Making the Most of Married Life

Spending most of your life with someone shapes how you understand them and yourself. As you witness how they navigate myriad situations, you come to see more clearly the sort of person that they are. In the same way, they get to see you for who you are; all illusions and pretenses are set aside. That is an incredibly vulnerable situation to find yourself in, but that is how a relationship built on trust and mutual respect works.

Married life is not for the faint-hearted. Sharing the highs and lows of life with someone takes you to places where you’ll witness some of the best and some of the worst of humanity. Some of the stories of the Bible detail the intricacies and messiness of doing life with another, sinful, human being. It can be the most delightful experience of your life, but it also be a painful disaster.

The joys and pains of married life

The lifeblood of any healthy relationship is good communication. However, that is one of the main challenges for many couples, as they may struggle to communicate difficult emotions and experiences to one another in ways that enhance the intimacy in the relationship. Communication may be hampered by anger, personality differences, misunderstanding the intent behind words, or using an ineffective communication style.

One example of communication gone awry that’s given in Scripture is encapsulated in the infamous words from the book of Proverbs:

Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife. – Proverbs 21:9, NIV

Being quarrelsome is when you argue or complain about things to the point that it frustrates the other person. You may or may not be right about your complaint, but the way one goes about it can be a turn-off.

It’s important to remember that this verse is directed at royal sons in the book of Proverbs, so the gendered reference to a quarrelsome wife is apt. Men and women alike can be quarrelsome, and the result is that it makes a living situation quite unbearable. The home is supposed to be a welcome space for a husband and a wife, but they can, through their actions and words, make it an inhospitable place.

The Bible does detail examples of foolish husbands, such as Nabal, a man who is described as “surly and mean in his dealings” (1 Samuel 25:3, NIV), and later it’s said by his wife Abigail, “Please pay no attention, my lord, to that wicked man Nabal. He is just like his name – his name means Fool, and folly goes with him” (1 Samuel 25:25, NIV). Being married to a fool or a quarrelsome person can make a marriage a difficult enterprise.

However, the Bible tells a fully orbed story of what marriage is like, saying things such as, “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord” (Proverbs 18:22, NIV) in the same book of Proverbs. Or the extended love poetry of Song of Songs, which reads in part:

He

Like a lily among thorns is my darling among the young women.

She

Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my beloved among the young men. I delight to sit in his shade, and his fruit is sweet to my taste – Song of Songs 2:2-3, NIV

Love and marriage carry these notes of deep joy and celebration, but they can also be marked by arguments and disconnection. The story of any given marriage will have its joys and pains, its pressure points where the couple miss one another and struggle to come together. However, it’s possible to change the trajectory and the story of a marriage.

Building a happy marriage

God is seeking to do a profound work in every marriage. Marriage, after all, points toward the relationship that God has with His people (Ephesians 5: 32). In A Grief Observed, C.S. Lewis wrote that there is an arrogance that exists in both men and women that assumes and names virtue in themselves. For instance, it is arrogant for men to call fairness, frankness, and chivalry “masculine” when they are found in women.

On the other hand, it is also arrogant for women, Lewis continues, to describe “a man’s sensitiveness or tact or tenderness as ‘feminine’”. Lewis then goes on to say that one of the things that marriage does is heal that arrogance, concluding that, “Jointly, the two become fully human. ‘In the image of God created He them.’” Building a happy marriage requires a posture of humility and understanding that God has placed you in this relationship for a reason.

There are several ways for a couple to build or rebuild their marriage into a stronger and happier union. Some of the work required is about changing patterns of thought and behavior that undermine the health of a marriage. How you choose to behave in a relationship can affect what comes out of it, whether you see and experience it as a blessing, or as a burden.

Building and strengthening your marriage to make the most of married life may include taking the following on board:

Here to serve

Earlier, the idea was floated that marriage points to something bigger than just the couple. In his letter to the Christians in the city of Ephesus, the apostle Paul wrote to them extensively about marriage, telling them how to relate to one another with mutual respect and love.

While giving instructions for how husbands are to love their wives selflessly, Paul then quotes Genesis 2:24 and the origin of marriage, going on to say that marriage is a mystery about Jesus Christ and His people, the church (Ephesians 5:25-32). Jesus’ life was about serving others, and not being served (Mark 10:45), and He set a pattern of humble service for us to follow (Philippians 2:3-11).

In a marriage, one of the issues that can arise is a competitive mindset of ‘getting yours’. Instead, this must be replaced with a healthy mindset of serving the other. Boundaries should be observed, but the mindset is one of serving one another, and not taking advantage of each other.

Growing in communication skills

Communication is important, and a couple is well served by knowing what their communication style is so that they can attune it well to each other. One may be more assertive, while the other is passive or aggressive. Understanding these differences and how to communicate with others who have a different style can help a couple become more effective communicators.

Dealing with anger

Anger can stifle a healthy environment of vulnerability and intimacy. Anger ought to be expressed in healthy ways, and not repressed, suppressed, or expressed in outbursts. Dealing with anger effectively can help curb ugly conflicts and create an environment of healthy intimacy.

Avoiding comparisons

It can be tempting to compare your marriage to others, but that’s a dangerous game. The dynamics of each marriage are unique, and you may envy several aspects of another person’s marriage because of the pressure points in your own. However, each situation comes with its own challenges, and it’s wiser to deal with your own instead of longing for a different situation. 

Repenting from unhealthy behaviors

Some unhealthy behaviors can undermine a marriage, and this includes codependent behaviors, gaslighting, emotional abuse, pornography addiction, infidelity, or substance abuse, to name a few. These can undermine the emotional, mental, or physical health of one or both partners in a marriage and turn them toward healthier behaviors.

Seeking help

Many of the issues that confront a couple are difficult for the couple to address by themselves. Often, it takes the perspective and wisdom of an independent third party to see what’s happening in the marriage and chart a way forward. With the help of a couples or marriage counselor, a married couple can address the issues affecting their marriage.

Your counselor can help you come to terms with the patterns in your marriage that may be undermining it, and they can come up with a treatment plan to address those concerns. If your marriage isn’t what you want it to be, reach out and speak to a counselor to start working on it.