How to Recognize the 7 Stages of Grief: Advice from a Christian Counselor

“A man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief.” This phrase describes the “suffering servant” in the book of Isaiah, chapter 53. Christians have come to recognize this passage as describing Jesus. Scripture tells us that Jesus, as God, knew and experienced the deepest grief.

The most concise definition of grief is “the human reaction to loss.” So often we find ourselves in grief, and we don’t quite understand why. Commonly, it is because something or someone is a part of our life, and then something changes. Sometimes that change occurs when someone moves from being living to being dead.

Sometimes it is a fundamental change in a relationship where the relationship will never be what it once was. Sometimes a job, a hope, an expectation is taken away from us. The types of losses that cause grief are endless. Often, we can recognize when we experience grief by identifying common stages of grief that people go through.

History of the Stages of Grief

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross was a Swiss psychiatrist who studied the grief process of hundreds of terminally ill patients. She became famous for her book titled On Death and Dying. In this book, she discussed five different stages of grief that she observed in these hundreds of patients that she studied. It should be noted that two additional stages (shock and testing) were later observed by an associate of hers.

This is the origin of the stages of grief that we will be examining. Although Kubler-Ross based this book on those facing their own impending death, the healthcare community as a whole has come to recognize that these stages apply to a vast spectrum of losses that people experience throughout their lifetime. An important truth about these stages of grief is that they aren’t linear, and people will often cycle through them multiple times.

Christians believe that the second person of the Holy Trinity became human and experienced life as a human. This includes the experience of grief and loss. He elevated humanity through the incarnation and also called humanity to live as His chosen people. Part of that call, I believe, is to recognize and acknowledge our human experience. For two reasons, I believe that this is our call.

The first reason is that God blessed the human race as part of His creation, and also blessed it through becoming a human. It would do us well to acknowledge the depth of what God has blessed. And secondly, in order to have the freedom to continue to follow Christ during difficulties, we must begin with an awareness and acknowledgement of what it means to be human.

An awareness is always required in order to make conscious, free choices to serve and love others. This is why, as Christians, it can be a blessing to be able to recognize when we or someone we are called to love is experiencing different stages of grief.

Stages of Grief Described

Shock

Shock looks different for different people. It is the body’s way of protecting the person from something overwhelming. If a person appears to be acting as if they are unaware of the loss that they’ve experienced, chances are that they are in the stage of shock. This stage can be especially apparent if the loss is unexpected or sudden.

Some common behaviors that indicate shock include:

• Continuing to ask what happened
• Repeating sentences over and over again
• Insisting on carrying on with life as if nothing had happened
• A sense of numbness – being unaffected by things around them

It can be disturbing to witness a person in this state, but when the body and soul are ready, the person will come out of it. It is believed that Jesus’ body experienced a type of state of shock in the Garden of Gethsemane when He was under such duress, awaiting and accepting His suffering and death, that he began to sweat blood (Lk 22:44).

Denial

Much like shock, denial is a protective reaction. It is meant to protect a person from the pain of what they have lost. The person denies the reality or impact of the loss. Unlike shock, there is more consciousness involved in denial. The person in denial can take in information and process it. Sometimes they are aware that they are in denial, and sometimes they are not.

I often think of how often Jesus told His apostles that he was going to be killed. He tells them at least three times throughout the gospels. Some translations state that they did not understand what he was saying, and some say that they were afraid to ask him. Denial can be like this – it is difficult to tell if the person is not aware of what they are denying or if they are somewhat aware, but fear keeps the truth from them.

Anger

Anger is another protective human reaction. If you think of the last time that you felt anger, you might notice that there is a great energy and power that comes with anger. Often, at this stage, the person needs a sense of protection from the pain. The difficulty is that anger tends to push people away and can tend toward disconnection, rather than connection.

It can be helpful to keep in mind that the person who expresses anger could be longing for and needing connection more than ever in this stage. Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane comes to mind.

In particular, when the disciples fall asleep while he is experiencing the agony of His impending suffering. Jesus finds them asleep and asks them, “Could you not stay awake for one hour?”(Mk 14:37). I believe that He experienced some amount of anger at feeling forgotten and abandoned during a time of great grief for him.

Depression

I think that Jesus described this stage best when He said, “My soul is sorrowful unto death”(Mk 13:34). This is the deep sadness that can feel like a weight. Different people experience depression in different ways. Often it is presented through physical symptoms: eating more than usual, losing appetite altogether, sleeping too much or too little, moving slowly, no longer experiencing joy or pleasure, or irritability and anger.

Bargaining

This often looks like trying to make a deal. An attempt to exert some control as a way to protect oneself from the pain of the loss. Something akin to this is seen in Jesus’ prayer before his betrayal and death. He prays, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup away from me…” (Lk 22:42).

For other people, it might look like promising God that if He just does one thing to protect them from their loss, then they will be a good person, start going back to church, read the Bible again, etc. It is another attempt to avoid the pain and loss.

Testing

Trying out new ways of coping and learning how to live with the loss. Often, this looks like a flurry of activity to join different support groups or put new routines in place. These structures can be helpful, but there is still a sense of avoidance of the pain. Not to the extent of the other stages, but people around this person will have a sense that this person has not fully accepted their loss.

The image that comes to mind for this stage is this frantic energy around prolonging life that we see in our culture today, such as the constant stream of diets, superfoods, vitamins, and habits that promise health and wellness.

In the end, none of those things will actually keep us from death – the final deterioration of our bodies. One gets the sense that the flurry of activity is more of a protective shield than an actual belief that complete and lasting health and wellness are possible.

Acceptance

Jesus’ words on the cross best describe this stage: “It is finished” (Jn 19:30). In this stage, there is acknowledgement that something has ended, something has truly been lost. There is a certain peace that is experienced, though it may be different from the way that word is used commonly.

I am referring to the peace that surpasses all understanding. The philosophical and theological definition of peace is defined as “the right order of things.” The peace that is rest, even in the midst of suffering; peace that can only come when truth and reality are accepted.

In conclusion, grief is the human reaction to loss. As people living in a fallen world, we will all experience grief at different times in our lives. Scripture tells us that not only did Jesus experience grief, but He was well acquainted with it – He knew it and was close to it.

It strikes me that the psychological term for acceptance could be replaced with a different phrase for Christians. It could be more aptly called peace through surrender. The first six stages are a struggle with protective human reactions. It is not until the final stage that there is a surrender to truth, and it is not until there is a surrender that peace is found.

As Christians, we believe that there is meaning in suffering. Each of these stages is a particular type of suffering. Often, people move in and out of various stages, finding peace and then moving back into an earlier stage. It is not a linear process, and it is not particularly helpful to attempt to rush to the end.

It is in the movement through the stages that a person finds themself with the choice to surrender. And it is only in the willful choice to surrender that peace is experienced. Peace, not as the world recognizes peace, but the peace that Jesus offers His Church, in the midst of suffering and troubles.