One member of a relationship will always want something more than the other. It’s just a reality of the human condition that we have individual preferences. But, for many couples, the effect of this reality on their sexual intimacy leads to heart-wrenching distress and explosive fights. However, as Dr. David Schnarch explains in his book Intimacy & Desire, it doesn’t have to be like that.

High vs. Low Desire

Just as there is one partner who is more motivated when it comes to doing dishes or yard work, one partner initiates sexual intimacy more often that the other. Schnarch describes this as being a “high desire partner” or a “low desire partner.” However, this does not necessarily mean that the LDP has a lagging libido or that the HDP is a sex-crazed maniac, it just means that, as with anything, one is more enthusiastic about something (in this case, sex) than the other. As Schnarch emphasizes, these terms are only relevant as comparisons within the couple. The LDP in one relationship may be the HDP in another and vice versa.

However, because most people are under the impression that they should be having a certain amount of sex a certain way with certain results, they get upset about the reality of their intimacy and assume there must be something wrong with them. Schnarch says this dissatisfaction occurs because people view sex as a “natural” bodily function. Because of this, they build up certain fantasies about intercourse and intimacy and later look for places to lay blame when it doesn’t meet their expectations. “There is no ‘correct’ frequency of sexual encounters.” If you and your spouse are happy with your sexual frequency It’s best not to compare yourself with arbitrary statistics of what “should” be happening in your marriage.

Sexual Intimacy Anxiety

While this perception of sex is detrimental to both husband and wife, it can be particularly wearing on the LDP. All this expectation for them to want sex more than they do often makes them feel defective, which isn’t helped when the high desire partner often reinforces that feeling because of their misperceptions about sex. This idea that sex is just a bodily function also decreases desire because it makes sex impersonal; it’s just something people do to “relieve their physical needs.” (5)

However, the bewildering predicament of being fighting about sex with their partner is also damaging to the HDP. Frequently being rebuffed by their spouse makes them feel unattractive and they begin looking for flaws to explain why their loved one rejects them.

Dealing with Different Desires in Relationships

Travis and Katy have been married for five years and finally decided to seek counseling after six months of no sex.

“It’s not that I don’t find Katy attractive,” Travis said. “It just that she makes me feel like a machine. It never lasts for much more than 30 minutes, and after she moves on to something else.”
“Well, maybe if you seemed more interested, it would last longer,” Katy responded. “Plenty of guys have shown interest in me; I don’t understand what your problem is.”

Travis is, obviously, the low desire partner, which means he controls the frequency of their sexual interactions. Because it’s the HDP who does most of, if not all of the sexual initiation, it’s the LDP’s consent that determines whether the couple has sex. As Schnarch explains, the LDP does not necessarily desire to or gain anything from controlling their sexual relationship. The HDP may sometimes think the LDP withholds intimacy because they enjoy the power trip, but the LDP’s experience is often the opposite. They feel abnormal because they’re been told their entire life they should want sex, and lots of it.

“If you’re the high desire partner, it’s bewildering to think that the low desire partner always controls sex. You feel controlled, so it’s hard to get beyond the picture that your partner is controlling you–and wants to. It’s easy to attribute this to personality traits and motivations you think your mate possess. But it’s no picnic for the low desire partner. You wonder how you can end up with so much control and responsibility, when you don’t want it. You feel terribly burdened, and you want to be rid of it. How can you be so powerful and destructive and so defective or inadequate at the same time?” (Schnarch 14,15)

Don’t “Just Do It”

For most people, the solution to this problem seems to be for the LDP to just agree to have sex with their partner. After all, it’ll make their partner happy, and they may even enjoy it. Schnarch disagrees. He says all this does is ignore the desires of the LDP and subject the HDP to the kind of sex nobody wants– “I’m just doing this so you’ll quit badgering me,” sex. And it doesn’t make the LDP any less in control, because the HDP still has to do everything on the LDP’s terms out of the fear if they push too hard, they won’t get any sex at all.

Consider the situation with Katy and Travis. Even when Travis agrees to Katy’s coercion, neither of them enjoys it. Travis is just going through the motions to get Katy off his back, and she leaves unsatisfied.

Sexual Problems are Normal

Some of the best news Schnarch has to offer couples is that sexual problems are normal. They are symptoms of problems in your relationship, thus they can guide you to where you need to reexamine the processes of your relationship.

“Since sexual desire problems are inevitable, you ought to use them productively. Desire problems can be useful to people and relationships. They push us to become more solid within ourselves. Sexual desire problems aren’t a problem in your marriage. Sexual desire problems are part of the normal, healthy processes of marriage.” (18)

As Schnarch helps couples to realize, the problem does not lie with monogamy or the institution of marriage, but rather with how human beings practice these things. Computer wizards refer to this as a PEBCAK– problem exists between computer and keyboard (take a minute to think about what sits between the computer and its keyboard). When you call an IT person and exhaust every technical possibility with your machine, then the only cause of dysfunction left is your method of operation.

This tendency to bungle marital relationships is the side effect of living in a fallen world.

◦       “For the creation was subjected to futility…its bondage to corruption…” (Romans 8:20,21 ESV)
◦       “…the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire.” (2 Peter 1:4)

This is why couples must be continually seeking the Lord’s help to achieve some semblance of what God intended for marriage– for it to mirror the redeeming relationship between Christ and a believer. Which can also often be faulty, considering Christians tend to flub those up as well. But the ideal is a relationship characterized by unity, love, sanctification and selflessness. However, as God told Adam and Eve, because of sin, rewards require work. “For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life.” (Galatians 6:8 ESV)

You are two different people with a spectrum of preferences, accepting that and learning to be flexible is part of maturing your marriage.

“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. (Colossians 3:12-14 ESV)”

Can This be Fixed?

Not really. But don’t go ordering those separate bedrooms just yet. Yes, Schnarch does claim that the high-low desire dichotomy never goes away. This is the rule with all relationships, and really the rule for anything involving personal preference. Just because you are super stoked on having Italian for dinner tonight while your spouse is just lukewarm, doesn’t mean next week they won’t be begging for chicken parmigiana even though you want barbecue. Just as your preferences for food change, so your status as a low or high desire partner can change. However, just because you change places, doesn’t mean the LDP ever relinquishes their control over sex. As Schnarch says, this never goes away; couples just handle it better as their marriage improves. Your position as a LDP or a HDP is not a character trait, so there’s no need to feel defensive about your level of sexual desire. Just because one of you wants more or less sex than the other does not make one of you a “freak.”

Improving your marriage through counseling

Seeking Christian marriage counseling is one option for overcoming your sexual intimacy struggles. A Christian therapist will sit down with you and provide an objective perspective about what’s going on in your relationship and think through your struggles at a spiritual, physical and emotional level. They can offer advice about what may be causing sexual problems in your relationship and how you might begin to work through them. Their office also offers mediation for matters you and your spouse fight about. If you are experiencing problem with sexual intimacy, consider seeking a professional Christian counselor who can teach you skills for managing the natural differences of sexual desires and any other related problems in your relationship.

*The principle of High & Low Desire by Dr. David Schnarch

Images cc: freedigitalphotos.com – “Silhouette Of A Couple” by kongsky
“Candle Flame” by Simon Howden
“Swan Mirror Image” by Dr Joseph Valks
“Happy Young Couple Hugging And Kissing Each Other” by photostock