4 Myths about Sexless Marriages Explored with Christian Couples Counseling

References Dr. David Schnarch’s “Myths About Sexless Marriages” from CrucibleTherapy.com and “Intimacy & Desire.”

The Low Desire Partner is Hung Up About Sex

In every relationship, there is a low desire partner and a high desire partner. This does not mean one partner wants sex less than the “average” person, or that the other is a sexual maniac. It means one partner wants sex less than the other, just as one partner is less enthusiastic about yard work or laundry.

Surprisingly, Schnarch said, it is the low desire partner who is often more erotically inclined or sexually experienced that the higher desire partner. But, because the sex they have been having has been mediocre, they are not interested in initiating more of it. “It’s the high desire partner’s desire for additional servings of lousy sex that needs to be questioned.” (crucibletherapy.com)

Scripture discourages believers from settling for the mediocre pleasures within reach in lieu of striving for greater ones. Consider Philippians 3:8 when Paul says he is willing to give up anything he has for the “surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.” The earthly pleasures he had were easier to obtain, but he was willing to forgo them for the sake of a greater satisfaction– a relationship with Jesus. Sexual dysfunction is similar. It is easier to settle for what you have, but if you give it up to confront what causes you to have mediocre sex, you open the door for the possibility of better intimacy.

Sex Dies in Marriage. Unmarried Couples are More Likely to Have Sex

Marriage does not kill sex; it changes how couples approach it. It seems as if younger couples have more sex only because the chemical euphoria during the beginning of a relationship is so intense. That this period is followed by a lull is not a testament to marriage’s deterioration of intimacy, rather to the natural dissipation of honeymoon brain chemistry. Schnarch says stages of relationship evolution such as this are why marriage is so beneficial to people. It forces them to develop their senses of self and refine how they interact with their partner. Without these steps forward in personal development, people will never have the superior sex that Schnarch says belongs almost exclusively to long-term monogamous partners. “Research says the marital bed is still the hot bed of sex. Married couples are more likely to have more sex, and more varied sex than single people.” (Intimacy & Desire 34) (crucibletherapy.com)

Rekindling Desire is Virtually Impossible Once it Dies

Marital sex gets boring and desire lags because couples have what Schnarch calls “leftovers sex.” Each partner rules out all the things that make them uncomfortable, and the couple does what is left. No matter how often you have sex, after a few years, you will have gone through your playlist more than once.

Combating the boredom means introducing something sexually novel that one of you will definitely be uncomfortable with, which is why you weren’t doing it.

“Sexual desire problems are a normal and healthy midpoint in the evolution of a relationship and the people in it…The relationship in which you seek refuge pushes you to develop a more solid self, like pushing toothpaste out of a tube by progressively winding the other end.” (Intimacy & Desire 37)

Rekindling desire is so difficult because it requires spouses to do the very thing they have been putting off– endure an uncomfortable situation. The only way spouses can rekindle sexual desire is by examining themselves and the ways they contribute to the relationship’s problems. Avoiding discomfort is what brings them to this crossroads. Accepting that discomfort is necessary for the maturation of a relationship is the only thing that will move them through it. “Every step involves mastering your anxiety rather than having no anxiety at all.” (Intimacy & Desire 175)

Any Christian who thinks they can become more like Christ without adversity is sadly mistaken. Why else would so much of the New Testament be dedicated to reminding us that struggle is essential for our sanctification? “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” (James 1:2-4 NIV) This verse reinforces Schnarch’s teaching that marriage was created by God to strengthen integrity.

Desire Isn’t Something You Can Make Yourself Feel, Either You Do or You Don’t. It’s Like “Sexual Chemistry.”

Reducing intimacy to just another natural function is damaging for two reasons: sex loses all romance and mystery when you diminish sexual feelings to little more than a need to eliminate your sexual bowels. This line of thinking also leads struggling couples to attribute their problems to a fundamental incompatibility rather than a fixable problem because, if they were “truly in love,” it would be effortless. (Intimacy & Desire 38)

“Desire is a capacity you can develop. It’s not simply a biological drive. But it’s not as simple as removing sexual hang-ups or increasing your libido. It’s about increasing your capability… Increasing your sexual desire is not just about wanting sex. If that were the case, desire problems would be simpler. Human sexual desire is about desiring your partner, and not just desiring sex, per se.” (Intimacy & Desire 182)

Many couples find themselves struggling with desire problems, not because they have run out of chemistry, but because there are problems in their relationship that keep them from desiring their partner. Think about it like when a friend does something to irritate you. You get that, “I don’t like you very much right now,” feeling. Does that mean you have lost all capacity to ever like them again? No. Lagging sexual desire in marriage is the same way. You need to figure out what irritations are blocking your desire for your partner and dislodge them.

However, relationship dysfunction is not the only culprit that can sap sexual interest. Sometimes you are just so busy, that sex feels like one more thing you have to do. Schnarch recommends making it into an occasion like you would a weekend away. “There are lots of things you can do to get yourself in the mood for sex. For example; loose that extra ten pounds, let yourself fantasize in advance, take a nice bath, or wear sexy underwear that make you feel hot.” (crucibletherapy.com)

Christian counselors for sexual dysfunction

If you, or your spouse, are struggling with desire or sexual problems in your marriage, make an appointment with a professional Christian marriage counselor. Sexual problems do not just go away. You must deal with them if you want your marriage to not only survive, but to thrive. God designed sex, not just for procreation, but to be a source of joy and union between spouses. Find a professional Christian marriage counselor who can help you rediscover the pleasure of intimacy.