When Sex Gets Boring, Is It Over? Christian Counselor’s approach to Sexual Boredom

If you stay married long enough, your sex life will get boring. But it doesn’t have to stay that way.

Sex gets boring in marriage because couples have what Dr. David Schnarch calls “leftovers sex.” They eliminate all the sexual activities they are uncomfortable with – which leaves them a limited playbook of what they can do. Given enough time, they will have gone through their playbook often enough to get bored with it. It is just like if you ate the same meals over and over. I don’t care how much you love your favorite dish when you say you could eat it every day, odds are you do not truly mean it.

Why Sex Gets Boring?

But why do people do the same old things in bed over and over? Because these activities feel safe. Sexual hang-ups are mostly in your head. A person’s unwillingness to participate in a certain sexual act with their spouse usually does not stem from an activity being innately wrong. What is taboo for one person is not for another. Schnarch says people shy away from certain acts because of what a willingness to perform said act says about them. “When you realize novelty is mostly mental, you see that couples fighting over doing something new are really fighting about revealing something new.” (165)

Stepping out of your sexual comfort zone is painful, but enduring discomfort is necessary if you want your sexual relationship to improve. Getting away from your comfort zone means getting away from something Schnarch calls “other-validated intimacy.” This is a fancy term for letting other people’s opinions of you restrict your actions.

Schnarch says this fear worsens as partners become more important to one another. It creates a twofold problem. Partners worry that asking for certain things in bed reflects negatively on their sexuality. They worry their partner will see them as some sort of deviant. On the other hand, they resist asking for things they like (and know their partner does not like) because they do not want to upset their partner by asking.

“As your partner becomes more important to you, sexual boredom becomes more likely. It’s harder to innovate sexually, because as her opinion grows more important to you than your own, you won’t risk her rejection.” (167)

It is only natural to avoid upsetting your partner by giving in to what makes them comfortable. However, if you keep this up long enough, you will eventually resent them for it. And people pleasing is not the example Scripture sets for believers. “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” (Gal 1:10 NIV) Trying to meet your spouse halfway is admirable, but, ultimately, God’s design for marriage is for spouses to push each other outside their comfort zones so that they might grow.

How to fix boring Sex?

So what do you do? You step out of your comfort zone. This is your only answer. You must let down your guard and reveal those erotic parts of you that you’ve been keeping back from your partner for fear of rejection. Sit down with your spouse and talk about your respective sexual hang-ups. What is something you want in bed that you have been hesitant to ask for? Why do you resist doing something they would like to try? This conversation is difficult because you must be honest and vulnerable with your partner in a way you perhaps haven’t yet. But, remember, refusing to do that is why sex got boring.

Schnarch says what helps motivate people to finally do the uncomfortable is their sense of integrity. They get tired of trying to hide part of themselves from their partner, and making compromises in bed, and finally refuse to accept mediocre intimacy. “Eventually, your integrity and self-respect kick in. Feeling like you’ve sold yourself out–and your desire for interesting sex–motivates you to do it.” (175)

Now, don’t take this as permission to coerce your spouse into doing something they are not comfortable with. Rather, focus on creating an atmosphere where both of you feel safe sharing your hang-ups with one another. Be compassionate. You would want them to do the same for you. But this is not enough. Both of you must be willing to move beyond your comfortable boundaries and try new things if your sexual relationship is to improve.

After all, this is the precedent the New Testament church sets for us. Believers were often exhorted to confess their weaknesses to one another, to boost one another along during times of adversity, and to fellowship frequently. “…not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another.” (Heb. 10:25 NIV) Why should marriage be any different? Insisting on hiding parts of yourself from your spouse will only hinder your marriage as proved by the sexual boredom it inevitably creates.

Christian Counseling for Sexual Boredom

If you or your spouse feel like the fire has gone out of your relationship, consider making an appointment with a professional Christian marriage counselor. A professional Christian counselor’s office provides a safe space to talk about your personal issues regarding sex that you might not otherwise feel comfortable discussing. They will help you draw out the reasons for your sexual wariness, and help you and your spouse discover new sexual ground.

References
Intimacy & Desire by Dr. David Schnarch

Photos
Boring-sex Freedigitalphotos.net user photostock.jpg; Sexual-problems Freedigitalphotos.net user photostock