How Do I Talk to My Kids About Counseling?

Are you unsure what to say to your kids about counseling? Maybe you or someone in the family has started seeing a therapist, and your kids are wondering where they’re going and why.

First of all, remember, that kids are naturally curious. They aren’t being nosey. They simply want to know things. Something like talking to a counselor, especially if it’s new, can pique kids’ curiosity and make them wonder what it’s all about.

When they ask, or even if you just want to tell them, you need to be prepared. Knowing what to say, how to say it, and when can help you and your kids.

Before you can decide on any of this, you need to answer an important question.

Should I talk to my kids about counseling?

The first and perhaps most important answer is yes. You should talk to your kids about counseling. But maybe not in the way you’re thinking.

Having conversations with your kids about counseling is a key to removing the stigma associated with seeking help for mental health. This isn’t about your counseling or that of someone in the family. This is about having general conversations about mental well-being and the tools to help people maintain that.

Using terms about feelings and mental health regularly is a great way to start making these topics a natural part of their life. It helps them understand that they are not taboo and they don’t need to be hidden. Just like you talk about growing strong by drinking milk or keeping their minds sharp by getting enough sleep, you can talk about feelings and mental health. These are things that are part of their growth and overall well-being, as well as your own.

Counseling is a tool that is used to help people the same way a doctor would if you had a sore arm. You can tell them more about what counseling is to help them understand and feel comfortable with the concept.

As for talking to your kids about your counseling or that of someone else, the answer is a little more complex.

Things to consider.

The most important thing to consider is your child’s age. The things you explain to a three-year-old are very different from those you explain to a thirteen-year-old. As you read through this, think about your child’s age and maturity level. That will be an important guide along the way.

One of the most foundational elements of counseling is that people feel safe talking about anything. Often, people need to share deeply personal things, and they wouldn’t want anyone else to know. Sometimes people don’t even want others to know they go to counseling. That is why you must consider the person’s privacy.

If you are the one going to counseling you have every right to keep that private. If someone in your family or someone you know is going to counseling, they have that same right. Before you share anything with your kids about a person’s counseling experience, you need to ask yourself or that person if they want anyone to know about it.

While it is great when we can share openly about these things and continue the work of removing the stigmas sometimes associated with mental health, it is a personal decision. The person going to counseling should have the right to decide who knows about it.

Start by asking yourself if you are comfortable with your child knowing that you go to counseling. If it is someone else, ask him or her if he or she is comfortable with your child knowing. This is the most important thing you can do in this process.

If you don’t want them to know.

If you are not comfortable sharing, that is the final answer unless you say otherwise. You do not need to ask the other person again. Simply respect his or her answer and don’t tell your kids. In a situation like this, you can simply tell your kids, “That’s something I’d like to keep private. Thanks for understanding.” If questions persist, remain steadfast in your answer.

You may want to think about why you don’t want your kids to know. Ask yourself these questions:

• Am I embarrassed?
• Do I feel ashamed?
• Is this about protecting someone’s privacy?

No matter what the answers are, you have every right to keep this private. These questions will just help you understand why you are choosing this.

If you are comfortable with telling them.

If you are comfortable sharing that you go to counseling, you need to decide what to say, how to say it, and when to say it. This is when your child’s age comes into play. You can decide what is appropriate for your child, but here are some ideas to help.

For kids under 5.

Don’t assume your child is too young to understand. They likely already know about feelings and doctors. Explaining counseling to them is just combining these ideas. Here are some ideas for things you can tell them:

• Counselors are people that help us with our feelings the way doctors help us when we have a tummy ache.
• Remember when you felt _____ and had a hard day? I was there to help you. Counselors are there to help in that way, too.
• Things are busy and I really needed someone to help me, so I go to the counselor for help.

These are all simple ways you can explain your counseling to young kids. The important thing to remember is that you don’t need to give your child a lot of information. This should be a simple statement you offer and then move on with your day.

For kids ages 5-12.

In this stage, kids have more understanding and often think more deeply about the idea of you going to counseling. Your child is likely wondering where you are going or why. Some ideas for what to say include those above while going a bit deeper.

• I am going to counseling because I wanted to talk to someone who can help me with my feelings.
• Counselors are really helpful, especially when things feel confusing or hard. I’m really glad I’m going. It helps.
• I have some things that I can’t seem to figure out on my own. I’m going to counseling so I can understand my thoughts and see how to handle them well.
• We both know ______ has felt different lately. I am going to a counselor to help me with that change.

If they are curious and follow up asking for specifics it’s important that you not overshare. You can be honest about needing help without overburdening your child with your struggles.

For kids ages 13 and up.

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Many kids at this stage already have an awareness of what counseling is. And they sometimes have already formed their own ideas about it. When you talk to teens about your counseling, consider how much you want to tell them as well as how what you tell them shapes their ideas. Here are some suggestions:

• Yes, I started going to counseling because I need help figuring some things out. Sometimes I can’t quite sort through all I am feeling on my own and this helps.
• Counseling has been really helpful for me. I am finding that I am less irritable and impatient. And that’s good for all of us!
• This is new for me. I’ve never done anything like this, but I’m willing to try it so I feel better.

It can be helpful to follow your teen’s lead with how much to share. They don’t want to be lectured. If they ask questions, answer what you are comfortable with, again being careful not to overshare.

Final thoughts about counseling for children.

No matter how you approach conversations with your kids about your therapy, do your best to make it a positive conversation. Be honest and share age-appropriate information with which you are comfortable.

If you’re struggling with what to tell your kids about your counseling, we can help. Bring this up with your counselor so you have a plan for how to talk about this with your kids in a way you are comfortable.