Adult Children of Parents Preparing for Retirement: An Interview

Maintaining the connection between adult children and their aging parents can come with challenges. It is no secret that adult children and their parents may experience frustration, irritation, and tension in the relationship from time to time.

Particularly when preparing for retirement, the sense of structure, time, and purpose may be different for the retiree as well as their family members. As both the child and the parents are dealing with life changes in new seasons, the relationship changes as well.

Although there is a long history with many shared memories, the shift in dynamics may place some stress on the relationship. Finding a fulfilling relationship with your parents as you all adjust to life in new forms may include: looking for new shared activities, encouraging independence for each other, and communicating honestly about expectations for the relationship.

In this interview, an adult child talks about their experience navigating the parent/child relationship as their parents enter the life chapter of retirement. Please keep in mind that this person is not speaking from research or a position of expertise; it is simply their perspective of their current circumstances.*

*This person is not a client but in order to protect their privacy, all identifying information will be kept confidential. They consent to the publication of this interview.

Adult Children with Parents Facing Retirement: An Interview

Thank you for taking the time to sit down and talk with me today. Please tell me why this is topic is relevant to you.

Well, my Dad is nearing 65 and my mother is almost 60.

What are you noticing at this life stage?

I am noticing that once they became empty nesters there was a big decline in them cooking and eating well. Growing up, they had no hobbies of their own. All their time was consumed by us [the children]. I have two other siblings.

My mom was very high energy. Both of my parents were very organized, so they made it to all of our activities. And they did a really good job of prioritizing us and showing us that they cared for us. With that however, they did not display any prioritization of self-care.

But it sounds like it was pretty important for them to be at all of your activities.

Very much so. We had a calendar where everything was highlighted.

What else do you remember about that time?

Well especially in high school, I remember some quality time. My dad started work at 3:00am and then when he was done, he would pick me up after school and go get a Snapple or a cookie or something. It was our time together. If he had time, he would take a nap, then we usually went to some sport event. If we were not at a sport event, then we were doing chores. The afternoons were more of my dad’s time to recharge. If I did not have practice going on, then I would be online talking to friends or working on homework. My mom would normally work a bit later and my older brothers would be at practices.

Sounds like your parents worked really hard. Not a lot of space for them to do anything for themselves.

No. My mom got us to school and dad would get us after school. They fortunately had pretty complementary schedules to handle us.

When you left the house for college, what behavior did you notice?

Well whenever my friends would go home and come back on breaks, they would come back with Rubbermaids and Tupperware full of food. When I would go home, my parents would have zero food in the fridge and I would have to get groceries and cook.

They were so glad to be done cooking and constantly going to the store for us that they all of the sudden flopped and did not do much. It is something that my brothers and I still laugh about — going home and having no food in the fridge.

Was it an expectation that you come home and cook?

No. But I cared about that. It also triggered what felt like an early role reversal.

Part of their energy stalling is related to my mom’s depression and her medications. There is a lot less energy in the house to move things along. It felt like because there was a lot less energy around hobbies and moving forward, that they suddenly aged really fast. My dad put on some weight and my mom also put on weight. They became unhealthier, it seemed like, instead of thriving and focusing on themselves.

Do you think the pace that they kept over the years sped up the aging process?

Yes. You can see that because diet and exercise is not a high priority for them, so that process has sped up. It is annoying because it could be controlled. They have the power to do that.

Do you have conversations about that?

Yes, but my mom never listened to us until my brothers’ girlfriends said something. It usually comes along with frustration. I want more time with my parents before taking care of them. That feels really unfair and frustrating because if feels like it is completely in their control but they don’t want to. It has never been a priority. They lost those habits in their twenties. I have my Dad’s old road bike . . . he used to bike, and my Mom used to exercise more.

It is really frustrating to have conversations around health. There is always an excuse. They do not want to do it. It greatly affects our family when they choose not to.

How does it affect your family?

It worries us. A lot of our decisions have been made to stay in the area knowing that their health is declining faster because they are not protecting it. It makes it harder to be together as a whole family because they do not have any hobbies.

It is hard to spend a lot of time together with nothing to do or something to pull us together. It also creates a lot of expectation and guilt when the kids have been the main focus for so long but they do not put that energy somewhere else when you are breaking off and doing your own thing.

Where would you like them to put that energy?

Into exercise and hobbies. They are slowly improving. My dad has started remodeling a car. My mom is going to physical therapy and has stabilized her diet. She has stabilized over all and is starting to have more events with friends.  I no longer feel that same pressure when I am home.

I kind of like calling home and sometimes they do not have time to talk.

What does that communicate to you?

That they have a social life and that they are fulfilling themselves.

Have you noticed any shifts in cognitive functioning or emotional functioning?

My mom has been sharper and more energized since changing her diet. My dad has been able to talk to my brothers more. Cognitively it does not feel like they have declined. It feels more like their bodies and health.

Do they talk about the life stage that they are in?

Not really. We joke about it. My dad will talk about retirement, their will, and finances, and what would be best for my mom if my dad dies first.

Does your mom talk about those things?

No. My mom does not like planning or plotting it out. My mom would like to retire but she has been trying to figure out what to do with her time. My dad is maybe a bit more comfortable talking about next stage stuff and preparing for retirement than my mom is. I wonder if my mom feels less responsibility than my dad.

What do you see as your role in your family at this stage?

I have this sense of responsibility to take care of them as they decline, but I do not want to transition into this caretaker role yet. One of my brothers definitely takes more of a financial role. Because they set us up for that, we have a lot of responsibility. Right now I feel fairly hands off. I wish that what I have to say to them set in more and mattered more. I’m trying to just enjoy the time when I am home and let them make their own decisions.

What do you like about this life stage with them?

I like that we are a little further into the transition of us being adults. A little more comfortable to enjoy them. Not necessarily be their friends, but being like co-adults before shifting in being their caretaker at the end.

Have you thought about being their caretaker?

I imagine my brother and I taking care of them. My family has thought about location of living and those sorts of things with decision making.

How did your parents handle the aging of their own parents?

I am not totally sure. My dad’s mom died when I was in elementary school. We moved in with my grandpa after my grandma died and cared for him in his later years. My mom’s situation was way more emotionally packed due to a number of things, but primarily because my aunt had power of attorney. There’s lot of pain and regret there.

I remember that and do not want to repeat those things. I want to have more of a cohesive plan. It is hard to bring resolutions to those regrets after your parents have died. I think that is something my mom will always carry with her.

What is your sense of what she would have liked to have done?

She would have liked to have taken care of them or at least made sure they were in a safe environment.

It is really important to have decency during that time. I just do not want to have to do that in this stage when they have the choice to be healthier. I want them to live as full of a life as they can. There is a lot that was difficult for my mom. It is important to me that that is a much more dignified process for her.

I think what is really hard about seeing your parents age is that it totally changes the way that you look at them. The power that they hold over you changes. All of the sudden when you are taking care of them and they are meeker and weak. It is really hard to see that as child.

No matter what, I am sure that is hard but any time that it is sooner than expected it makes it harder.

With my mom’s mental illness, I feel like it started a whole lot sooner.

I feel like it changes your whole emotional support system. Your parents are no longer your main pillars. You become theirs. Or you outgrow that.

Sounds like there is a lot of resistance to being in a caregiving role at this point.

Yes. They have a choice to be healthier, happier, and live a longer life. I want them to choose those things.

What have you noticed in the ways that you have interacted with them?

For a while it was with a lot more frustration and sharpness. Now I have found a better balance for how much time I spend with them. Knowing what things are good for them and for us together. Finding things that help them come alive is really fun and sweet. A few years ago, we did Thanksgiving in the mountains and it was really fun to do something that was a bit adventurous for them.

What similarities or differences have you noticed with friends’ parents?

Seems like other people’s parents are less afraid to try new things or check out new hobbies. Some of my friends also have fairly similar parents where we share in the frustration, but we have found a better balance of what we can and cannot do with families that frustrate us. It is helpful to have that camaraderie and to know that it is difficult for others to navigate emotions too with their parents. And that it is a process to become adult children. It is a weird process.

Christian Counseling for Adult Children

If you’re struggling with your changing relationship with your parents, we invite you to pursue Christian counseling for adult children. Browse our counselor directory to find a counselor and schedule your appointment today.