8 Pieces of Advice For Parenting Teenagers That Will Change Your Life

I surveyed several different parents and asked them to share a piece of advice for parenting teenagers. The most common initial response that I received was “I don’t know if I’m the right person to ask, I don’t know if I’m doing it right!”

After engaging in several of these conversations, it became clear that many parents feel a sense of being unsure in parenting teenagers. If you are one of those parents, you are not alone in this feeling! The good news is that all the advice that follows is simple to do; not easy, but simple and straightforward.

Love through establishing boundaries/rules

Establishment of boundaries refers to teaching a child right from wrong and good from evil. This may sound entirely too simple, but the value of this is essential, not only for young children, but especially for teenagers who enter a world where they have access to evil and the ability to choose what is wrong.

The more one is exposed to evil, the more important it is to know the difference between good and evil. Ideally, this teaching begins at a young age and establishes early on the difference between good and evil, as well as the truth that parents establishing boundaries and saying “no” is out of love for the child.

It is no accident that one of the first interactions between God and Adam and Eve is to establish boundaries. He clearly tells them what they are to do and what they are not to do. He clearly states the consequences and then remains with them as they experience the pain of those consequences.

Rules without relationship lead to rebellion

Setting rules in place without the establishment and deepening of a relationship will lead to a teen rebelling against the rules. Rules feel like punishment when there is no trust that the one setting the rules is doing it for your good.

It is important to have the relationship in place from a young age, and it is just as important to deepen that relationship when children move into their teenage years. The following pieces of advice are a great place to start in establishing and deepening your relationship with your teenager.

Be present and available

As teenagers venture into the world, they do take on more responsibilities and practice independence in many ways. Parents naturally allow them to do more things without supervision. Maybe they begin to cook their own food, be at the house alone, work at a job outside of the home, supervise their siblings, or spend time with friends without the supervision of parents.

There is a good and natural move toward more independence. Part of that independence is the teenager learning to seek help when they need it, instead of parents initiating this. All of us know that we are much more likely to seek the help of another when they indicate to us that they are available. One thing that parents can do is signal their availability if their teen wants to engage with them.

Availability without expectation of engaging is often what the teens need to reach out for help. One parent that I spoke to shared that she will try to be up when she knows that her teenager is up, in the few minutes before her teenager leaves the house for the day, just in case her teenager wants to talk through things.

This parent also shared that she would make sure that the radio is off when driving in the vehicle with her teen to leave open the opportunity for conversation. A teen often feels more comfortable speaking with an adult when some of the pressures of face-to-face conversations are lessened.

Listen

This was the first piece of advice that a teenager gave me when I asked about good advice for parents of teenagers. She said that many of her friends have told her that they do not feel listened to by their parents. Often, interactions between parents and their teenagers can be emotional and tense. Moments like these make it difficult for any true listening to take place.

The important part of listening is being aware of how one is listening. One can listen to prepare their response, or one can listen to hear and understand the other person. In general, one feels most listened to when the other person is listening to understand and hear what the other person is saying.

One easy skill to bolster listening skills is to do what we call reflecting back. This is simple. You repeat the words that they just said back to the person. If done in a caring and genuine way, it allows the other person to trust that you are listening to them.

Support

As teenagers move into the more adult and independent world, they need support and encouragement. The teenage years are often full of teens taking chances and being vulnerable as they stumble through choices in the adult world. The funny thing about teenagers is that they often hide their own insecurities as they step into this new world.

Though it is often hidden, the insecurities are there. It can be reassuring to receive encouragement as small successes are achieved. An easy phrase that means the world to teenagers is a genuine “I’m proud of you.” Teenagers long for some assurance that they are doing well in the adult world. They might present a self-assured attitude, but underneath, there is insecurity and longing for support.

Show care

One of the most impactful statements from a young teenager that I interviewed was the following: “Don’t forget that we are still kids, we aren’t adults yet. We need parents to still take care of us and help us.” As teenagers enter the adult world, they can appear mature or project certainty even when they don’t feel mature or certain.

This can make it difficult for their parents to know how to help and care for them. My advice would be to fall back on basics. Check in on how your teenager is sleeping. Support a healthy bedtime routine. Check in on eating habits. Offer to prepare nourishing snacks or meals. Check in on emotional connections with others. Offer some one-on-one time with your teenager to talk about stresses or concerns. Continue to offer affection through physical touch.

This can feel awkward as your teenager grows into their adult body. This is needed now, more than ever. Continue to offer hugs, high fives, fist pumps, etc. Offer a pat on the back or your arm around their shoulder. Teenagers crave this connection, especially when their bodies might feel uncomfortable as they change with the onset of puberty. Continued physical affection from parents can allow a teenager to feel comfortable and confident in their own body.

Dream big

Encourage your teenager to dream big and not limit themselves. It feels safest to do what other people are doing or to only pursue things that are known and familiar. Encouraging your teenager to imagine bigger than what they know communicates two things to your teenager. The first thing it communicates is that you have confidence in the capacity and abilities of your teenager.

The second thing that it communicates is that the Lord has a plan for your teen that is much greater than your own. Ultimately, your teenager must learn to listen to the Lord and follow Him, without the voices of others getting too loud. This truth can also take some of the pressure that parents feel about having to figure out what their teenager plans to do with their life.

Apologize

Every relationship between humans involves rupture. A disconnection between two people. In healthy relationships, the rupture is followed by repair. The repair is a reconnection. Many times, the repair begins with an apology. Not only does this serve as the beginning of repair, but it is also how one takes responsibility for one’s own reactions and responses.

Discussions between parents and their teenagers can often get emotional. When words or tone of voice from the parent become disrespectful or hurtful, it is so important for the parent to apologize to their teenager about this.

It is always important for all of us to take responsibility for our words and actions. The age-old adage is true – kids care more about what adults do than what they say. When teenagers observe their parents apologizing and are at the receiving end of this, they learn how to do this themselves.

In conclusion, I have shared eight different pieces of advice that I received from parents and teenagers about parenting teenagers. Although I cannot guarantee that these pieces of advice will change your life, I can guarantee that if these pieces of advice are taken to heart and implemented in your relationship with your teenager, it will deepen and strengthen your relationship with your teenager.

Deepening and strengthening a relationship with a teenager and parent will not just change those lives, but the lives of others in their family, and every life that your teenager meets. As Mother Teresa once said, “If you want to change the world, go home and love your family.”