Infidelity: How It Feels to Be Cheated On

If you’ve experienced infidelity in your marriage, you’re not alone. According to Wendy Wang, Director of Research at the Institute of Family Studies, 20% of men and 13% of women in the United States have cheated on their spouse. That’s a fairly high number.

When you account for the fact that this study only focused on married couples, not those in long-term relationships, the number is likely higher. Add to that people who’ve had non-sexual affairs, such as those who have engaged in online or emotional affairs, and the number grows.

To say that you’re not alone if you’ve been cheated on is not an understatement. And while these numbers are staggering and indicate a larger, broader spiritual and moral problem in our modern world, knowing that you’re not experiencing this on your own can be comforting. What do they say about misery loving company?

Of course, being part of a statistic is not particularly comforting, especially when that statistic represents a broken relationship. But knowing that others before you have gone through this very thing and have made it out in one, thriving piece should bring some comfort.

If you’re reading this and have experienced infidelity, you might be feeling a whole host of uncomfortable emotions and be grappling with how to communicate them to others. Or maybe you’re the one who strayed, and you can’t quite figure out why your spouse is reacting the way they are. Many people know the technical reasons affairs hurt.

The broken promises and the betrayals are there, but beyond those cognitive reasons lies a broken, beating heart. Those emotions, the feelings and fallout of an affair, are not quite as easy to understand or communicate as the concrete broken rules. Keep reading to discover how being cheated on really feels.

Your comfort is gone.

If you’ve been in a relationship for any length of time, it’s logical to think that your partner is the person you go to for comfort. They represent unconditional love and are reaching for mutual goals with you, so it’s entirely natural to gravitate to this person when you need comfort or are dealing with any failure or disappointment.

When that person, your person, betrays you, that feeling of unconditional acceptance and love goes away. And because you no longer feel universally accepted by them, it’s infinitely more difficult to be vulnerable with them. So, instead of being transparent and raw with your partner, suddenly you have to be guarded.

You have to wonder if the news you’re about to share or the emotional breakdown that you’re on the verge of will be just one more thing that drives them away from you and into the arms of another. And to make matters worse, in the case of an affair, the person you usually go to for comfort is the very person who is causing you pain. That’s a difficult dynamic for your brain to understand and your heart to accept.

You don’t know who you are.

Couples tend to think of themselves as a unit. The “I” becomes “we” after you say, “I do,” and in many cases, long before that. Invitations are extended to you as a couple, and even your bank knows you as a unit. When one half of this singularity breaks the unity, you are left to identify as an individual again.

This is not to say that you’re automatically divorcing your spouse because of an affair, but this parting of the “we” in lieu of the “I” happens on an emotional level, long before divorce papers are ever served.

The point of marriage is to blend lives. Even the Bible tells us to become “one” with our spouse (Mark 10:6-9) and to abandon our singleness and, in some ways, the life we had prior to marriage. So, when something happens that loosens the glue that binds you together, you’re left with an identity crisis. “Who am I without them?” you might ask.

Blended lives are a beautiful thing, but when they fracture apart, the two individuals may find it more difficult to stand on their own than they did prior to the marriage.

You feel awkward.

Walking back into public life after an affair is a disorienting and awkward experience. You’re used to entering places in tandem and making decisions with the input of a partner. But now, you’re left to walk out into the world as a single. It shouldn’t be scary, right? You’ve done this before you were ever married. It shouldn’t be hard to be single again.

But you’re not the same young, somewhat naïve person you once were. You may not have the same youthful good looks or innocent charm to rely on that you once had, but you’re still you, whatever that means. You walk out into the world again, only this time, your confidence has been shaken, and you can’t seem to loosen this skepticism you feel that you will ever find anyone who thinks you’re worthy of love again.

You think that every eye is on you, whether they are judging, wondering, or even sympathizing. If you’ve been the victim of infidelity, you wonder if everyone knows, as if you’re wearing a scarlet letter on your sleeve.

You wonder if anyone finds you attractive or whether they ever will. After all, you’re older now, and those cute little glances and shy smiles you used to flash at prospective suitors don’t have the same effect. You wish that trick still worked on your spouse. You love them still, but you’re wondering if they love you.

Awkwardness and the self-awareness of your awkwardness can be overwhelming, not just to your mind, but also to your body. Your cheeks redden, and your heart begins to race, and you haven’t even gotten out of the car yet.

When you don’t know who you are and don’t particularly like what you think you are, it’s much more difficult to walk your daily life. Unfortunately, feeling awkward often leads to less than confident behavior, which might produce less than positive or enthusiastic responses from others. This then becomes a cycle where your fear of being awkward actually makes you, well, awkward.

Breaking Free

All these feelings that bloom out of infidelity can be overwhelming. They might feel as if they are permanent, that the damage is irreversible, and that you will never feel like yourself again. The good news is that infidelity, like every other human condition, is not too big or ominous for your Heavenly Father.

Through the power of the Holy Spirit, you can find that peace again. You can learn to trust and to feel confident, not because of the love and attention of a partner, but because you are a child of God. You can live a life that is full of joy and fulfillment, whether that means that you’re married or not. And perhaps most importantly, you can learn to forgive.

By laying out your heart to the Lord, reading Scripture, and seeking His face, you can find a path out of the insecurities and scars of infidelity into a new, more confident place. Maybe that means reconciling with your spouse. Maybe it means moving on in a different direction. God knows what’s best for you, and He wants to lead you to it.

Part of that healing process might include the guidance of a Christian therapist. A therapist can help you reconcile your feelings of betrayal and frame them in a way that you understand. They can help you learn to express yourself by giving you vocabulary and prompts that help you articulate your feelings, process them, and eventually move on from them.

A New Life

Infidelity doesn’t have to mean the end of your marriage, and certainly not the end of your life. You can recover from the battle scars of betrayal. You can forgive. You can reconcile. But you can also move on to a new life filled with possibilities and purpose.

It might be difficult to express or even understand the deep emotions you’re feeling right now, but with time, God’s guidance, and perhaps time with a professional counselor, you can start moving out of the fog and back into the light of God. Soon you will be walking confidently into the world, whether that’s alone or in a healed relationship.

Contact our office today to learn more and to schedule your first appointment with me or one of the other Christian counselors in our online directory.