Discussing Your Affair With Your Spouse, II: Vital Questions that Need Answers

Part 2 of a 3-Part Series on Discussing Your Affair with Your Spouse

In my previous article, I introduced Dan and Debbie, whose marriage has been tested by Dan’s affair with his co-worker Liza. After learning about her husband’s infidelity, Debbie felt shocked, hurt, angry and frustrated. But she also felt deeply confused—how could this have happened in what always felt like a stable marriage? What had led her husband to deceive her like this? Debbie went through the facts in her mind over and over again: Dan had stopped initiating sex at home about eight months ago. He frequently stayed late at the office, once until nearly eleven at night. He got a second cell phone, supposedly for work-related calls. These facts played over and over in Debbie’s mind. She obsessively wondered how much truth was actually behind these “facts.” After all of the lies, how could she believe what her husband told her?

Debbie’s experience is not unique. As infidelity expert, Shirley Glass writes, “Betrayed partners cannot seem to stop obsessing about the affair until they have all the answers” (138). Inside, they wrestle with incessant questions about the past, hoping to understand how an affair could have unfolded without their knowledge. In the next two articles, I will explore ten essential questions that can help guide couples to a fuller understanding about the circumstances of the affair and the significance of the betrayal. Discussing these questions can help rebuild trust and reconstruct the affair story, allowing both spouses to heal.

How Did You Justify Your Involvement in the Affair?

Understanding how the involved partner permitted his or herself to have the affair is a crucial first step to rebuilding a marriage. These days, affairs usually begin in the context of friendship, and the slide into infidelity can be subtle and unexpected. Knowing how the involved partner justified breaking his or her marriage vows will allow the betrayed partner to understand the thought process that led to the affair. It will also allow the involved partner to understand his or her own vulnerabilities. For example, from his discussions with Debbie, Dan realized that his relationship with Liza began as mentorship between a successful salesman and a new employee. Yet over time, he allowed himself to get too close—Liza confided in Dan about her own troubled marriage, and Dan imagined that he could rescue her from an unhappy relationship. When he shared his thoughts with Debbie, Dan realized that he had allowed himself to fantasize about saving a young woman in distress, and he knew that in the future he needed to set up boundaries with women who aroused his sympathy. As Glass notes, “When involved partners share their feelings on this level, they are letting the betrayed spouse inside their mind and reforging their bond. They not only are discussing what occurred but together they are gaining insight into the underlying dynamics” (209).

Did You Feel Guilty About the Sex?

Glass writes, “Asking about guilt reveals the internalized values of the unfaithful partner” (209). She notes that some people will feel guilt immediately while others never regret their actions at all. Those who do feel remorse over extramarital sex may, or may not, repeat the offense. Knowing whether or not the involved spouse felt any guilt will allow the betrayed spouse to better understand his or her partner’s moral operating system.

Why Did You Keep Going Back When You Knew It Was Wrong?

Illicit relationships have an allure that can sustain an affair for a very long time. People involved in affairs will often try to end them, but find it impossible to effectively break away from the affair partner. But as Glass writes, “Comprehending what started an affair is different from comprehending what kept it going” (210). Not only is it important to understand why your spouse continued the affair, but it is equally crucial to explore how the affair ended. Who ended the affair, when, and why are important factors in the process of recovery. For example, Dan ended his affair with Liza after he had been caught; since the affair ended abruptly, he spent several weeks grieving the loss of his relationship with Liza.

Did I Ever Cross Your Mind When You Were With Your Affair Partner?

According to Glass, “The reality is that the involved spouse probably didn’t consider his or her partner much at all,” (211), when spending time with the affair partner. The betrayed partner tends to think of him or herself at the forefront of the unfaithful partner’s thoughts and actions. But in truth, “If the unfaithful partner had been thinking about the betrayed partner, he or she wouldn’t have gotten so involved in the first place” (210).

When Dan confessed to Debbie that he had become involved with Liza, Debbie’s first response was “How could you do this to me?” Over time, she realized that the affair was not about her – it was about her husband, his vulnerabilities and his mistakes. At first, Debbie found it painful to know that Dan hadn’t been thinking of her at all, but after a while, she understood that this meant it wasn’t about her inadequacies at all.

What Did You Tell Your Affair Partner About Our Relationship?

Glass recommends asking this question because it, “addresses the issues of loyalty to the marriage and the nature of emotional intimacy in the affair” (211). Understandably, the betrayed partner will want to know how much of the marriage was discussed during the affair. Some unfaithful spouses will refrain entirely from talking about their marriage while others may share many marital woes with their affair partner. Sharing what was said and how the marriage was portrayed allows both spouses to openly confront issues in the marriage in a productive way, and it restores the trust that has been violated during the affair.

Seeking Help From a Christian Marriage Counselor

These questions are intended to help start the conversation between an unfaithful spouse and a betrayed spouse. The road to recovery from infidelity is painful and very challenging, but with the help of a Christian marriage counselor, the process can become easier. I would be delighted to talk with you about how one of our many qualified and talented Christian marriage counselors can help your marriage begin to heal. We can tailor our approach to meet the needs of your marriage, and we will facilitate conversation that can help you discover new depths of intimacy with your spouse.

References
Principles from NOT “Just Friends” by Shirley Glass, PhD.

Images
freedigitalphotos.net – Sister and Brother Problems by artur84 and Man comforting a Woman by David Castillo Dominici