3 Areas of Life that Keep Spouses Apart Causing Marriage Problems

References Intimate Allies by Dan B. Allender and Tremper Longman III

The fountain of marital disagreements is bottomless. You name a topic; you can find a couple that has fought over it. Some topics you can agree to disagree over and never bring up again. But others are unavoidable – issues of faith, in-laws, or child rearing. You cannot escape them, so here are some suggestions for how to incorporate them into your marriage with as little bloodshed as possible.

1. Beliefs

The first half of this section is for singles preparing for marriage. The second half is for married folks.

Singles

Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever? And what agreement has the temple of God with idols? For you^[a] are the temple of the living God. As God has said: “I will dwell in them and walk among them. I will be their God, and they shall be My people.” — 2 Corinthians 6:14-16

There will always be issues of disagreement between you and your spouse. But to place this level of divisive stress between you and your spouse is to almost place a death sentence on the relationship. The Lord is supposed to be your first priority. How can you do that without the understanding and encouragement of your spouse? Being unequally yoked will either weaken your faith or strengthen their resentment. (319)

“Marriage brings enough trouble, but when the troubles come to two people who disagree at the most fundamental and crucial points of life, then disaster will follow.” (319) When thinking about marrying someone, it’s not enough that you are both Christians. Theology involves the most precious and sensitive beliefs people hold. You need to make certain any areas of disagreement are minor enough that they won’t impede your ability to choose a church, or negatively impact your relationship. Below is a checklist of qualities to look for in a mate:

What Kind of Believer Are They?

Checklist

• Do they have a heart for repentance?
• Do they long to serve God?
• Do they bear the same yoke in service, worship, and life?
• Where do they stand on religious social issues? (e.g. abortion, same-sex marriage)
• Are there particular religious ceremonies you’d like your children involved in? (e.g. confirmation, baptism)

Marrieds

But to the rest I, not the Lord, say: If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him.  For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy.  But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace. For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife? — 1 Corinthians 7:12-16

A Christian’s first loyalty is to God. What do you do if your spouse wants nothing to do with him? The same you do with any other unbeliever– show them the love of Christ. As we see in 1 Cor. 7, conflicting spiritual beliefs are not grounds for divorce. The fact that one of you is not a believer does not necessarily guarantee that your marriage is an unhappy one; just that you will have an extra set of struggles, depending on the faith of the Christian spouse and the unbelief of the non-Christian spouse.

Pray that God will use your faith to win your spouse and that he will give you patience in their unbelief. Find a mature Christian from whom you can get advice about how to handle faith-related disagreements in your marriage.

2. In-laws

To become “one flesh,” as Adam said in Genesis 2, your loyalty must be to your spouse.
As Jesus said when people questioned by whose authority he cast out demons, “‘Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation, and every city or house divided against itself will not stand.’ (Matt. 12:25 NKJV) Just as it would make no sense for people to believe Jesus might be a servant of Beelzebub when he expels evil demons, your marriage can’t work if you allow your parents too much authority and influence. Obviously, their first loyalty is to you. And if you run to include them every time you have an argument, they may grow antagonistic toward your spouse and suggest separating the marriage, thinking that is what is in your best interest.

I’m not saying you should never go to your parents for advice while you’re married, especially if they are a successful example you could learn from. However, don’t include them in everything. Especially, as you’ll have to include both sets of parents to avoid hurt feelings. Too many cooks in the kitchen ruins the soup.

3. Children

“When a child is born, both parents should love and care for that child more than any other human being– except their spouse.” (320) Meg of Little Women learned this lesson the hard way. When her twins were born, she devoted every waking minute to their care. She neglected her husband, neglected herself, and after the first year or so, found herself burned out and estranged from her husband because he had been so excluded from “Babydom.” She finally went to her mother and Marmee told her to not make herself such a slave to the infants and to include her husband more in their care. Meg found that it was better for the children to initiate their father into parenting and that working together drew them closer.

As any children of divorced parents will tell you, they better their parents’ marriage, the happier their childhood. This is not to say always choose your spouse over your child. But if you use your children as a distraction from your marital problems or base your self-worth on their accomplishments, you’re in for trouble. If you’re a busy family (and who isn’t?) schedule a regular time to spend with your spouse. It could be a quiet few minutes of coffee or tea after dinner talking about your day. Or you could get up a few minutes early and designate the room a kid-free zone while you make some time for yourselves. Your marriage is not like your children. It will not scream your name until you give it the attention it wants. It will quietly wait, ignored and neglected until keels over.

Professional Christian counseling for couples pulled in different directions
If you and your spouse struggle to reconcile yourselves to your faith, in-laws, or childrearing, contact a professional Christian marriage counselor. A professional Christian counselor will use therapeutic techniques and Biblical principles to help better equip you and your spouse to put your marriage first. You’re not going to get any less busy so get in touch now.