Emotional Deadness Is A Marriage Problem Just as Serious as Anger

References Bridging the Couple Chasm by John Gottman, PhD and Julie Schwartz Gottman, PhD
Slamming doors and screaming matches are not what land most couples in divorce court. It is separate bedrooms and talking only when you must. A study by the California Divorce Mediation Project claimed 80 percent of men and women cited “gradually growing apart and losing a sense of closeness, and not feeling loved and appreciated,” as their reason for divorcing. Only 40 percent blamed intense fighting. (47) As Gottman phrases it, most marriages are destroyed by ice, not fire.

Growing Apart Kills Relationships

These frozen relationships often do not look troubled because the spouses are not attacking one another. People so often associate doomed marriages with vicious vocal sparring, they fail to recognize the danger of quiet withdrawal. Many couples deal with relationship problems by pulling away from them rather than make a fuss. Instead of engaging with one another and confronting their problems, they strike off alone. Gottman calls this emotional withdrawal from the relationship the “Distance and Isolation Cascade.”

What it looks like (48):

• Partners do not respond emotionally to one another. “There is no joy, no affection, no humor.”
• “They do not seem like close friends.”
• There may be tension or unpleasant emotions (such as anger or sadness) but it does not get out of hand.
• They seem to feel as if they do not deserve to feel unhappy about the state of their marriage. They think it is their fault they are unhappy.
• Neither tries to make the other feel better when they are upset.

Just because your marriage problems (or your partner) are not screaming in your face, does not make them any less in need of attention. Remember what God said to church at Laodicea, “I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.” (Rev. 3:15-16 NIV) As this verse tells us that, just because you are not a certain bad thing, does not mean what you are is good.

How Do You Fix ‘Growing Apart?’

Spouses who are pulling away from their marriages need to confront what they are doing. Oftentimes they may not realize they are trying to deal with their marriage problems by moving away from them. Gottman says one way to know you are doing this is if you feel lonely in your relationship. (48)

You and your spouse need to get to know one another again. Gottman recommends three steps (42):

1)  Build Love Maps – Consider this part a second round of dating. You need to refresh one another on what makes you tick. Ask open-ended questions. Where do you stand on this issue? What is on your bucket list? How do you like to spend your free time? It is called a “map” because you are putting together a chart of your mate’s “inner psychological world.”

2)  Share Fondness and Admiration – Gottman describes this as an “antidote for contempt.” Rather than looking for a reason to put your partner down, look for something to praise. You have to be intentional about this. Whenever you find yourself using a criticism to distance yourself from your spouse, look for a positive quality that draws you back in.

3)  Turn Towards Each Other – People in relationships make what Gottman calls “bids for emotional connection.” They reach toward another in an attempt to express or meet an emotional need. They might go to the other with a problem or ask for a hug. Relationships are full of these moments. Each one is an opportunity to strengthen or erode your marriage. While putting off your partner’s request to discuss a problem may not seem like a big deal, think about the cumulative power of repeatedly brushing off your partner. Think about how much it stings whenever your partner ignores or puts you off. Learning to take advantage of these opportunities to strengthen intimacy is key to growing closer again.

Marriages lose their warmth because spouses neglect the relationship for other demands such as children and careers. Spouses continue to drift apart until they do not have the faintest idea how to close the distance. This unintentional shift of union into individualism is not what God has in mind for marriage. “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.” (Eccl 4:9-10 NIV) As Ecclesiastes shows us, God values partnership. Marriage is one of the earthly crucibles God designed to sanctify us. You and your spouse cannot exhort or edify one another if you never speak about anything other than domestic chores.

Christian Counseling for Growing Apart

If you and your spouse do not feel as close as you have in the past, consider getting in touch with a professional Christian marriage counselor. It can be difficult to address this kind of marriage problem because it may not seem serious. You are not at each other’s throats; you are just distant. Do not make the mistake of assuming that because your marriage problem is not an ugly problem it is any less serious. A Christian marriage counselor provides a professional pair of eyes to help you and your spouse identify your problems and discuss how to resolve them.

Photos
Business People With Arms Crossed by imagerymajestic; Professional-Christian-marriage-counselor Flickr user InstantVantage