Finding Your Voice: A Christian Counselor on Assertiveness, Part 1

Do you consider yourself to be assertive? What picture comes to mind when you think of an assertive person? Many people come to my counseling office wanting to become more confident but are confused over what assertiveness truly means. People wonder is it okay to be assertive. Aren’t we supposed to be kind and humble? Isn’t being assertive selfish or rude? Does being assertive hurt people’s feelings? Does it mean getting your way all the time? Other obstacles to understanding assertiveness may include ineffective communication habits due to poor modeling. Maybe you grew up in a home that taught you to avoid conflict and keep quiet. Perhaps you learned that the only way to survive in the world is to exert your strength over others to make sure you win. Other roadblocks to assertiveness may be feelings of pain, unworthiness, fear, or stress, or a lack of clarity about societal roles.

This article is the first in a three-part series on finding your own voice. To gain a clearer picture of assertiveness, I will first define what assertiveness is not, by explaining passive and aggressive styles of communication and behavior.

Passive Communication: Go With the Flow, Remain Unseen, Keep Quiet

Passive people ignore and dismiss their own rights and allow others to disregard them. They do not express their needs, feeling, or thoughts. And, if they do speak up, they are often indirect, timid, apologetic, or self-effacing. They comply with people’s demands to the point where their personal boundaries are infringed upon. In other words, passive people allow others to control them. They end up saying yes to tasks they do not wish to do in order not to create “waves.” This is because they are motivated by people pleasing and avoiding conflict. They are afraid to say no and are self-denying. Passive people believe they are inferior, and elevate other people’s rights far above their own. They have negative beliefs about themselves and suffer from low self-worth. Feelings of being unvalued and used lead to depression, bitterness, and anger. Fear of rejection, anxiety, and unworthiness fuel this behavior.

Passivity may seem effective in the short term. For example, your friend may be upset with you because you cannot afford to go on vacation with her. To solve the problem, you appease your friend by going into debt so you can go on the vacation. Seeing that your friend is now happy, your anxiety lessens because the friendship is “secure” once again. But this feeling of relief is momentary because in the long term you are setting yourself up to be controlled by the emotions of others. Passive communication is not without an emotional toll: feelings of anxiety, dependency, resentment, fear, victimization, and depression prevail. Are you ready to let go of appeasing others, avoiding conflict, and fearing rejection? Are you tired of being ignored or disregarded?

Aggressive Communication: The World is a Hostile Place and I Must Win!

Assertiveness is often confused with aggression. Aggressive people exert their rights at the expense of others. In other words, they violate others’ rights in order to promote their own rights. They criticize others to boost their own self-image. Aggressive people can be demanding, hostile, insensitive, and patronizing. They use intimidation and manipulation to get what they want. They believe their opinions are more important than those of others and tend to come across as self-righteousness and superior. Instead of admitting their mistakes, they may blame or attack someone else. An aggressive person is inclined to talk over someone, rush people, order others about, and ignore people’s feelings. Aggressive people tend to raise their voices and stare people down. People who are on the receiving end of aggression may feel blamed, or believe that they deserved such treatment. Since aggressive people do not know how to calm themselves, they try to control others instead.

Do you seem to lose friendships? Do you anger or frighten people? You may feel as if you are gaining power, strength, and control, and releasing steam through aggressive communication. Yet aggressive people often feel out control emotionally because of unresolved pain in their past. Aggressive communication brings feelings of isolation, fear, guilt, defensiveness, and anger.

Assertive Communication: I Respect My Rights and the Rights of Others

Assertiveness is basically an interpersonal skill that involves taking responsibility for yourself, standing up for yourself in such a way that does not violate the rights of others, and communicating directly, honestly, and respectfully. Assertive people are good listeners, problem solvers, and team players. Reasonableness and respect are key here. Assertive people use discernment, asking themselves if it is appropriate or reasonable for them to assert themselves in a given situation? They respect themselves and others, valuing both their own rights and the rights of others, including the right to expression, the right to say no, and the right to make decisions. They have the courage to articulate their own feelings, thoughts, and desires — even in the face of opposition or difficult situations. Assertive people are open and direct and at the same time seek to understand and engage others, giving others the opportunity to be heard. They take responsibility for their own behavior and take ownership of their mistakes. These people tend to be more calm and self-assured. They pursue their dreams and challenge themselves.

There are many benefits to assertive communication. Assertive people tend to feel happier and more confident and have a deeper sense of personal value. They experience more peace and possess a greater self-awareness. Since they know what they want, they have greater ability to achieve their goals. Assertive people also have thriving authentic relationships because they are open, truthful, and respectful.

Christian Counseling Can Empower You to Become More Assertive

If you want to walk in confidence and boldness, I would love to support you. In Christian counseling, we can look at your current patterns of communication and at your personal roadblocks. Through this process, we are able to unlock your true potential and strengths so that you are able to live the empowered life God has planned for you. If you would like to find out more about how Christian counseling can help you to become more assertive, please feel free to reach out to me here.

References
Bonham-Carter, D. (2013). Assertiveness: A Practical Guide. London: Icon Books Ltd.
Potts, C. & S. (2013). Assertiveness: How to be Strong in Every Situation. New York: MJF Books.

Photos
“Chase Jarvis and fiercekitty,” courtesy of kris krug, Flickr CreativeCommons (CC BY-SA 2.0); “Fight” cropped slightly, courtesy of Andrew Rennie, Flickr CreativeCommons (CC BY-SA 2.0)