You May Have Marriage Problems Because of your Expectations

References from Tim Keller’s “The Meaning of Marriage”

Weddings sometimes seem like mystical rituals that bestow perfect happiness upon the betrothed. This is the first day of the rest of their lives. It is the best day of the rest of their lives. Then all the glamour fades and the couple is left deflated and wondering, “What went wrong?”

Nothing went wrong. Life happened. The honeymoon period is over. That’s why it’s called a honeymoon and not “regular life.” For those who cling to marriage as the fulfillment of their heart’s longing, this is a massive disappointment. However, for those who understand marriage is merely a flawed foreshadowing of the perfect union they will have with Christ in heaven, coming back down to Earth is a gentle settling in rather than a bone-shattering collision.

What are the Different Types of Marriages

Earthly marriage offers some of the sweetest union and support found this side of heaven. Which is perhaps why contemporary Western culture has become so obsessed with securing romantic companionship. They rush right past the Lord in their frantic search for another human being to fill that infinite longing for love and support.

But worldly romance can’t compete with the love our Heavenly Father has for his children. It is like the old hymn taken from I John 3, “Behold, what manner of love the father has given unto us that we should be called the sons of God.”

God gave us marriage to point toward the spiritual marriage between Christ and his bride that will one day be perfected in Heaven after our labor here on Earth. “For now, we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.” (I Cor 13:12 NIV)

How to Approach Marriage

“People cannot live their lives well…without a balanced, informed view of marriage. If they do not have that, they will either over-desire or under-desire marriage, and either of those ways of thinking will distort their lives.” (192) Keller originally said this with singles in mind. In his book, “The Meaning of Marriage,” he discusses how he preached a series of sermons on marriage to his 80 percent single congregation because he wanted them to have the proper approach to marriage. He didn’t want to them to view marriage as a source of eternal romantic bliss that would cure all the problems in their lives, but he also didn’t want them to view marriage as a happiness-killer that should be avoided like the dementors in Harry Potter.

Western culture contrarily presents romance as the epitome of contentment and marriage as the villain that ties it to a train track and laughs maniacally when it’s flattened. As with most things, the Bible takes a different view. It did not take long for God to determine that Adam should not be alone.

To fix this, he created marriage. It wasn’t that Adam couldn’t survive on his own, but rather that his life would be enhanced by the addition of a companion. “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.” (Prov. 18:22 NIV) Notice this verse calls a spouse a “good” thing, not the “best” thing. “Even the best marriage cannot by itself fill the void in our souls left by God.” (198)

 A Penultimate Marriage

Keller refers to earthly marriage as being “penultimate,” meaning, “first from last.” He describes it this way because he wants people to keep marriage in its proper place. It is one of the most significant institutions we will ever enter into, but it is not the most important. That position is reserved for the perfect union we will have with Christ in Heaven. “(Earthly marriage) points us to the Real Marriage that our souls need and the Real Family our hearts were made for. Married couples will do a bad job of conducting their marriage if they don’t see this penultimate status.” (198)

Don’t look at this as Keller getting down on marriage. He means for couples, (and people pursuing marriage), to keep it in perspective. If you approach marriage convinced it will be the source of fulfillment and happiness you have not found anywhere else, you are in for a grave disappointment. Nothing will ever satisfy you in that way except God. However, if you accept that, with all its flaws, marriage is still one of the greatest sources of joy this side of paradise, you will be better off. Learning to “devalue” marriage liberates couples. “Without a deeply fulfilling love relationship with Christ now, and hope in a perfect love relationship with him in the future, married Christians will put too much pressure on their marriage to fulfill them, and that will always create pathology in their lives.” (198)

Christian Counseling for Expectant Couples

If you think you or your significant other, expects too much from your relationship, consider getting perspective from a professional Christian counselor. Pursuing marriage as a source of life-validation is just as dangerous as many of the other misconceptions people have about marriage, and will inevitably damage your relationship.

A professional Christian counselor will help you, or your partner, understand why you approach marriage this way. They will also help you start pursuing satisfaction from an infinitely more satisfying source– the Lord.