What BPD in Women Looks Like

Borderline Personality Disorder is a condition born from complex childhood trauma. A person with BPD experiences crippling loneliness, fear of abandonment, anger control issues, struggles with identity and self-worth, and usually has a history of unstable relationships and broken friendships.

It is not something you were born with; it is the result of complex trauma that you went through when you were too young to process your emotions. While it is still diagnosed the same, BPD in women comes with its own set of unique challenges and experiences. The distinction is important because sometimes the first step in recovery from BPD is to have your particular struggles seen and your unique experiences validated.

The Stigma of BPD

Low self-esteem and self-image issues are among the core effects of BPD, which obviously contribute to the struggle. Besides having to deal with issues like these, people with BPD regularly carry shame surrounding their diagnosis, feeling as if they are too dramatic, too complicated, or broken beyond repair.

These feelings are often confirmed by the way other people treat them. From the outside, people see things like anger issues, impulsive and unpredictable behavior, and many damaged relationships, and cast blame. Being seen as the villain does not help someone who has a crippling fear of abandonment in every relationship they develop.

Besides this, people sometimes dismiss BPD as “attention-seeking behavior”, a bad attitude, or a toxic personality. BPD in women is a magnified issue because historically, women have been labeled as overly emotional, impulsive, or melodramatic.

The truth is that people with BPD were neglected at a vulnerable and critical phase of their development, with too many complex emotions and experiences to process. They are not too much; they simply had too much to deal with at too young an age.

Is BPD in women different?

While the diagnostic criteria for determining BPD do not change for women, and gender does not always affect the way BPD looks, certain critical aspects make BPD in women a unique experience. As with any mental health condition, the way it presents can look different depending on the individual, their age, their background, and a host of other things. It is the same condition, but it is sometimes displayed through different lenses.

At a certain age, emotional dysregulation becomes part of the monthly experience for many women. BPD in women generally means having to face more acute emotional instability, though. These are not the mood swings associated with hormones, either. With BPD, there are more intense emotions that shift rapidly and unpredictably and feel impossible to control.

All people with BPD experience bouts of emptiness and depression, but research shows that this is a more chronic issue for women with BPD. They tend to become suicidal more often than men and develop self-harming tendencies in most cases.

There are also unique combinations of disorders that women with BPD have to deal with that affect men less frequently. For example, it is common for BPD in women to exist alongside anxiety, eating disorders, and PTSD, while men more commonly tend to experience antisocial traits and substance abuse with BPD.

Without an official diagnosis for BPD, any one of the unique traits associated with the disorder could steal focus. A woman might believe she is depressed to the point of feeling suicidal, while also struggling in relationships and missing the fact that it is BPD causing each of these issues. One person’s experience with BPD might be different from someone else’s, even when they have a similar history and personality.

What BPD in Women Looks Like in Relationships

Relationships are the area that gives more clues to a person’s mental health struggles than anywhere else, particularly with BPD. Men and women tend to navigate friendships, romantic partnerships, and intimacy differently from each other, and with BPD, these differences can become a little more pronounced. On the other hand, BPD causes people to be unpredictable and emotionally unstable, regardless of their gender.

People with BPD will send intense mixed signals, from being almost obsessed with someone for a while before becoming disinterested in a short time. They might go from dismissing their partner’s needs and ignoring their preferences one day, to expressing their unfaltering devotion to the relationship the next.

These kinds of mood swings are often unfairly attributed to women in general, but these levels of unpredictable, toxic behavior often point to an underlying condition, whether in men or women.

For people with BPD, relationships and friendships will always be chaotic and complicated. They have the tendency to elevate certain people, romantic or otherwise, to a god-like status, before completely devaluing them without warning.

BPD brings with it more arguments, disagreements, and falling-outs than the average adult friend circle. When a person’s friendships and family connections are constantly fraught with drama and intensity, it should count as a warning sign pointing to a mental health struggle.

Statistically, fewer women are shown to have anger control issues with BPD than men. This does not mean that BPD in women does not cause anger or rage issues. People with BPD regularly respond with anger that is disproportionate to the situation.

Culturally, it might be more expected to see men in a towering rage over certain things because anger presents as a masculine emotion. Uncontrollable anger, however, often points to emotional regulation issues, especially when it doesn’t match the trigger.

Many people struggle with identity issues, confidence, and shifting goals; it’s part of growing up and finding your feet in life. People with BPD consistently struggle with their identity, and this affects everything, from their career goals to their relationships. They might be focused on a goal or a life plan for months, only to unexpectedly drop it and change directions.

From the outside, it looks like they are being inexplicably erratic, while inside, they are dealing with low self-confidence and fear of abandonment should they not meet their goal. A fear of being abandoned by others underpins almost every major decision in a person’s life when they are dealing with BPD.

BPD in women also regularly shows up in the impulsive way she handles her finances, in her constantly changing appearance, and in her hobbies and interests, particularly if they are constantly changing.

Each of these things will inevitably affect her relationships and close friendships, whether she is aware of it or not. Without knowing anything about BPD, she might be labeled as immature, impulsive, or toxic, when in truth she is dealing with something more difficult than others could ever realize.

Recovery From BPD in Women

Dealing with BPD is not a life sentence, and many people recover to the point that they no longer meet the criteria for diagnosis when retested. It is not an infectious disease that can be healed, but it is also not a condition someone is born with; it is a result of complex trauma that can be treated and resolved.

Women with BPD have to face struggles like stigma, stereotypes, misdiagnoses, gendered blame, and the systemic invalidation of their struggles, all as she deals with extreme emotions, low self-esteem, and a fear of abandonment. It could take years of employing evidence-based therapies, but it is possible to recover fully from BPD and have a life of unproblematic relationships and a secure attachment.

You are not alone as you deal with BPD. If you would like to research your options for therapy and support, we can help. We host an online catalog of counselors that we would love you to explore. We hope you find someone suitable to meet with. If you would rather speak with someone who can help you find a counselor, our reception team will be happy to help.