Steps for Leaving a Toxic Relationship

A toxic relationship can be a dangerous situation. You can experience physical, emotional, and mental trauma during the length of the relationship. Both men and women can find themselves in unhealthy relationships, and not all of these relationships are between a husband and wife. Parent and adult children, siblings, and friend relationships can also display these same negative behaviors.

Leaving a toxic relationship requires a plan, especially if you are legally married or there are children involved. If you are involved in a physically abusive relationship, seek help immediately.

Common Factors in Toxic Relationships

Most toxic relationships share common factors and behaviors:

• The abuser plays the blame game, making themselves the victim.
• The abuser tells other people you are crazy and lies about you to make you look bad
• The abuser lies about you to gain sympathy from others
• The abuser is controlling and jealous, often accusing you of things they would do
• The abuser verbally demeans you, makes backhanded compliments, or insults you
• The abuser leaves you feeling worthless and unloved
• The abuser uses tactics like gaslighting or the silent treatment to control you
• The abuser physically, sexually, emotionally, or financially abuses you

The problem lies with the abuser. Relationships are built on trust, security, honesty, and safety. It is time to leave if you do not feel safe with someone or feel anxious and fearful about their reactions to minor disagreements.

Steps for Leaving a Toxic Relationship

The first step to leaving a toxic relationship is to acknowledge that the relationship is unhealthy. Perhaps you have seen the red flags but think you can work through them. In some situations, a relationship can be saved by counseling, learning communication skills, and conflict resolution.

However, as is often the case, the abuser does not intend to change, as they may not believe that they are in the wrong. People who abuse others tend to struggle with their own issues and lash out at others. They take their fear, worries, anger, and their own experience with abuse and hurt other people.

Acknowledge that you were created to thrive. You were not meant to constantly walk on eggshells around someone or feel on edge. Likewise, you are not meant to be sad or upset every time you talk to them. There are steps you can take as you plan to end the relationship.

Create a plan to leave

Leaving a toxic relationship is typically not a spur-of-the-moment decision. Many people struggle with leaving their abuser. They may stay for many reasons:

• They still hold an emotional attachment
• They are not sure if it really is abuse
• They feel shame or guilt for the relationship ending
• They have lost their self-esteem during the relationship
• They do not have any money or an income-producing job
• They are fearful of their abuser
• They are worried they are placing their children in the middle
• They are afraid they may lose custody of their children
• They hate the idea of starting over, especially after a decades-long relationship
• They have no place to go

If you are in a similar situation, you may have several reasons for staying in the relationship. Ultimately, though, your own health must be a priority. Since leaving a toxic relationship can be dangerous, you need to work out the details. Figure out where you will stay, what you need to bring with you, and who you can lean on during this time.

Do you have a friend or family member you can stay with until you get back on your feet? Can you save some money to help during the transition? Find people you can confide in who will help you. You may have never told anyone about the abuse. Now is not the time to keep quiet. Verbal, mental, emotional, and financial abuse is just as damaging as other forms of abuse.

Seek law enforcement help if you feel afraid or think your abuser will retaliate.

Kick codependency to the curb

To make a fresh start after leaving a toxic relationship, you need independence. This can be challenging if you have relied on someone else to pay bills or if your abuser made you feel worthless or ignorant. You may not think you have what it takes to survive on your own, let alone thrive. You may feel scared about your children’s future.

Contrary to the words of your abuser, God created you in His likeness and image. He is neither worthless nor ignorant, and neither are you. You may need to brainstorm ways to generate income and find a home. You may need to temporarily rely on public assistance while searching for a better-paying job, receiving training, or working toward a degree. It is possible, and God is with you all the way.

Learn how to budget, control income and expenses, and start saving and investing. You may want to research financial plans to pay off debt, create savings and investments, and generate passive income. The point is to take the reins in your finances and meet your needs. If you need help, find a financial planner for ideas.

Seek help from professionals

Don’t try leaving a toxic relationship without professional help. This can look different for each circumstance. For example, a married mother leaving her physically and mentally abusive husband may seek assistance from law enforcement for a restraining order and file for full custody.

She may turn to a family law attorney for divorce papers, child custody, and support advice. She may also need a counselor to overcome the trauma endured from years of abuse as she rebuilds her life.

Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. Sometimes, our closest friends and family can give us well-meaning, albeit incorrect, advice. Professional help is available for that reason. Often, you can find free consultations and assessments or income-based help to get started.

Build a support system

After you leave a toxic relationship, you need to surround yourself with people who see your true value. This means leaning into close friends and family, joining support groups and a church, and seeking independence.

You may feel you have lost all of your friends and family if your abuser used isolation as a tactic for control. Now is the time to reach out to these people and explain that you have left this person and would like their support. Most people recognize isolation as a control tactic and will be willing to rekindle your friendship.

When choosing a support system, choose people who love you and want what is best for you, including telling you the truth. Honesty can hurt, and emotions can confuse the mind when it comes to reconciliation with an abuser. Ask your support system to help you stay strong.

Stop all contact with the other person

Some suggest that a person will reconcile with their abuser an average of five to seven times before ending the relationship permanently. If this has happened to you, you may find that your support system worries that you will take the abuser back again. Instead, you need to cut ties.

You can unfollow/unfriend your abuser online and block their calls and messages. If you share children, this can be trickier. Make it clear that you will only discuss the children and prefer to do so over email or text. This gives you an account of any written communication. In some situations, you can use a mediator to handle communications, child visits, and custody transfers.

Rediscover yourself

A toxic relationship is emotionally draining. You may develop depression, anxiety, or Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Start focusing on your own needs. What do you need most to transform your physical, mental, and emotional health? Maybe you need to prioritize sleep, exercise, a healthy diet, or more quiet time. Perhaps you need to spend more time in the company of people who make you laugh and feel at home.

Rediscover your favorite hobbies or try something new. Now is the time to find that happiness. If you struggle with finding the motivation for activities you once enjoyed, counseling could help. You may need assistance in processing painful emotions before you can move forward.

Local Counseling Help is Available

You need a support system and professional guidance when leaving a toxic relationship. Toxic relationships cause deep wounds; you may have physical, mental, and emotional trauma. Christian counseling can help by combining psychotherapy and evidence-based methods with faith-based principles. Please contact our offices today to schedule an appointment with a therapist in our practice. They will help you heal and find new strength.