Caring for Others Without Losing Yourself: The Importance of Caregiver Support

There is one myth I believe many caregivers unknowingly live by. It is the belief that caring for someone else requires you to lose yourself. At first, this does not seem true. Most caregivers never wake up one morning deciding to abandon their own life. It happens little by little. It happens through responsibility. It happens through love. It happens through necessity. It happened because you took vows, and you are choosing to honor them at all costs.

Caregiving is unique because many people never choose it. It chooses them. One phone call changed everything. A stroke changes everything. It did for me. A diagnosis changes everything. It was for my mom. An accident changes everything. It does for many. Suddenly, the life you knew becomes the life you used to have.

You are no longer simply a husband, a wife, a daughter, a son. You become a caregiver; a grieving, at times confused, overwhelmed, resentful, hurt caregiver. While everyone is watching the person who is sick, few people are watching the one providing the care.

People pity caregivers, but do not support caregivers or the act of caregiving. Due to this, as one who cares for others, it is important to have key things in place to ensure you have a more pleasant experience while staying present.

Caregiving rarely begins with a choice

Most people prepare for careers. They prepare for marriage. They prepare to become parents. Few prepare to become caregivers. But I think there is room for us to start. This is a thought we will explore another time.

For those coming face to face with aging parents, you discover that one doctor’s appointment is turning into several. Hospital visits are becoming too frequent, therefore, normal. Medication schedules are replacing personal routines. Home modifications are now necessary. As the calendar slowly fills with appointments that belong to your mom or dad.

Before long, you have begun measuring each day by the needs of another person. Not to mention that you are not the one who is familiar with the doctors, and now your name is listed on official medical paperwork. You are caregiving, not just being a good son or daughter, husband or wife, friend or neighbor.

This shift happened

When someone you love or care about becomes ill, their health becomes the priority, as it should. Their recovery deserves attention. Their safety deserves protection. Their life deserves every reasonable effort. The challenge is that while their needs move to the front, yours slowly move to the back. Not because you no longer matter.

Because there never seems to be enough room for both. Why? Because family and friends who get thrust into caregiving begin giving out of necessity and panic while the knowledge of needed caregiving organization and balance is unknown to them. A caregiver in this situation does not mean to lose themselves; it just happened.

When The Sick Become the Center

Here is something that you need to know: illness naturally changes the focus of a family. Conversations become centered around symptoms. Decisions become centered around treatments. Finances become centered around medical expenses. Time becomes centered around recovery. Everything else begins to pale in comparison. Nothing seems to be more urgent. Your hobbies get put on hold. Your friendship gets put on pause. Your dreams get halted.

The caregiver often convinces themselves this is only temporary. Yet months become years. Seasons continue to change while the caregiver remains standing in the same place emotionally. This is where losing yourself quietly begins. Not through one major decision. Through thousands of small ones.

My small decisions began with seeing the need in me to bathe daily. It seemed as though when I bathed my husband, that was the most important. My needs were not. At the time of his stroke, we lived in a three-story townhome. We did not go outside for over four months. He was in prison with the punishment of the stroke, so was I.

However, I did not understand until later that he did not need me to live as if I were sick too. He needed to see me live so he could be inspired to get back to living. He wanted to see me beautified as his wife.

The Slow Disappearance of The Caregiver

This is how you know you have lost yourself as a caregiver. Losing yourself is rarely dramatic; it is more often subtle.

• You stop asking yourself what you need.
• You stop noticing your own exhaustion.
• You stop celebrating your own accomplishments.
• You stop making plans that include your own future.
• Eventually someone asks how you are doing. Your first response is to talk about the person you care for. You no longer know how to answer the question for yourself.
• You begin introducing yourself by someone else’s condition instead of your own life.

Watch out for this mislabeling of yourself as a caregiver. Identity is one of the first things to be disrupted as a caregiver.

• You become the wife of the stroke survivor.
• The husband of the spouse with cancer.
• The daughter caring for her aging mother.
• The son caring for his father.

These descriptions are true. They simply should not become your entire identity. There is honor in caring for others, and I do not want that to go unsaid here. Nevertheless, remember that caring for others requires you to remain able to do so.

This means that emotionally, mentally, and physically, it would be great for you to be in a stable place so that you can help from that same place. A caregiver that is inwardly secure and happy can truly go the distance in care for an individual in a pleasant and effective way. Being a caregiver is one thing; how you give care is another.

What I Wish I Had Known

As a caregiver what I wished I had known is what were some of the key tips that I needed to ensure that it was easier and how to do what was expected of me. I learned how to bathe my husband the hard way. I dressed him the hard way. I helped him use the bathroom the hard way. I fed him the hard way.

Everything I did, I will add “the hard way” because I did not know “how” to do it for a person who was disabled. This would have allowed me to save time and energy which would have helped me not to lose myself so easily in “tying” what was not the best for his condition at the time. Time and method are important.

I mentioned earlier about organization. This tags time and method for me. As a caregiver you won’t be able to get away from the tasks of what is required doctors’ visits, medication runs etc. But how you organize them is up to you. You can use delivery of medication or easier pick-up methods.

Additionally, make sure you have the medication by going to the most convenient pharmacy for you as the caregiver, not the patient. It is also wise to ensure that appointments are synced on the same day as much as possible or sprinkled throughout the week with your errands so that you and the patient are getting what you need.

Organize locations, activities, grocery trips, and leisure outings to ensure everyone gets what they need. As a caregiver, don’t forget our appointments and do not forget to schedule downtime or naps to recharge. You can do that.

Also, do not forget to schedule time to enjoy the relationship with the person and not to emphasize the duty to the person. The relationship is key to nurture while caring for them physically. I wish I had known to protect them a bit more with walks in the park, talks about emotional needs, not just physical or medical, and moments of meaningful physical touch. This includes hugs, hand-holding, kisses, etc.

The person receiving care deserves your best. Your best becomes much more difficult to give when you have nothing remaining inside yourself. Do it for them. Do it for you. Do it for the relationship.