The Hidden Grief of Miscarriage

It is a common misconception that losing a child in the womb is one of the easier instances of grief to process. It is difficult to lose a parent, give up a dream, or begin anew once you’ve been handed divorce papers from the person you thought you’d grow old with.

There is a unique pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child that never comes. – David Platt

The truth is, that any form of grief can feel debilitating to the person experiencing it. When left to fester, pushed aside, and without continued support, it can make you feel breathless, hopeless, and bitterly alone. Miscarriage can be a tricky form of torture. It can be difficult to navigate. It is okay to ask for help to aid you in this journey.

Maybe you’ve lost a baby in the early phases of pregnancy when no one else knew yet. Perhaps you are in the phase of life where people continue to ask you when you’re finally going to try for a baby, making it feel so painful to keep your loss inside.

Maybe you’ve lost a baby later in pregnancy when things were feeling so real. Perhaps clothes were purchased, and you were in the process of preparing a nursery to house your precious sleeping baby. Maybe your miscarriage was traumatic, and events unfolded that have left you in emotional and physical agony.

Maybe your miscarriage felt like the end of a genuine smile because now life feels like a series of should-haves instead of a hope-filled future. Maybe it feels like everyone moved on quickly while you are still overshadowed by sadness and pits of despair.

One thing is certain – your pain matters. Your baby mattered. Your story matters.

Things to consider when grieving a miscarriage

As you navigate your grief journey or try to aid someone else in theirs, here are a few things to consider:

Sadness should not be avoided Being sad is not a sin; it’s a genuine emotion. While it can be easy to feel like a bad person for experiencing sadness, we must allow ourselves to embrace the natural emotions that unfold.

While it is difficult to allow yourself time to cry and grieve for the baby that left this world too soon, it can be more difficult to try to hold those feelings in and push them aside. They will find a way out eventually. Permit yourself to let your spouse hold you. Permit yourself to take a day to rest and just feel all the emotions. Allow others to bring you a meal as you heal.

Solomon reminds us that there is a time for everything:

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance. – Ecclesiastes 3:1-4, NIV

The emotional turmoil will not last forever. You will begin to see the sunshine again. It’s okay to say your baby’s name; they will be part of your heart and life story forever. If you know someone experiencing a miscarriage, do not force a timeline on their grief. Love them. Serve them. Be there for them.

Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go. – Jamie Anderson

Don’t avoid being straightforward

People often think that avoiding questions about people’s grief is a better way to help them cope than being forthright. The truth is, when someone is in the thick of their grief, it’s an all-consuming thought process. People often think back to what they wish they’d done differently, what they would do if things hadn’t changed, and often replay the events that transpired. It’s better to speak about it than pretend it didn’t happen.

If you know someone grieving, ask them how they are doing. Ask what they need. Ask them how they are healing. Tell them they inspire you. Tell them they matter.

If you are experiencing grief, do not be afraid to tell your spouse you are still struggling with the loss. Do not be afraid to tell your doctor that you keep wondering if you could’ve done something differently. They can help you work through your thought process and know that it was not your fault that this tragedy happened. If you are having a difficult day, do not be afraid to schedule a counseling session or ask for help making dinner or cleaning the house.

It’s okay to miss them

There is often lingering guilt for missing the babies that left this world too soon. It’s okay to miss them. It’s okay to miss being pregnant. It’s okay if you are not sure when you will try again. Take things one step at a time and know that you do not have to know the answers to all the questions today or tomorrow.

Find the sunlight and be the sunlight

Grief is a difficult thing to work through, but it will not feel this debilitating forever. Take your grief journey one step at a time. When you are having a good day, soak in every ounce of the sunshine that soaks through to your soul. On difficult days, allow yourself to process, feel, cry, pray, and ask for help. Turn up the worship tunes and let Jesus bring light to those ailing parts of your heart.

As you further process your grief, let your baby’s legacy be one of aiding others in their grief journey. Perhaps it will give you a different perspective and allow you to hold the hands of other grieving mothers. Perhaps it will give you the chance to see grief (in general) in a whole new way and to bring sunshine to those around you in whatever they are facing.

Grief is the price we pay for love. – Queen Elizabeth

Everyone experiences grief in different ways, so the biggest thing we can all do is commit to spreading kindness, offering a helping hand, and checking on our people every chance we get.

Scriptures for the grieving

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. – Hebrews 11:1, NIV

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. – Psalm 34:18, NIV

He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. – Psalm 40:2, NIV

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. – John 16:33, NIV

Finding support after a miscarriage

Cry out to Jesus. Literally. Make a playlist of Christian songs that speak to the broken parts of your heart. You can be real with Jesus; He wants to walk alongside you in every step of your journey. He wants to hold your hand and sit with you in your seasons of grief.

If you are experiencing a season of grief, want to help someone in their grief journey, or have years of lingering grief, today is the day to accept your heart’s invitation to feel, grieve, and process. Call our office today and take strides to processing your pain and remembering your loss, while looking ahead to the hope-filled future God has for you.