Christian Counselor Tips To Connect with Teens When it Seems Impossible

Do you ever feel as if you no longer know your teen anymore; that you have nothing in common, and all you would like with them is some “normal” conversation? Teenagers are experiencing exponential amounts of changes in their lives ranging from changes in how they look, making friends, peer pressure, and the push from being a child into more of an adult role. Things you used to have in common and laugh about, now become a distant memory as you try to connect with this “stranger” in your own home. Carl Pickhardt offers some helpful tips for connecting with your teen and sheds light on small changes that can be made to better understand where teenagers may be struggling.

Expressing Your Interest: Respect, Appreciation, Validation

Even if you find it hard to relate to your teenager’s hobbies and preoccupations, express curiosity and take an active interest in their life. New interests that develop for your teen may feel unfamiliar, or even create a disconnect, as you don’t enjoy the same activities. Using these differences as a way to learn more about your teen can bring connection and show them that you respect their changing identity in discovering who they are along the way (Pickhardt, 2013). When there is a lack of interest, the parent may feel very frustrated as they don’t know how to connect and accept that they have grown apart from their teenager. These normal changes can bring new opportunity for communication and appreciation of one another. If your teen enjoys snowboarding, this may not necessarily mean buying your own snowboard to share in that experience together (although that is a possibility). Simply expressing an interest in their new passions in life can help validate the teen while letting them know you still want to be a part of their life during a time that is confusing and can breed disconnection.

Be Honest With Your Teen

As the teen is trying to get their footing in their own decisions, identity, and direction in life, they tend to downsize their parents perfectionism. The hero mentality they once had is paired against their own need for independence, causing the teen to see their parent’s faults. Dr. Pickhardt calls this “paternal downsizing”, where the teen sees they can never measure up to this hero mentality they built their parent up to be (2013).  Pickhardt suggests parents help this downsizing by being transparent and honest. Admitting their own mistakes, apologizing, recognizing their shortcomings in being unable to complete certain tasks the teen may be more equipped to complete, and even asking for the teen’s help based on their own expertise (2013). This type of humility can be very effective in bridging the gap for the teen, as well as the parents, in their search for independence. When teens assert their independence, it is important to respect their needs, as well as make known the invitation to communicate so the teen knows the parent isn’t pulling away from them. This push and pull can feel awkward at times for both parties; staying close enough to feel connected, but distant enough to develop their own independence and identity (Pickhardt, 2013).

Conflict can bring Connection

An argument with a teen can be fueled not only by their own exploration of asserting themselves in their own beliefs, but as a way to feel some sense of connection as they discuss their differences in an argument. This is why it is so important to treat conflicts as a chance to talk to your teen and get to know what they are thinking and why. Creating a safe space to talk about differences needs to be monitored as well. Dr. Pickhardt believes modeling behavior the parents wants the child to learn can be a constructive and safe way to have emotionally charged conversations without minimizing or cutting down the teen out of fear or frustration (2013).

Christian Counseling to Help You Support Your Teen

In this pull for independence, your teen ultimately desires to be supported and for your involvement in some area of their lives. This can change based on their needs that are constantly changing, but you may be more alike than you think. Using these tools to help bridge the gap of communication between parents and their teenagers in counseling has brought about healthier relationships and new understanding in the midst of frustration and conflict in the counseling room. Counseling can be a wonderful resource to help teens explore some of their own frustrations, as well as help parents to feel connected in the process either by their own involvement, or self-discovery the teen is making through counseling. I am passionate about working with parents and their teens work though these difficult seasons to reach a place of understanding and compassion.

References

What you say and how you say something has everything to do with speaking the truth in love. Love relationships that fail to allow for personal transformation and growth are forms of dependency and control. Words that include contempt and sarcasm for the sake of “it’s the truth and they need to hear it straight” do not represent loving behavior.  Speaking the truth to one another gives an opportunity to demonstrate transparency and intimacy. Couples will often rationalize embellishing the truth or telling a ‘white lie’ as a form of sparing assumed feelings. True love would rather wrestle with the realities of an individual’s perception than believe a lie that will not bring clarity.”

Love Shift 4: To love God is to love yourself (Matt. 22:37-40)

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t give what you don’t have. When you give love from a place of deficit, someone will lose. Your concepts of self and love have a direct correlation with accepting love from God and then extending that love outside of you. Your vertical relationship with God has direct implications with your horizontal relationship with others. If your relationship with God is in line, you are more likely to discern the intentions (good or bad) of others. Loving others correctly means meeting people where they are in life. The gift of love happens when there is an interaction that increases your internal growth. When the focus moves from receiving love to giving love, the alignment with God and others gets stronger.

Christian Counseling Can Help You Shift Your Paradigm

The love paradigm shift has its foundation on the character of God. It is not using God as a crutch for distorted thoughts and behaviors. Rather it is trusting that God has loved better and longer than anyone. His divine love demonstrates that it is possible for you to love genuinely while holding an individual accountable for their consequences. This is done in tandem to remaining faithful to your own value system. The shift on how we see love requires a strong reflection and dedication to loving God completely. With each emotional encounter we trust the process of internal growth working to expand our capacity to love. To love God completely allows us to love others correctly. It has been said that “love” has a history. Each individual has an emotional love history that requires unpacking and exploring. The benefits of counseling consist of identifying how your love history influences current relationships. Make a commitment to personal growth and make an appointment with a professional Christian counselor.

 

References
Principles adapted from “Surviving Your Child’s Adolescence: How to Understand, and Even Enjoy the Rocky Road to Independence” by Carl Pickhardt

Photos
office.microsoft.com – “woman thinking,” “teenagers showing friendship by holding hands” and  “woman with her hands on her head and screaming”