Keeping Sin from Destroying Your Marriage

A Christian Counseling Approach

Wonderings

Being a Family Therapist provides me the opportunity to see the development of certain themes which run like intricately woven patterns though the seeming garment of life. Considering these themes undoubtedly leads me to ask questions aimed at doing what my job requires, finding the most effective means of treating the symptoms each client presents with. In my field, diagnoses are given which best characterize these symptoms.

One thing I have found in working with married couples is that a clinical diagnosis often falls short of describing the pressing issues between them. I frequently wonder if maybe, just maybe, there is something more than a set of symptoms wreaking havoc on marriages today. There are various terms which could describe what couples often dealing with. However, I would like to use a term that is not popular within my field, and it is surely not popular within our American culture. The term I’m referring to is “sin.” Though this word may be offensive to some, it characterizes what many simply would rather not admit, namely that marriages are rapidly breaking down because couples have allowed sin to take root in their relationship.

One of the most powerful quotes I’ve recently read is by Dr. Orval Hobart Mowrer, an American-born psychologist and former president of the American Psychological Association.1 He made the following statement:

“For several decades we psychologists looked upon the whole matter of sin and moral accountability as a great incubus and acclaimed our liberation from it as epoch making. But at length we have discovered that to be free in this sense, that is, to have the excuse of being sick rather than sinful, is to court the danger of also becoming lost… In becoming amoral, ethically neutral and free, we have cut the very roots of our being, lost our deepest sense of selfhood and identity, and with neurotics, themselves, we find ourselves asking: Who am I, what is my deepest destiny, what does living mean?” 2

Dr. Mowrer’s words articulate the damage done to a culture when sin is cast aside and we distance ourselves from God. It is the same in marriage. When a couple loses their connection with God, the direction, destiny, purpose, and meaning for their marriage is lost. Things quickly become chaotic, and as we see in our society, marriage becomes nothing more than legal structure. This loss of connection further allows sin to do what it does best, destroy.

Learning from The Beginning

Adam and Eve are clear examples of the destructiveness of sin in marriage. Genesis 3 shows that when they sinned by violating God’s instruction, disharmony immediately developed between them (vs. 12-13), how they viewed each other changed (vs. 7), and they ended up trying to hide from God (vs. 8-9). This is exactly what sin does to a marriage. It breaks the bonds of unity, blinds us to the true nature of our spouse, and seeks to place a barrier between us and God.

It is interesting to note there were additional consequences that followed from Adam and Eve’s sin (vs. 16-19). Similarly, when couples allow sin into their lives, consequences follow and may be lasting if left unresolved. These consequences may take the form of bitterness, anger, manipulation, emotional distancing, shouting matches, abuse, infidelity, and divorce among many others. It is imperative to remember these are symptoms revealing something in the marriage is broken, and that healing is necessary. Most couples understand this, yet they struggle to answer the question, “How do we fix our marriage?”

As a therapist, I can tell you a primary answer lies in something greater than learning new ways to communicate and resolve conflict. I’ve seen couples learn how to do both very well, only to find themselves back in my office with the same unresolved issues. My experience has shown they are dealing with more than a communication issue; they are dealing with a heart issue.

Addressing the Heart

I want to be careful to make sure the emphasis of this article is not sin itself, but the act of setting one’s heart right before God. We, in our consciences, often know when we have dishonored our spouse and God in the process. Furthermore, reading the Old and New Testament but for only a few moments quickly presents us with what God considers acceptable and unacceptable. It additionally points out how to address what is in our hearts.

Matthew 7:1-5 (NIV) – “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

Luke 6:45 (ASV) – “A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth that which is evil: for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.”

Ephesians 4:31 (NIV) – “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

Some might say these verses have nothing to do with marriage. However, consider the times you may have judged your spouse, blamed them, not taken accountability for your actions, yelled at them, slandered them, been selfish, and acted with the intent to harm them all without stopping to judge your own heart. These verses solidify the necessity of making sure our hearts our right before God, for when we take this action, the way we treat our spouse will undoubtedly change for the better. If our actions have not changed after doing so, I would say we haven’t taken our time with God or His Word seriously. We’re playing spiritual games and need to stop.

Setting things Right before God

The moment of change in a relationship comes when both members take the time to remove themselves from the redundant and destructive patterns in their relationship and humble themselves before God. The Bible is full of situations where individuals had violated His will and came before him with a heart of repentance. We are no better than they are, and can at the very least do the same. Yes, this requires humility, brokenness, and the willingness to admit what most would rather not…that they have wronged their spouse and God.

Just think of the implications of allowing God to speak into our lives, correct us, and provide us with wisdom on how to restore our marriages. If this was the ongoing tendency for couples when things get rough with their spouse, I’ve little doubt that their relational dynamics would change for the better. Unfortunately, our tendency is to quickly react towards our spouse when they do something we don’t like, to pridefully assume our negative actions are justified because of what they did in the past, or to turn our attentions elsewhere instead of confronting the concerns your spouse has been mentioning over and over.

How much better would it be to quickly ask God for guidance, determine to walk in love, and do what is right no matter how we feel? This requires us to actually make our obedience to God primary above our emotions, which in turn requires maturity and self-discipline. It additionally requires having an “other-centered” mentality, which is exemplified in the life of Christ. Instead of condemning us for our failures and mistakes, He “chose” to love us and die for us; to literally make the ultimate sacrifice so we could have fellowship with him and the Father (1 John 1:7). Let this be our example as spouses. Let us make the sacrifice to be obedient to the Father, to love our spouse in word and deed, and to enjoy a deep friendship that embodies what marriage was meant to be.

Ultimately, when spouses seek the face of God, set their hearts right before him, and willingly seek to approach their spouse with wisdom, grace, and love, they help create a relational atmosphere where the peace and unity they’ve been longing for can become a splendid reality.

Clinical Relevance

I realize I’ve dealt with a singular aspect of a marriage, and that the complexity of relationships often requires couples to seek the help of a counselor. As a Christian-based therapist, I also realize you may be reading this article because you marriage is experiencing certain difficulties. I would like to encourage you to not wait in meeting with a trained professional who can help you build your marriage by addressing both the clinical and Biblical elements which help marriages remain healthy and strong.

1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orval_Hobart_Mowrer

2. http://www.greatthoughtstreasury.com/?q=node/194673

Images cc: freedigitalphotos.net – Couple in Disagreement by Ambro and Classical Sunrise by Evgeni Dinev