Domestic Abuse in the Christian Marriage A Christian Counselor’s Perspective, Part II

Part 2 of a 4-Part Domestic Abuse Series

Domestic abuse in Christian marriages is a much bigger problem than most people realize. In my first installment in this four-part series, I cited some startling statistics, explained that non-physical abuse is still abuse and is far more prevalent than physical abuse, provided an extensive list of many different types of domestic abuse, and talked about how domestic abuse differs from normal conflict within a Christian marriage. In this article, I cover common characteristics of abusers, the emotional pain and damage that abuse can cause, and barriers to reporting abuse and getting help.

Who Are the Abusers?

Unless you live with the abuser and are his victim, it can be difficult to spot him.* In fact, he is often extremely charming and may be well-liked by others. He may sit in the third row at church every Sunday, sing in the choir, or serve as an usher. He may even be the pastor. His friends may think he’s an all-around good guy and acquaintances may find him quite pleasant, conversational, and witty. It is not unusual for abused wives to report that the courtship and even early marriage were idyllic, with their man being romantic, attentive, and seemingly caring. But eventually the honeymoon ended and the horror either abruptly erupted or slowly emerged, leaving these wives dazed, confused, and absolutely crushed. Some missed or explained away the early indicators. Victims often frantically try to find ways to change themselves in order to please or appease their husbands and restore their relationships to what they once seemed to be. Some believe that if they pray hard enough or long enough, or if they love enough, the abuse will stop.

If you have been or are being abused, if you suspect someone is abusing, or if abuse has been reported to you by someone, consider these common characteristics of abusers in your assessment of the situation:

• Low self-esteem, high insecurity
• Belief in male supremacy and rigid insistence on stereotypical sex roles in the family
• Blaming others for their actions
• Exceedingly possessive and may accuse their wives of flirting or having affairs
• Disrespect their partners and consider themselves superior
• Controlling and manipulative
• Feel entitled
• Feel justified
• Self-centered
• Have a Jekyll and Hyde personality
• Twist things and turn tables
• Minimize or deny their abusive behavior
• Treat their wives differently at home than they do in public
• Work hard at preserving a good public image
• Have severe responses to stress
• Exaggerate their own contributions to the relationship/family
• Hate it when their wives disagree with them
• Supreme fault-finders when it comes to their partners, everything is her fault
• Assert that their wives are the ones with the problem
• Are the only ones who know the right way to do anything
• See themselves as victims
• Adept at making allies when the spotlight is on the abuse

If any combination of these fit the description, then you are very likely dealing with domestic abuse.

The Impact of Domestic Abuse

The physical impact of severe physical abuse is often more or less obvious – broken bones, burns, cuts, bruises, black eyes, concussions, internal injuries, and death, although milder physical abuse such as grabbing, shoving, or slapping may not leave distinguishable marks. Emotional abuse is often equally or more devastating to the recipient and the damage usually lasts much longer than the wounds of physical violence. In fact, many women who have been physically assaulted in intimate relationships claim that the greater harm resulted from the man’s emotional abuse. Also, physical abuse is usually cyclical with a “honeymoon” period between episodes, and, while emotional abuse can also have long stretches of relative peace between episodes, it is usually much more frequent, and in many cases occurs daily.

Those being physically abused are typically also emotionally abused, and this compounds the damage.

The effects of emotional abuse are numerous. Victims have typically become used to walking on eggshells. They may be chronically defensive, nervous, and may be hypersensitive to criticism. They may doubt themselves and their perceptions to a degree that those who have not been abused cannot understand. They frequently doubt their ability to make good decisions, discern danger, or protect themselves or their children. Abuse can contribute to plaguing feelings of worthlessness, incompetency, and not being able to do anything right. Many people develop substance abuse problems as a means of numbing the pain and coping with the betrayal, hopelessness, and disillusionment. Fear, anger, resentment, unforgiveness, sadness, regret, guilt, and other negative feelings may become problematic. Emotional abuse feels very personal, as it tears down a person and wounds their spirit. Love and hurt become linked. Healing from abuse can take months, years, or may never be completed this side of heaven.

Physical and Psychological Effects of Domestic Abuse

Psychological difficulties such as ongoing anxiety, depression, sleep disturbances, and post-traumatic stress disorder are common among abuse victims and survivors, as are physical health problems. The stress of abuse compromises the immune system, increasing the risks of both minor and serious illnesses. Headaches, stomach aches, and psychosomatic symptoms are common. Children who are exposed to abuse in their homes are also at risk of similar issues, and may also face academic, behavioral, and social problems—even if the abuse was not directed at them.

Abused people often wrestle with shame and may avoid outside friends and their extended family. The ability to be an effective, tuned in, and emotionally available parent usually suffers. Being injured or emotionally rattled often leads to missed work or poor performance, which can result in job stress and unemployment.

Barriers to Telling and Getting Help

First and foremost, many abused wives don’t tell because they are afraid of what their husbands might do to them. They have either been overtly threatened or are immobilized by fear of the unknown and the what-ifs. Even if a man has never grabbed, pushed, kicked, hit, or beaten his wife before, if he has been emotionally abusing her it can become physical at any time. Anyone who has seen “the look” from their abusive partner knows that any caustic situation has an unknown escalation potential.

Female and male abused spouses may be dependent on their partners financially. They may be uncertain how they would survive or support their children if the person they told convinced them to leave, or if their partner became so enraged by the disclosure or its consequences that they chose to leave them.

Victims Fear Not Being Believed

Both female and male abused spouses may fear telling about what is going on in their homes because of the high regard others appear to have for their partners. They may either still want to protect their spouse’s reputation, or fear not being believed. It is not uncommon for clergy, family, and friends to find such reports difficult to fathom because, after all, they know this guy. He’s a good man, a great father, and a solid Christian, right?

Moreover, abuse victims can be very good at hiding the fact that they are suffering—they hold themselves together and appear to be normal to high achievers, functioning well outside of the home, helping others, and seeming cheerful and very put together. But inside it is a whole different story.

Churches and Domestic Abuse

Many churches have an unofficial “hands off” policy when it comes to issues of domestic abuse. This is due to ignorance, disbelief, denial, fear of the legal ramifications, and/or not wanting to participate in the split-up of families or lose members. If an abused wife gathers the courage to seek help within such a church, at best she might be pointed toward individual counseling for herself or perhaps marriage counseling, and at worst she may be advised to go home and work at complaining less, praying more, and being more submissive. In the latter case, the implication is that she is somehow at least partially responsible for her own abuse. Church leaders with little understanding of the dynamics of domestic abuse often apply and propagate the “it takes two” or 50/50 philosophy of relationship difficulties, thus exacerbating the victim’s sense of guilt and confusion, and reinforcing the blame her abuser spews at her regularly.

Christian abuse victims often use the Scriptures and church teachings against themselves, or have had them used against them by their abusing spouse or others. As a result, they tolerate the abuse and enable it to continue. In the back of their minds, they are painfully aware of the Scriptures that endorse turning the other cheek, going the extra mile, keeping no record of wrongs, and enduring all things. They wonder if the Apostle Paul’s instruction to submit to their husbands and obey them in all things extends to the emotional beatings, control, and unreasonable demands they are subjected to. It doesn’t seem logical, but they suspect that God wants and expects them to hang in there long enough for the abuse to miraculously end, no matter how many lives are falling apart in the interim.

Naming Domestic Abuse as a Horrific Sin

In Christian circles, separation and divorce can be regarded as one of the worst sins a person can commit, the most damaging threat to their children’s lives, the hallmark of faithlessness, and an overall epic failure. I propose that domestic abuse is a horrific sin, is a very damaging threat to children’s lives, is faithless, and is an epic failure to love and care for one’s spouse and children. Abuse should never be enabled by allowing it to continue ̶ there is far too much at stake.  While it is true that miracles happen and that effectual fervent prayer is powerful, abusing spouses have free choice and there is no guarantee they will yield, no matter how much prayer goes forth or how persuasive the Spirit is. There almost always must be consequences for chronic abusive behavior in order for the abuser to be motivated to get the help he or she needs. The abuser must come to the solid conclusion that, “I don’t want to be that person anymore!” and the belief system that fuels the abuse must be challenged and changed.

Husbands and wives who abuse their spouses may avoid getting the help they need for a variety of reasons. They may remain completely justified in their own thinking, blaming their partners for provoking them or needing to be “straightened out.” They may want to try to make changes privately, without help or accountability, relying on willpower that eventually taps out.  Pride, together with a profound desire to not have to sacrifice one’s position, status, and positive public image, is also an incredible barrier to getting help, even when the person has come to the realization that he or she desperately needs it.

How Can Christian Counseling Help with Domestic Abuse?

Have you seen yourself or your spouse described in this article? Perhaps you were already painfully aware that you have been abused, but are still suffering. Have you been afraid to tell or found that family, friends, or church leaders have been disbelieving or under-supportive? If you are currently in an abusive relationship or have been in the past, then you need someone in your court who understands the horror of domestic abuse. A Christian counselor can help you to sort out your experiences, provide a safe environment for you to talk about and process what is going on or has happened, and help you develop a plan of action while being sensitive to your spiritual beliefs and personal concerns. I can also offer a referral for excellent professional help for the abusing spouse or partner. I am an abuse survivor and love to work with this population, so if this is you, reach out today. If you would like to know more about how Christian counseling can help you, please contact me here. I am only a phone call away.

*For simplicity, I will most often refer to abusers as “he” and “him,” bearing in mind that women can abuse too. So can minor-aged boys and girls.