Understanding Self-Mutilation (Part 2): How Can I Help My Teen to Stop Self-Harming Behavior?

If you read Part 1 of this series, you already have a basic understanding of self-mutilation, its risk factors, and its warning signs. You might be wondering what to do with that information to help the teen in your life. The most powerful tool that you possess to support someone who self-harms is your relationship with him or her. As you seek to maximize the power of that relationship, consider the following four principles for responding to self-harming behavior:

1. Listen. Remember that self-harm is a way of expressing pain that the injurer may not know how to express in another way. By listening in a manner that displays curiosity and patience, you give your teen a safe space to explore the feelings and meaning tied to his or her behavior. When listening, be careful not to assume that you know the motivation for your teen’s self-harming behavior. Asking open-ended questions, such as “How do you feel when you self-harm?” is one way to show your teen that you are interested in his or her personal experiences.

2. Be honest about your own feelings. When you share your own feelings with your teen, you help him or her in two ways. First, you set an example for how to express emotions in a healthy way. Second, you communicate that you are a safe person with whom to discuss feelings. Eventually, your teen may begin to understand how to express his or her feelings in words, and possibly feel more comfortable sharing those feelings with you when he or she is ready.

3. Have a confidant of your own with whom you share your feelings. Even though it is important to model for your teen how to be honest with emotions, it is also critical that you have at least one confidant with whom you can process your feelings, outside of your relationship with your teen. Significant levels of pain, confusion, fear, and guilt can arise in parents when they discover that their teens are self-injuring. You need a support system that your teen will not be able to provide for you. The stronger your outside support system is, the more support you will be able to give to your teen –and the safer he or she will feel in sharing with you.

4. Avoid giving ultimatums. It is a natural response for parents, when they see their children in danger, to do whatever is in their power to protect them. It may seem like the right thing to limit your teen’s exposure to certain friends, extracurricular activities, or other freedoms in an attempt to stop their self-harming behavior. However, this kind of response often results in teens pulling back even further from their parents and continuing to turn to self-harm as a means of feeling in control. Keep in mind that feeling in-control is a motivating factor for teens who self-harm. Rather than giving ultimatums, ask your teen what he or she believes influences the self-harming response. Then, encourage him or her to make lifestyle choices that support healthy emotional expression. By responding this way, you channel your teen’s need for control in a more positive direction.

How Christian counseling can help:

Does this list make responding to self-harm sound easy? It’s not! Implementing even one of these principles may involve drastic changes in the relationship you have with your teen. Christian counseling can offer the support you need to implement these changes in your daily lives. Additionally, your teen may benefit from the guidance of a Christian counselor. Counselors look beyond symptoms to help clients identify the meaning behind the silent language of self-mutilation. They also address the feelings that trigger the urge and suggest practical tips for replacing self-harm with healthy behaviors.

Resources
– Self-harm, Suicide, and Risk: Helping People Who Self-harm (June, 2010). College Report CR158. London: Royal College of Psychiatrists.
– The Truth about Self-harm for Young People and Their Friends and Families (2006). London: Mental Health Foundation.
– Rettner, R. (12 September, 2010). Why do Teens Hurt Themselves? The Science of Self-injury. http://www.livescience.com/11043-teens-hurt-science-injury.html