Finding Your Voice: A Christian Counselor on Assertiveness, Part 3

Part 3 of a 3-Part Finding Your Voice Series

In my previous article, I looked at some of the core characteristics of an assertive person, such as knowing your identity and learning to value and appreciate yourself. Assertive people respect themselves by advocating for their personal rights and maintaining good boundaries. They have learned to break the unhealthy cycle of approval addiction so that they can be free to make choices in keeping with their belief system. In this article, I continue this discussion and dig deeper into the anatomy of assertion.

Assertiveness Means Being Authentic

Assertiveness is about being your genuine self. What you see is what you get. There is no hiding or pretending to be someone you are not. Being assertive means not shying away from saying that you disagree. Authenticity is about letting yourself be known and seen, revealing both the finished and unfinished parts of yourself. Assertive people walk out their true selves and live a life congruent with their belief system. Being authentic involves sharing your thoughts, feelings, desires, and dreams. It may involve a respectful confrontation as you stand up for yourself. Or it may mean that you allow yourself to be transparent about a painful area or struggle in your life. Assertiveness does not mean being perfect, but being brave enough to be real. It’s ok to be angry and to express negative emotions, but make sure that you have an honoring spirit towards others and do not infringe their rights.

Learning to Express Yourself

Passive people often confuse non-assertive behavior with being polite or helpful. Yet are you really being helpful when you pretend or lie for the sake of politeness, while deep down inside feeling resentful? Sooner or later the negative feelings you have repressed will bubble out. Obviously, the right to expression does not give a person license to say whatever he or she wants all the time. This is where discernment skills come into play and where you weigh the appropriateness and the fruitfulness of your comments. You need to use your voice to be honest and straightforward, but in a respectful manner. Learning to express yourself is about walking out the truth in love. Assertive skills help you to express yourself in every type of setting and relationship, ranging from your marriage, through your friendships, and to the workplace. Speaking up allows you to define yourself more clearly to those around you. This may involve stating your opinion, accepting a compliment or affirmation, or putting up a boundary against criticism. Expressing yourself can also be achieved through nonverbal means, such as writing, dance, art, sports, and music.

Caring for Self vs. Selfishness

Many people confuse assertiveness with selfishness. Being assertive is not a license to be selfish, but rather about being committed to being fully alive and present. It’s about stewarding yourself to become a whole and healthy person. This involves caring for yourself so that you can be your best self for others. Sometimes the best way to take care of yourself is to tell your friend that she hurt you, to tell your boss the workload is too much, or to allow yourself to enjoy a favorite activity. Assertively caring for yourself may mean finally enrolling at a university to pursue your dream career. Assertive skills help us to manage our time and weed out stress in our lives. These skills cultivate happiness and balance, which indicates that you value yourself enough to care for it. Unlike aggressive people, assertive people acknowledge and listen to other people’s needs and do not selfishly use their rights to bulldoze others.

Taking Responsibility for Yourself

Assertive people take ownership of themselves. This means accepting responsibility for your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. It may involve humbling yourself, admitting you made a mistake, and taking appropriate action by apologizing. Assertive people refrain from blaming others for their faults and do not avoid their obligations. Taking ownership of yourself means that you have clear boundaries, and can distinguish your personal property lines from those of your neighbor. In other words, assertive people do not take responsibility for other people’s problems. If you are working harder than someone else, something is off balance. Your act of “helping” may be enabling bad behavior to continue to grow. Remember that you can only control yourself. As Christians, we are called to help those with burdens, but not take on their full personal load as our own, for they themselves are called to steward this.

Assertive People are Team Players

Assertiveness involves respecting others’ rights and being empathic and fair. Being a team player means remaining flexible but continuing to honor your value system. Assertiveness is not seeing yourself as superior but as equal with others. You listen to other people’s points of view, whether they agree with you or not. The self-assured person is not threatened by differences in opinion and is motivated to understand their opponent rather than dismiss them. They often seek to find common ground and a win-win outcome. Assertive people have a team mentality and this may mean that they delegate tasks, for they are not afraid of affirming others’ strengths and gifts. Instead, they empower others to speak honestly and desire those around them to be successful.

Assertive People are Go-Getters

Assertive people are self-starters. They do not sit passively on the sidelines, but are achievers and go after what they want. They are good problem solvers and quickly find solutions. They take ownership of their own needs and are able to accomplish their goals because they believe in themselves.

Assertiveness Means Being Self-Controlled and Self-Assured

Assertive people maintain self-control because they know how to self-soothe themselves. If they are feeling stressed, they know what measures to take in order to care for themselves and regain balance. They are not threatened by bullying or victimization because they are aware of their own personal power and strengths.

Christian Counseling Can Empower You to Become More Assertive

Do you need to regain ownership of your life and become more accountable to yourself? Are you passively living life, pretending to be someone you are not? If you want to grow in assertion, I would love to help and support you. In Christian counseling, we can look at what it means for you to embrace your genuine self and learn how you can best care for yourself. Working with a trained Christian counselor can give you the space to let yourself dream again and to explore how you can actively pursue your desires. We can work on cultivating confidence and peace in your life so you can let go of insecurity and resentment and find your own inner voice.

Previous articles in this series:  Part 1 and Part 2.

References
Bonham-Carter, D. (2013). Assertiveness: A Practical Guide. London: Icon Books Ltd.
Potts, C. & S. (2013). Assertiveness: How to be Strong in Every Situation. New York: MJF Books.

Photos
“Conversing,” courtesy of Didriks, Flickr CreativeCommons (CC BY 2.0); “Young Man with Megaphone,” courtesy of stockimages, published 28 April 2012, FreeDigitalPhotos.net, Image ID: 10081310; “Conversation,” courtesy of Jason Ippolito, Flickr CreativeCommons (CC BY 2.0)