Discussing Your Affair with Your Spouse, Part I: Why Partners Should “Share the Story”

Part 1 of a 3-Part Series on Discussing Your Affair with Your Spouse

Debbie and Dan have been married for twelve years, and for the most part, their marriage has been happy. Dan is the top salesman at a local insurance agency, and Debbie works as a freelance interior designer. They have two daughters, ages six and ten. On the surface, their marriage and family life seems perfect. But a few months ago, Dan started pulling away from Debbie. He was suddenly spending longer hours at the office, and he seemed less and less interested in sex. Debbie was suspicious, especially when Dan stopped talking about Liza, a new employee at the office with whom he had formed a fast friendship. For several weeks, Dan had talked so much about Liza – how she loved football as much as he did, how she used to vacation in Dan’s hometown, how they had been assigned to a big sales call together – but lately, he hadn’t mentioned her at all. Last week, the phone rang on Saturday, and when Debbie picked it up, the person on the other end mysteriously hung up.

Debbie had tried talking to Dan about her fears several times. Once, she asked him outright if he was having an affair. Dan had seemed so affronted that she immediately dropped the subject. But after the incident with the phone, Debbie knew something was amiss. A few days later, while visiting one of her clients in a neighborhood across town, she saw Dan and Liza coming out of a restaurant together. They were miles from the agency office—and they were holding hands and laughing.

The Need to Share the Story of the Affair with Your Spouse

When Debbie confronted Dan that evening with the evidence, he at first tried to convince her that she was mistaken – he had been at the office all day. This made Debbie furious, but she remained calm enough to press the issue. After an hour and a half, he admitted to the affair. At first, he said it was, “just a few kisses” here and there, but eventually, he confessed that they had also slept together several times in the past few months. He promised to end the relationship immediately. After a couple of hours of hurtful and unproductive conversation, the two agreed that they would wait a few days to allow themselves to calm down before discussing the affair in any further detail.

In the days, weeks, and months that followed, Dan and Debbie slowly began to unpack the “story” of Dan’s affair. According to infidelity expert Shirley Glass, this is a crucial step toward healing the damage caused by an affair. She writes, “A vital part of trauma recovery is telling the story of what happened… This applies to the trauma of an affair, too. If you don’t know the story of the affair, you may recover but you will not heal—the wounds will always be there” (189). One survey of more than 1,000 betrayed spouses revealed that couples who engage in honest conversation about the affair are far more likely to stay married (192). This step is all about cooperation —“The final story of the affair must be co-constructed by both partners to account for all of the secrets, unanswered questions, and contrasting interpretations and attributions” (191).

The Benefits of Truthfully Discussing the Affair Together

Telling the story of the affair will not be easy for either spouse. It will be painful for the betrayed spouse to hear how the affair unfolded and operated; and as Glass notes, “It can be humiliating [for the involved spouse] to discuss actions now perceived as wrong” (200). So how will telling the story of the affair help you and your partner rebuild intimacy? First, honestly and openly discussing the affair will help the faithful spouse understand the story, which is vital to his or her recovery. To quote Glass, “Telling the story of the affair replaces a fictionalized account with the truth” (193). Because the affair has been fueled by secrecy and lies, the only way to mend the situation is to truthfully explore the story of the affair together. Glass recommends that couples “get out their calendars, discuss the receipts, and review the cell phone calls” (193). Ultimately, discussing the affair story openly together allows the unfaithful spouse to clear up any misconceptions and rebuild the trust that has been violated during the affair. Moreover, discussing the affair offers couples an opportunity to reconstruct marital intimacy, since “it’s hard to be truly close to someone when you’re hiding something of significance from him or her… Sharing the details is an act of positive demolition. The involved spouse dismantles the structure that kept the injured spouse outside in the cold and replaces deceit with hope” (197).

Sharing the story of the affair with Debbie helped Dan to enter fully into the recovery process as well. He was able to see why and how he had let himself become involved with Liza, and realized how much he had jeopardized his marriage. Glass writes: “Involved partners need to tell the story of the affair for their own recovery… Letting the secrets out of the bag helps them detach from the affair partner and dissolve the romantic fantasy” (191-2). In other words, sharing the story of the affair will not only help the betrayed partner recover from the trauma of discovery but will also enable the involved partner to end the illicit relationship and help both partners rediscover intimacy.

Christian Marriage Counseling to Help Start the Conversation

There is no denying that rebuilding a marriage after infidelity is a difficult and painful process. The road to recovery will not be easy and will require unprecedented effort and empathy from both partners if the process is to succeed. In my next two articles, I will be looking at specific questions that can be helpful for couples to discuss as they unpack the story of the affair together. At Seattle Christian Counseling, we have seen many couples reignite their love and rediscover intimacy after infidelity. Our professional and committed counselors are dedicated to helping couples communicate thoughtfully and effectively while sharing the story of the affair with one another. If you and your spouse have decided to rebuild your marriage after an affair, please do not hesitate to contact us to find out how we can help. A Christian marriage counselor can offer you and your spouse therapeutic expertise and Christian insight that will support your marital recovery and allow you to deepen your intimacy and love in the wake of an affair.

References
Principles from NOT “Just Friends” by Shirley Glass, PhD.

Images
freedigitalphotos.net – “Sad Man Sitting On Bed Stock Photo” by David Castillo Dominici and “Boyfriend with Girlfriend Stock Photo” by photostock