Christian Counseling for Gridlocked Couples

Principal 6 of a Principals of Marriage Series
from The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver
Tips and Strategies adapted from exercises in Gottman and Silver’s book

All it takes is one big problem to suck your marriage down like a Brachiosaurus in a tar pit. You and your spouse find yourselves locking horns over a difference of opinion that eventually lands you in a marriage counselor’s office or divorce court; no matter how many years or decades of unity you have behind you. In his book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” Dr. John Gottman argues the goal isn’t so much to solve the problem, but rather to start a dialogue. “Gridlock is a sign that you have dreams for your life that aren’t being addressed or respected by each other.” (217)

 How Gridlock Represents Dreams

Gridlock usually doesn’t happen over little disagreements, because they are not emotionally charged enough. It is when you start denying someone the deepest desires of their heart that things get heated. For example: where to spend the Holidays. Many families have annual holiday traditions. These traditions make you feel warm, fuzzy and secure; which is why people keep them going. Start messing with that and you are just asking for a fight.

Amanda and Michael dread Christmas every year because it means yet another fight about where to celebrate it. Amanda grew up going to her grandmother’s house every year on Christmas morning to eat breakfast and open presents. Michael’s family had everyone over to their house for the few days surrounding Christmas. But, now that his parents have passed away, Michael would like to have everyone over to celebrate in his home. It is November and they have finally decided to talk to a Christian marriage counselor about it.

Here’s an example of the process Amanda and Michael followed while in the counselor’s office:

 Describe your dreams

• Each spouse gets 15 minutes to describe a dream (in this case, their ideal Christmas plans)

o Explain your feelings and why this is important to you as specifically as you can. Don’t hold back because you are worried about how your spouse will react. Gottman suggests describing your dream as you would to a good friend or neutral third party.

o Do not criticize or argue with your partner– just describe your dream.

• The listener’s job is just that– to listen. Do not interrupt or judge.

• “Don’t spend your time thinking up rebuttals or ways to solve the problem. Your role now is just to hear the dream and to encourage your spouse to explore it.” (232)

• After your spouse describes their dream, do not immediately respond by spouting off reasons why their dream is impractical or incompatible with yours.

Amanda– We went to Mimi’s house every year while I was growing up. She would make monkey bread and we’d all wait ‘til everyone was in the living room together before we started handing out presents from under the tree. She’s in her 90s now and I’m scared we won’t have too many more Christmases with her, and I’d hate to miss a single one.

Michael– I love the significance being ground zero for Christmas gives the house. It’s not so much about the, “look at us; we’re where the whole family goes,” but rather the warm, close feeling of having the whole family around you. As a child, I was always excited to wake up in the morning and run downstairs to the tree in our living room.

Now that Michael and Amanda have had an opportunity to really get at the root of the issue, it is easy to see they are worried about their individually cherished holiday traditions being jeopardized. Amanda is worried about missing the little time she has left with her grandmother, and Michael doesn’t want to lose the classic experience of Christmas at home. It is important both spouses understand where the other is coming from and feel the other respects their dream. If you give your partner the impression you are going to take away something important to them, they are going to cling even tighter to it, worsening the gridlock.

 End The Gridlock

• The important task here is to try to understand each other and create some sort of initial compromise.

• It may help to define the core areas of your dreams you will not compromise and those you will.

o Compare your lists and use that to work out your compromise.

• Gottman suggests making the compromise temporary. Test it for a few months and see how you feel afterward. (235)

As they already have plane tickets to fly to Amanda’s grandmother’s house for Christmas, they continue with that plan. However, they discuss having Michael’s whole family over for Thanksgiving next year. Amanda also suggests celebrating with her grandmother a week before, or a week after, Christmas next year, and having Michael’s family over for Christmas instead of Thanksgiving.

 How to Resolve Gridlock?

Unfortunately, there is no easy answer to this question. There is no right or wrong answer, just convincing arguments and a ton of emotional investment. The best thing couples can do is hear each other out and create an acceptable compromise. You may never stop disagreeing about the issue, but it does not have to bring your marriage to a standstill.

Another source of help for gridlocked couples is a professional Christian marriage counselor. Think of a counseling appointment as scheduling an oil change – you are having your marriage checked out by a professional. Everyone needs help sometimes. If you and your spouse have an unresolved disagreement that looms over your marriage every time you bring it up – now is probably a good time to get some help. Kind of like an exterminator for marriage pests instead of household ones. A professional Christian marriage counselor can steer you toward talking about your problem reasonably and productively, rather than becoming gridlocked. The counselor will use effective therapeutic techniques and spiritual principles to help you understand your marriage problems and work through them.

Images cc: freedigitalphotos.net – “Christmas Decoration” by Feelart and “Nativity Scene” by artur84