Discussing Your Affair With Your Spouse, III: Vital Questions that Need Answers, Continued

Part 3 of a 3-Part Series on Discussing Your Affair with Your Spouse

Infidelity is one of the most devastating forces that can damage a marriage. Upon discovery, most betrayed spouses feel an enormous sense of loss—loss of innocence, loss of trust, and loss of perceived intimacy that had, up to now, formed the heart of the marriage. Meanwhile, the unfaithful spouse feels as though he or she has lost both the marriage and the extramarital relationship. Telling the story of the affair is an important step that all couples must take when rebuilding their marriage after an affair. As infidelity expert Shirley Glass writes, “To cleanse the lying that occurred during the affair and in the early stages of revelation, the involved partner needs to be totally honest” (193).

This article is the third in a series about discussing your affair with your spouse. Throughout the series, we have followed Debbie and Dan, a couple whose marriage has been tested by Dan’s affair with his co-worker Liza. In my previous article, I explored the first five of ten essential questions that every couple should openly explore together when telling the story of the affair. The following five questions, together with the previous article, complete this list.

Question 6: Did You Talk About Love or the Future?

When discussing the affair, both partners must try to grasp what has occurred as truthfully as possible. No matter how hard it may be to talk about this, only complete openness will heal the marriage. Glass advises the involved partner to, “Be honest about whatever romantic declarations or talk of the future did occur. Otherwise, your betrayed partner may fill in the blanks with scenarios that are far more painful than the actual truth” (212).

Meanwhile, the faithful partner must strive to see beyond his or her assumptions about the affair relationship. When Debbie first saw Dan with Liza, her mind began racing through all of the heinous possibilities: what if Dan loved Liza more than her? Had he made any promises to Liza that would threaten their marriage? Debbie could not let go of these fears until she and Dan had openly discussed the conversations he and Liza had shared during their affair. After their conversation, she felt assured that her imagination had been worse than the reality.

Question 7: What Did You See in Your Affair Partner?

Betrayed spouses try to elicit every detail about the affair partner: “Questions about physical appearance, personality, and intellect are attempts to see whether they measure up” to the affair partner. Glass notes that these facts are rarely helpful—an affair is much less about charismatic attraction and more about positive mirroring.

At the same time, it is very important for the betrayed spouse to know what really drew the unfaithful spouse to the affair partner. Betrayed spouses find it easier to imagine that the affair partner is a cunning or manipulative person who seduced their partner into an illicit relationship. They may find it difficult “to accept that the person to whom they’re married took an active role… Involved partners must recount the ways they encouraged the affair and invested energy to keep it going” (212). Ultimately, Glass notes, this will prevent future infidelity: “It is less likely that an infidelity will happen again when the involved partner owns up to having been a full participant” (212).

Question 8: What Did You Like About Yourself in the Affair?

Glass writes, “Instead of focusing on what the affair partner was like, it is more productive to focus on what the unfaithful partner was like in the extramarital relationship” (213). This helps reveal points in the marriage where the unfaithful spouse may feel unfulfilled. It also allows the betrayed spouse an opportunity to understand why the unfaithful spouse got involved in the first place.

Dan had felt intelligent and wise when he was with Liza. They had talked about meaning behind works of literature, music and film, engaging in deeply stimulating conversation. At the start of their marriage, Debbie and Dan had talked about their favorite books and works of art frequently, but since having children, conversation had become more and more mundane. To Dan’s surprise, Debbie was thrilled to hear that he longed to engage serious dialogue—she had missed that part of their relationship, too. Once they had discussed this question, they decided that they would foster deeper conversation at home, both with each other and at the dinner table with their children.

Question 9: Have You Been Unfaithful Before? How Was This Time Different?

It is important to discuss how your partner handled previous opportunities for infidelity, regardless of whether or not they acted on temptation. If you already know that an infidelity did occur in the past, it is important to “ask how this infidelity is different from or the same as the others” (214). It is easy to want to forget the past and move on, but Glass warns that this is a mistake. She writes, “Although you may prefer to move ahead without drudging up all that old, miserable stuff, past affairs that are not dealt with will continue to contaminate your relationship” (214).

Question 10: Did You Use Protection During Sex?

This is an unfortunate but necessary question that unfaithful spouses must answer honestly. When a person is swept up in the heat of the moment, it can be easy to ignore the most basic precautions. Even some methods of birth control may protect against pregnancy, but not necessarily against sexually transmitted diseases. Glass writes, “Few people see their affair partner as a possible source of infection, so they don’t take the necessary precautions to have safe sex” (214). She also advises both partners to get tested for STDs, regardless of what the involved partner says.

Christian Counseling Can Help Start the Dialogue

There are many ways that couples can begin to explore these ten questions together, and they can serve as a framework to help guide your marriage back to commitment and intimacy. Yet even with the help of these questions, many couples find it difficult to foster open, productive, and honest conversation. The emotional stress of an affair will inevitably cause deep hurt to the marriage, and communication may prove difficult.

Christian counseling can help you and your partner begin the healing process, and through the guidance and expertise of a Christian counselor, your marriage may even emerge stronger than before. At Seattle Christian Counseling, our counselors are trained to help couples engage the necessary questions that will enable their relationship to heal. We use proven therapeutic techniques and Biblical counsel to help spouses rebuild marital intimacy after an affair. If you and your spouse want to recover your marriage after infidelity, please do not hesitate to contact me to learn more about our Christian marriage counseling services. I would be delighted to partner with you and your spouse as you recommit yourselves to your marriage and discover new depths of love in your marriage.

Photos
Falling Trust Block by Stuart Miles and Truth by winnond