much of everything, depleting their resources in the process. They are often attention-seeking, insecure about themselves, and in need of constant reassurance.

Outside of romantic relationships, people with anxious attachments tend to be chasers who eagerly pursue people with hopes of connecting. As with anyone who has abandonment trauma, their greatest fear is being cast aside or forgotten about. This can lead them to become possessive and emotionally manipulative to be seen and valued. Many people with anxious attachment will remain in unhealthy relationships simply to avoid being abandoned.

Avoidant or Disorganized Attachment

Where people with an anxious attachment style fear abandonment, avoidant attachers expect it. They retain a fierce sense of independence because, at the end of the day, they believe they can only rely on themselves.

They might actively push others away when they get too close or sabotage existing relationships simply to preempt the abandonment. If their attachment is more disorganized, they might pursue unattainable partners. This is because, as much as they genuinely desire connection, they are too distrustful to lean into it.

Certain behaviors and characteristics point to abandonment trauma, regardless of the person’s attachment style. Generally speaking, people with abandonment trauma tend to feel that they are unworthy or don’t truly deserve love. They overanalyze every engagement, and most are highly anxious and hypervigilant. Many are sensitive to criticism or feedback, detest conflict, and might become defensive whenever someone gets too close to knowing them deeply.

The truth will set you free

Most trauma healing work begins with acknowledging the way things are at present. We might need to go back in time, exploring our memories of past events to find out how they affected us. We need to dig into the beliefs we built up around those memories. Moving forward, we need to identify every individual lie that we have been believing about ourselves and others and replace these beliefs with truths.

This isn’t something that we can do overnight. There is hope for everyone with abandonment trauma and intimacy issues. It requires them to be dedicated to their healing, patient with themselves, and honest with their loved ones. There will be moments in the future where people hurt us, sometimes intentionally, but we can learn to heal our wounds with truth and grace. Don’t give up on yourself – your breakthrough might be closer than you realize.

Working through trauma can be exhausting and confusing, and it’s hard to do alone. Some things feel too personal or intimate to share with friends or family because we feel like they might be shocked or even judgmental.

Meeting with a counselor to talk about these issues will help. Counselors have insight into personal things and will never judge you for anything you share. If you would like to meet with a counselor, please contact our offices today. We will find the right therapist for you from our directory. Start your healing journey today.