Growing Up in the Aftershock of Trauma

You do not have to live through the earthquake to be affected by the damage. You may not have been there when the plates shifted and everything broke apart, but you were born in the rubble and raised in a home that sat precariously on shaky ground with a cracked foundation and a damaged family surviving inside.

That’s what it’s like growing up in the aftershock of trauma. The original pain may not have been yours. Still, the effects show up in all kinds of sometimes unpredictable ways, from the way people talk (or don’t) to and within your family, the way love is given (or withheld), and the silence that settles over the room whenever certain topics come up. The initial shake may have stopped, but the damage is done, and those aftershocks can be a doozy.

The Earthquake

Just like an actual earthquake, family trauma, or even one family member’s trauma, can shake up every aspect of family life, leaving broken people in its wake. If your family has dealt with betrayal, loss, addiction, abuse, divorce, or any other major life-altering event before you were born, you might not realize what normal used to be for your family.

Family dynamics change organically as people grow, move out, marry, divorce, and pass away. Change is natural and unavoidable. But sometimes it isn’t just these natural forces that change the trajectory of life. Sometimes trauma is the cause of the big shift in how your family operates and interacts.

While the tremors of these “aftershocks” may not be as dramatic as the trauma itself, they still have power and influence on you and your family dynamics. They show up in different ways, in different families. They may manifest as gossip and animosity among family members, emotionally unavailable relatives, and sometimes even in more sinister ways.

Even years later, the effects of trauma can dictate how you interact with certain sides of the family and even how you live your life, and what is even more damning and damaging is that you may not even know it’s happening. When you grow up in the aftermath of turmoil, it’s easy to accept dysfunction as standard because it’s all you’ve ever known.

Wait. This isn’t normal?

If you grew up in a house with unhealed past trauma, you might find yourself feeling tense when someone raises their voice, even if they’re not mad. You might feel responsible for keeping the peace in your social circles. You can probably read moods expertly and sense things before they’re said. You may feel like you’re constantly walking along the fault line or stepping on broken shrapnel.

And while you may be experiencing these trauma reactions, you might not even realize that you’re dealing with trauma at all. That’s because you think this way of living with anxiety or in fight-or-flight mode is normal.

It’s not until you visit someone else’s house or spend time with another family that something clicks and you realize that not everyone grew up waiting for the next big family shake-up. Not everyone dreaded family gatherings or group chats.

That realization can stir up a sense of grief for the childhood you didn’t have and the emotional bonding that never took place. You can let yourself feel that sense of loss freely and without the confines of guilt because acknowledging that pain is not the same as dishonoring your family. It’s simply the first step toward healing.

While comparison can be the thief of joy, it can also bring clarity, and once you know that there is a need for healing, the path to rebuilding and reconciliation can begin.

Healing and Rebuilding

In an actual earthquake, you will find damage, even months later, when doors no longer fit the way they used to. You might even find cracks in the foundation, putting your whole house at risk of collapse. Hidden structural issues can go unnoticed at first, but then they start to quietly impact everything around them.

Just like repairing and rebuilding after an actual earthquake is possible, so is healing and thriving after family trauma. It might take time and a little help, but you can repair the damage from your past family trauma or even rebuild your life in a more stable, beautiful way.

Jesus even offers this promise in Matthew 7:24-25 (NIV):

“Therefore, everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.”

You may not have inherited a solid, firm, unshakable foundation, but that doesn’t mean you can’t lay one now.

Grab Your Hammer

The Bible speaks directly to the idea that individuals are not doomed to repeat the sins or brokenness of past generations. Ezekiel 18:20 says, “The one who sins is the one who will die. The child will not share the guilt of the parent, nor will the parent share the guilt of the child. The righteousness of the righteous will be credited to them, and the wickedness of the wicked will be charged against them” (NIV).

You are not bound by your family’s past, even though it formed you into what you are today. You are responsible for the choices you make now, and you have the freedom to build something new, beautiful, and on a firm foundation.

Start rebuilding by inviting Christ into every part of your story. If you make Him the center of your decisions, values, and your identity, regardless of your past, you will begin to see a beautiful new life forming because building something that will last and withstand future trauma requires that you put Christ as your foundation.

And while you are building your new, beautiful life, consider meeting with a trained, Christian therapist. A therapist can help you decipher past trauma without a coat of sugar, bias, or the emotional influence of others. Then they can help you to contextualize it in your own life.

You may be repeating unhealthy patterns that you saw modeled in your childhood. Maybe you’re reacting out of fear and not truth when conflict arises, or perhaps you’re pulling away when relationships get too close. A therapist can help you identify your reactions and patterns, as well as trace them back to where they started, and help you to start making healthier choices.

Once you’ve identified the trauma or traumas and all the drama that surrounds it, you can not only learn more about how it affects you today, but you can also mitigate its current and future effects.

Groundbreaking Ceremony

Like any earthquake that changes landscapes, trauma reshapes your life in ways that you will not always see. But just as the earth settles after the shaking ceases, so can you. You can settle into a life that is worth getting up for in the morning.

Those aftershocks may still ripple through your life, but if you have built your new foundation on the Solid Rock, you will be able to withstand whatever new trauma may come your way.

You can’t be held responsible for the pain and conflict that erupted before you exited, but you are responsible for your reaction to the aftershocks of it. You have the tools to build something strong that can weather earthquakes and the storms of life without falling apart.

With support from a trained Christian therapist, you can face the trauma of the past with clarity and work toward centering your new life on God. Consider this your groundbreaking moment and the official start of building a new, strong life that will withstand any trauma. Contact our office and speak to a representative today.