The 3-Step Process of Rebuking and Reconciling

References Intimate Allies by Dan B. Allender and Tremper Longman III

Sometimes your spouse does things that annoy you. But sometimes they do things that are wrong. While you should just bite your tongue and tolerate the former, the latter may call for a loving rebuke. It’s easy to blow up at your spouse and punish them with your hurt and frustration. But that is not how God commands that we deal with those who have wronged us.

1. Humble Yourself

Almost all Christians are familiar with the passage in Matthew 7 that commands you remove  the log from your own eye before drawing attention to the speck in someone else’s. Many Christians interpret this as a prohibition against rebuking others for their sin. It’s not. It is a reminder that we ought not to pridefully humiliate others over their sin as if we are blameless.

“There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands; there is no one who seeks God. All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one.” (Rom. 3:10-12 NIV) Using your spouse’s sin to boost your own pride is unloving and unproductive. Your spouse will never be inclined to consider how they may have erred if you beat them over the head with arrogant criticism. Remember, how you confront them will set the tone for how they confront you.

2. Rebuke Their Fault

In Paul’s second letter to Timothy, he gives this charge, “Preach the word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction.” (2 Tim. 4:2 NIV) Believers are expected to confront other believers when they fall into sin. Like somebody who stumbles into quicksand, it is unlikely they will pull themselves out unaided. People need someone to grab their hand when trouble sucks them down. However, as stumbling believers have been known to slap away the hand of help, so take care how you approach them.

As the authors remind the reader, “we are uncovering something ugly.” Your goal is to point them toward how they have gone wrong, not to ridicule or hurt. Steer clear of emotionally-charged words or lengthy sermons on their behavior–

• Say what they did that was wrong.
• Say why you think it was wrong.
• Say it in as few words as possible.

Before confronting them, take a few minutes to write out your thoughts. It will help you clarify what you want to say and help you practice saying it. If you want to bring your “script” with you, go ahead. It will help make sure you stay on topic and say everything you need to.

3. Restore the Relationship

Above all, remember that transgressions are part of marriage. To paraphrase Christian musician Derek Webb, “I’m a wreck of a person, and you’re a wreck of a person, and we’re going to try to make this work.” It’s only natural that you’ll both err from time to time. But that doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed from the start. Sin will only destroy your marriage is if you stop fighting it individually and confronting it in one another.

“People are under a false impression that many faults or sins can only destroy a marriage. And they can, unless we adopt a forgiving attitude that stems from the recognition that my faults are greater than my spouse’s…Forgiveness enhances love. If my wife can live with me in spite of my faults, she must really care about me!” (332-333)

How Christian Counseling Can Help Broken Marriages

If you and your spouse struggle to confront and forgive one another, contact a professional Christian marriage counselor. Talking to one another about sin is difficult. It often leads to arguments, accusations, and hurt feelings. A Christian marriage counselor’s office is a neutral place for you both to discuss problems in your marriage, and how you can approach them in a more productive and Godly way. They can help you and your mate better support one another as you pursue your marriage and the Lord.

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