Finding Your Voice: A Christian Counselor on Assertiveness, Part 2

Part 2 of 3-Part Finding Your Voice Series

In my previous article, I differentiated assertiveness from aggressive and passive forms of communication. Aggressive people mainly use their rights to dominate and violate others, while passive people give up their rights. Assertive communication allows you to consider your own best interests and to exercise your rights, without violating the rights of others.

Core Characteristics of Assertion

In this article, I delve deeper and explore some of the characteristics are that present in an assertive person. I suggest ways in which you can find your own voice, stand up for yourself, and become more assertive.

Know Thyself

The foundation of assertiveness requires you to know yourself. You must have clarity and understand your identity in order to communicate and advocate for yourself. Basically, you must know what you need and want. This self-awareness involves asking yourself questions such as: How do I define myself? What are my thoughts, feelings, and beliefs? What are my core needs and strengths? Begin to identify your unique desires and needs. Don’t wait for someone to recognize your needs, but use your voice to speak out for what you want. Once you identify those desires and dreams, take responsibility for yourself and actively make progress in order to make those aspirations a reality.

Value Your Identity

You need to treasure yourself, for assertiveness requires you to believe that you are valuable. This means that you consider your thoughts, needs, feelings, talents, and desires as significant. Oftentimes, self-doubt and insecurity cripple us from seeing the value we bring to people and situations. We downplay our gifts and unique strengths. God created you as an original and you are highly valuable. But we diminish ourselves when we copy others and comparison kills assertiveness. Trying to be someone you are not will ultimately end in failure and frustration. Part of assertiveness is embracing your own God-given identity and uniqueness. It means being your true self and not trying to be anyone else.

Stand Up for Your Personal Rights

Assertive people value their own rights and realize that they deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. Moreover, they also treat others with the same value and honor. They advocate for their rights in a way that respects both their own dignity and that of those around them. When you respect yourself, others will in turn respect you.

Maintain Good Boundaries

Assertiveness requires the regular practice of implementing boundaries. Our boundary fences help keep the “bad” out but allow the “good” in. Assertive people know where their personal “property lines” begin and end. They have a clear picture of “this is me and that is you.” Those who have healthy boundaries take ownership of themselves, refrain from seeking to control others, and do not take on other people’s responsibilities. People with low self-esteem tend to have poor boundaries because they believe they are worthless and deserve to be treated poorly. They see themselves as less important than anyone else. But when you believe that you are valuable, you will do a better job of protecting yourself, for you believe that you have worth just like everyone else. Maintaining good boundaries is about identifying your own limits and taking into account your best interests. For example, at what point would you feel taken advantage of or violated? Saying no is a great way to establish limits — but that will require you to abandon approval addiction.

Forget People Pleasing

To be assertive means that you must lay aside your people pleasing instinct and the hope of gaining other people’s approval. This is especially difficult for passive people who just want to appease others and avoid conflict. You need to be prepared for the reaction of some people who will not be supportive of your assertive personal growth. Unsupportive people may be upset because change is difficult to accept, they may lose out on the benefits of your people-pleasing nature, or they may fear losing their relationship with you. Too often we sacrifice ourselves in order “make people happy” — and in exchange we are miserable. Swallowing your voice and allowing others to walk over you is not the answer. There comes a point when you must decide that giving up who you are in order to pacify people is too valuable a sacrifice. Many people are uncomfortable with saying no for fear they will hurt or disappoint others. But assertive people realize that their true friends will respect their choices. They also know that they can never please everyone or be everything to everyone all the time.

Christian Counseling Can Empower You to Become More Assertive

As a Christian counselor, I would love to help you embark on the journey of becoming assertive. Self-loathing and shame do not have to hold you back. Fear of man and feeling controlled by people’s opinions and approval do not have to rule your life anymore. Christian counseling offers a context in which we can work together to discover your God-given and unique identity so you can come to know the truth of how God sees you and learn to value yourself. Let’s work together to defeat the lies, pain and limitations that hold you back from your destiny.

References
Bonham-Carter, D. (2013). Assertiveness: A Practical Guide. London: Icon Books Ltd.
Potts, C. & S. (2013). Assertiveness: How to be Strong in Every Situation. New York: MJF Books.

Photos
“Proactive and Reactive Keys,” courtesy of Stuart Miles, Image ID: 10095113, published 05 August 2012, FreeDigitalPhotos.net
“Timid Bold Keys Show Shy Or Outspoken,” courtesy of Stuart Miles, Image ID: 100240970, published 02 March 2014, FreeDigitalPhotos.net