Breaking the Cycle of Perfectionism: Tips from a Christian Counselor, Part II

Part 2 of the 2-Part Breaking the Cycle of Perfectionism Series

In my previous article, I introduced the topic of perfectionism—the dangerous belief that we can strive to be perfect (or at least close to it). Today, we live in a world that praises perfectionism. Our society values “ambition” and the constant drive to better oneself. Unfortunately, while ambition can be a good thing, all too often it can spin out of control into perfectionism, which strives for the unattainable.

The truth is, none of us are perfect, and we cannot become perfect by our own efforts. When we feel like we need to be perfect, we focus our efforts on goals that cannot be reached, and our failure to realize those goals inevitably leads us to fixate on our shortcomings. This cycle of striving that leads to failure that leads to self-loathing is difficult to break. However, letting go of perfectionism is a necessary step toward developing a healthy self-esteem and sense of identity. In this article, I want to explore why we can’t be perfect, as well as the hope that comes from knowing that perfection is an unattainable goal.

Why Can’t I Be Perfect?

Perfection is a goal we will never attain because we were never meant to. When we can understand and truly believe this truth, we can begin to experience freedom in the life God intended us to live. He is perfect so that we don’t have to be. It is in this acknowledgment that we can receive grace from God for ourselves when we fail (not if we do). I use that language specifically because we live in an imperfect world, full of imperfect people (including ourselves).

Taking Steps to Overcome Perfectionism

How do we learn how to cope with these tendencies or give ourselves grace in the moments of desiring perfection? The first step I encourage my clients to take is to try to see the disconnection within their views of themselves. By recognizing the inconsistencies between their self-image and their true self, perfectionists begin to set themselves free from the impossible standards they have laid on themselves. Learning new ways to practice positive self-talk, as well as identifying some of the patterns of perfectionism are two great steps toward breaking this cycle that may have you stuck.

Finally, brothers and sister, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable—if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.  – Philippians 4:8 

Recognizing and Accepting Personal Responsibility

Awareness and personal responsibility have been largely effective with my clients when we are working together to break free from the cycle of perfectionism. Taking responsibility for one’s thought life and one’s desire to be perfect is a difficult but necessary step in the healing process. True change is impossible until perfectionists recognize their inability to accept their failures, their perfectionistic thoughts, or their tendency to compare themselves to others. It is our transparency and honesty first with ourselves that allows lasting healing and awareness to occur. Although individuals can influence our continual strive toward perfectionism by telling us we aren’t measuring up, it is our own voices that influence us the most. Don’t allow your thoughts control you, or the thoughts and opinions of others. Instead, “…take every thought captive to obey Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5)

Hope for Perfectionists in Christian Counseling

Is this you? Do you find yourself always coming up short? Never measuring up? We all have conversations with ourselves that fuel the perfectionism fire. Speak kindly and lovingly to yourself, because chances are, you have become your own worst critic.

Christian counseling offers you the opportunity to take stock of your thoughts and to consider the root of your perfectionistic tendencies. Take the next step toward loving yourself by meeting with a Christian counselor who can partner with you in your quest toward discovering your true worth. It is never too late, and you are worth it!

References
Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Center City, Minnesota: Hazeldon.

Photos
MP900387262.jpg from office.Microsoft.com/images and
“Self Discovery Concept” by ponsulak from freedigitalphotos.net