Breaking the Cycle of Perfectionism: Tips from a Christian Counselor, Part I

Part 1 of the 2-Part Breaking the Cycle of Perfectionism Series

The quest for perfectionism is filled with exhaustion. It is a destination we at which we cannot and are not meant to arrive. Perfectionism can involve comparing oneself to others or self-loathing when one doesn’t complete a task. Our society has even made perfectionism into a positive attribute – we convince ourselves that this way of functioning is a healthy form of “motivation” to strive for the best.  This way of thinking can also give a sense of power or control, making this cycle somewhat attractive, as many of us want to feel accomplished and “on top of our game.”

It has been my experience that individuals with perfectionistic thinking are in fact less likely to truly be motivated or healthily functioning human beings. This is largely due to the reality that their goals quickly become greater, and in the process, less attainable or even impossible. Individuals can become depressed or anxious when goals are not attained or standards not met. Inevitably, the cycle continues if these thought patterns go unrecognized, causing more stress, anxiety, and low self-esteem.

Where Does This Come From? Isn’t Striving Healthy?

The first and most important thing to know is that perfectionism stems from a place of fear instead of striving for excellence. Fear that you may be seen with all of your faults and failures for who you truly are. Transparency in our relationships can help set us free from this life of striving for what is impossible to attain. Dr. Brene Brown illuminates an important point, stating that, “perfectionism is not about healthy striving, it is a thought process that says if I do these things perfectly, I can avoid shame, blame, and judgment” (2010). Perfectionism also sets you up to be in performance-based relationships, which in essence will not be genuine or life-giving because they set you at odds with others and with yourself. A helpful example Dr. Brown gives is one about body image. Perfectionism would say, “I’m ugly and ashamed of how I look. I need to be different in order to fit in.”

This is very different from healthy striving, which would say, “I want to do this for myself to feel better. I am not given by worth or love by the number on a scale because I believe I am worthy of love. I am motivated by how I feel, and will give myself compassion in the process.” (2010). These are completely different thought processes, and it is important to differentiate between the two in order to understand what we are truly telling ourselves.

Never Good Enough: Perfectionism and Self-Esteem

Perfectionism is often tied closely to one’s self-esteem and identity. There tends to be somewhat of a lesser view of one’s self with individuals exhibiting needs to be perfect. I have found this to be an interesting parallel because society believes striving for the best is a positive trait when in truth perfectionists may be striving for anything they can control because they view themselves in such a negative light.

What Are You Telling Yourself?

Think about your thought life for a moment. Our thoughts influence behaviors, and we have conversations with ourselves every day. This can range from, “Do I like the way this shirt looks on me?”, to putting ourselves down and having thoughts such as, “I will never be able to do _______.” Through our thoughts, we have influence over ourselves—our thoughts not only affect how we see ourselves and others, but they also influence the goals for which we strive.

Try speaking kindly to yourself. It may feel strange at first, but if we can be our own worst critic, we can also be our own greatest cheerleader. Give yourself permission to fail. It is inevitable, and may become extremely freeing from a life of always having to work harder and be “better”. These small changes in your life can ease the anxiety if you find yourself in comparison with others or putting yourself down.

Christian Counseling for Perfectionism

Perfectionism is a challenging cycle to break. It takes great persistence and will to fight against the negative thought patterns and personal burdens we lay on ourselves. If you find that you are struggling in your quest to break the cycle of perfectionism, please do not hesitate to contact us to learn how Christian counseling may be helpful. A Christian counselor can come alongside you and help you manage the steps to overcoming perfectionism. He or she will encourage you and hold you accountable in your efforts to break the cycle, using both therapeutic techniques and Biblical insight to assist your process.

References

Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Center City, Minnesota: Hazeldon.