Marriage is two self-obsessed people making a go at an arrangement that depends on selflessness. Apart from a dedication to radically altering their priorities and personalities, they won’t succeed. Which is why it’s imperative married couples root themselves in Christ’s example of selflessness. “Whether we are husband or wife, we are not to live for ourselves but for the other. And that is the hardest yet single most important function of being a husband or wife in marriage,” as Tim Keller says in his book The Meaning of Marriage. However, just because self-centeredness has no place in marriage doesn’t mean that vice disappears the second couples put on their rings. They have to work to mirror the selfless model Christ demonstrated.

Love Is Not Self-Seeking

Marriage is like anything else that depends on more than one person to make it work. How do group projects usually turn out when everyone concerns themselves with their own interests? Ugly. Marriage is the same. A healthy relationship necessitates that each member prioritize their spouse and the relationship. But the problem with self-centeredness is that it usually blinds people to their own selfishness while simultaneously magnifying that of their partner. (Keller 57) People start using their partner’s sin to justify their own, (“Well, they wouldn’t go with me to my high school graduation, so I’m not going with them to their great-aunt’s birthday.) and the sled starts flying down the hill, smacking against more and more trees as it descends.

This can be particularly problematic for people with deep wounds from past relationships. When their spouse hurts them, it triggers memories of past instances where someone they loved hurt them. They tell themselves they shouldn’t have to change; that it should finally be their “turn” because people they loved have betrayed them. This thinking is sometimes exacerbated by well-intentioned friends and therapists who tell them they should be more assertive lest they be trampled on again in the future. While people should not allow others to feign affection in order to take advantage of them, this advice comes from a place that wrongly assumes mistreatment creates self-absorption. As Keller reminds his readers, human beings come out of the womb self-absorbed. “Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me. (Psalm 51:5 ESV)

Mistreatment merely magnifies and mutates it.

“The mistreatment poured gasoline on the fire, and the flame and smoke now choke them, but their self-centeredness already existed prior to their woundedness. Therefore, if you do nothing but urge people to ‘look out for number one,’ you will be setting them up for failure in any relationship, especially marriage.” (Keller 62)

I’m on board with Keller and do not deny that “wounded people” need gentle handling, but allowing them a free pass on selfishness isn’t going to help their marriage or their own growth process.

Be Filled with the Spirit

“Don’t drink too much wine. That cheapens your life. Drink the Spirit of God, huge draughts of him. Sing hymns instead of drinking songs! Sing songs from your heart to Christ. Sing praises over everything, any excuse for a song to God the Father in the name of our Master, Jesus Christ.” (Eph 5:18-20 The Message)

Keller claims Paul lists the hallmarks of spirit-filled believers before transitioning to his passage of guidance for marriage as a way of pointing out that believers can only disregard their own interest in marriage if they immerse themselves in the essence of Christ. It is only by familiarizing yourself with someone that you can become like them. Toward the end of the chapter, he mentions a time when someone pointed out they can tell when he was not prepared particularly well to speak because, rather than quoting from a variety of sources, he just quotes C. S. Lewis. Keller says this is because, when he first became a believer, he read Lewis’ work voraciously. He dug himself so deep in his work that he felt he knew how his mind worked and how we would answer a question if he could ask him. Keller says this is how Christians must familiarize themselves with Christ if they want to become the selfless members their marriage requires. (74,75) “Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God.” (Col. 3:16)

Only You Can Prune Your Sins

Just as familiarizing yourself with the mind of Christ is something only you can do, you are the only person who can take the pruning shears to your own personal sins. Yes, each partner could fill up entire notebooks with the way they think their partner could change– but they can’t do a single thing to change them. “Only you have complete access to your own selfishness, and only you have complete responsibility for it… You should stop making excuses for selfishness, you should begin to root it out as it’s revealed to you, and you should do so regardless of what your spouse is doing.” (Keller 65) “For it is time for judgment to begin with God’s household; and if it begins with us, what will the outcome be for those who do not obey the gospel of God?” (1 Peter 4:16-18 NIV)

Making Your Marriage Less-Selfish

Making dramatic changes and identifying patterns of self-centeredness in your marriage can be difficult to tackle on your own; consider making an appointment with a Christian marriage counselor to get some objective input on your marriage. They can provide a safe environment for both spouses to talk about areas of self-centeredness they struggle with, and how to deal with selfishness in your spouse. Making a more selfless marriage can be difficult for both partners, and a counselor can mediate awkward discussions and help both of you identify and eliminate your own selfish patterns as well as draw out the best in both of you.

Citations from: The Meaning of Marriage: T.Keller

 

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